On Glaswegian Radio today, I found it to be an ecclectic mix. The walk home was of a white scottish girl in worn out multi colored leggings and neon blue trainers (sneakers), with a small speaker and microphone, freestyle rapping....oh so badly. It sort of went like this- "eh, i'm freestyle, in style, i like peas and carrots, ...erm...gjdsoijdglkbvm...erm...i lost my words, i forgot the words. go 'head an laugh at me. erm...i'm rapping...yeah." BRILLIANT! Then back at the flat the "channel" switched to bagpipes. A student was rehearsing somewhere downstairs for...well he's still going actually. I think it's been for about two hours now. At least he's not bad at it.
This morning. 9am class and it's for the purpose of our research papers. Or at least I thought it was. Two hours later, I'm was still not sure what I was supposed to get out of it. Frankly, all I really learned was the very nice professor's resume. Luckily, when I went to "real" college back in my Business school days, we wrote many a research paper that averaged 25pages each. So 3,000 words should be alright. I'm mulling over doing it on gender reversal for the play Othello. But we'll see. Stay tuned.
Speaking of gender questions. One of the exercises we did (and I have no idea how it relates to research) was to perform a scene from a well known play that takes place in an interior (kitchen, dining room, den, etc). Then eventually we move the scene "outdoors" and see what in our environment changes. We (my partners AK, NB, and Jr) decided to improve a scene from Tennessee Williams' A Streetcar Named Desire. Not knowing we were going to have to share with the class, NB and I decided to flip roles. I would be Stanley (for those not familiar, that would be Marlon Brando in the film), and NB (a guy) would be Blanche (Vivian Leigh). Yeah. Although, what should have been a train wreck turned out to be a fun and purposeful scene. We completed the objective, went with the flow (shocking I know. I don't know how I did it either since it's against my grain.) , and may I just say that NB was a phenomenal Blanche. Two enthusiastic thumbs up to Mr. Dubois.
The weather here has finally turned. Indian summer has chilled into a crisp fall. Gusts of wind hustle through alley ways and the smell in the air sends thoughts of jack-o-lanterns and apple cider. I wonder if I can get those things here...
The only other class we had today was a four hour Voice class. Not singing. Voice. As in how to properly use it. It involved some Tai-Chi, making siren sounds in your throat, whimpering like a puppy, and most importantly...breathing. Now you may think that's easy but I will tell you that I'm a HORRIBLE breather. In that, I sometimes forget to do it. If I'm tense, or concentrating too hard on something, I'll hold my breathe. Breathing is connected to everything you do, feel, experience. When you see a car accident, what do you do? You probably gasp, but then, you hold your breath. In times of stress, we kick into survival mode. Your body says "Gah! Something's wrong! Hold on to your oxygen, kids, 'cause I don't know when you'll get more!"
It's also very connected to stage fright. I especially have a deep anxiety problem when it comes to performance. My hands go cold, my heart beats a mile a minute, and I get sick to my stomach even. Especially when I have to sing. Oh, I can't tell you what horrors go on inside my mind before a song. But I've learned that once I slow down my breathing, and warm my hands to circulate the blood, it becomes bearable. This, however, does not always work. And that's when the panic attacks happen. I've only had one full fledged one before. It was in my third year at AMDA. It's probably one of the scariest things that I've ever experienced. Hyperventilating, unable to speak or control your breath, your whole body shaking, and tears that just keep streaming from your eyes. And you never see it coming. The smallest thing could set it off.
What's scared me this summer is I started to feel that familiar pressure on my chest. That shallowness of breath. That ball of pure emotion bubbling to the surface. And I've been able to keep it contained for the most part though it has given me a couple of sleepless nights. But this new lesson today, just the couple of hours, showed me I have SO far to go. The amount of breath I waste or hold, is connected to the emotions that block me (anyone) from being in real (I wont say control, but) harmony. It blocks you from using whatever facilities you have to make a character alive and real. I think that's part of that abominable phrase that I hate- "To Let Go."
We ended our session by describing our voices and how we feel about them. I noticed a trend. Almost everyone began with "well, my friends tell me" or "I've been told." I've noticed this a lot in people in general, but particularly artists. We are so afraid to speak for ourselves about ourselves. Do we fear that we'll be looked on as cocky, just because we like something of ourselves? Why do we apologize for who we are. Because that's what that is. There is no one in the world that knows you better than YOU. So why would you tell everyone what someone else thinks of you and your talents? I do it, too. Constantly. But everytime I start to apologize for who I am or what I do, everytime I feel the need to ignore a compliment and follow it with putting myself down (i.e. things like "you have great hair." "oh no, it's so stringy." etc) I try to remember that if I voice my worth, it's an affirmation not only to others, but to myself.
Once we are back to the world of auditions and unfair show business, no one will be going out of their way to bolster your confidence. It's something you have to do for yourself. And we had better start now. Myself included.
I'll end this particular note with a huge thank you to D. I received a lovely and thoughtful (late, due to the malfunction of our school mailsystem) birthday gift, that had me smiling like a fool all the way home. So thank you.
Well, today's note was a bit heavy but I can pretty much guarantee that tomorrow will be a bit more fascinating. Tomorrow, we learn vocal technique and the art of....the butt jiggle. oh god.
xoxo
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