Today was a good day. No, today was a magical day. It was just one of those days when things go right.
I'll admit that I was hesitant at the start. I had a very bad night's sleep. My back was hurting so badly that I couldn't get comfortable. Didn't fall asleep till about two thirty, then was awoken by another fire alarm at 745am. This would be the 4th in four days. I may be deported for homocide soon.
Then was at school by 9am for another rigorous workout session that bordered on martial arts. My already weeping muscles screamed at me as we punched at the air and squatted until our thighs shook and gave out. If my body weren't tightening up, I'd be pissed. But since it is, I'll only mildly hate the warmup leader. Don't you just hate it when things are good for you?
Anyway, following that we had the most productive and magical rehearsal. The voice teacher (and my nemesis) Lorna came back in for the morning session. We ran our rehearsal and she made tweaks. And damnit. They were freakin' brilliant. The slightest note she gave us changed and cleared up any muddiness we might have had in our scenes. There was a point when the group of us were huddled in a heap and laughing and giggling (which was called for in the scene) but it wasnt acting...it was being. It stopped feeling presentational and became natural. It was one of those AHA! moments where you sit back and go "this is when the individual became the WE." This is when you actually listened and responded and things became real. This is what energizes and feeds our creativity. And this is WHY WE DO IT.
But the best was yet to come. The final scene involved one of our actors, MM, to stand and deliver a monologue that tore into the rest of us for our foul behavior and indecency. It used to be just shouting at us where we snarled back and "acted." After Lorna's tweak, we stood still and watched MM. She didn't move. She just stood there. Straight. Didn't even look at us. Lorna place a bit of pressure on the back of MM's neck and whispered "stay with it. say it." And as we gazed with resentment at MM, she, with tears streaming down her face, gave the most heartbreaking speech. Instead of caving in to the impulse to yell out and tear us down, she quietly put us each in our place. No one moved. No one hardly even breathed. Some couldnt look MM in the face because they truly felt shame. Some couldnt help but look at her, mesmerized by the guilt they felt. And I...I watched and listened. And tears began to fall from my eyes, too. For once, I didn't think. I just listened. And took what MM gave. And in return, I felt. I reacted. I didn't know I could. That I had that in me. And that, my friends, is what we (no, I) have always wanted. For something to feel right. I didn't cry because I thought, "well, I should really squeeze out a few tears here, it would really sell the piece." No. The tears were a by product for what was going on inside me. For what I felt for MM. At that moment, I broke her heart. And I knew it. And she was so open and generous in letting us see that vulnerability that it allowed each of us to react in an open way. Speaking for myself, it was one of the most incredible moments I've ever experienced. And THAT is why I'm here. THAT is what I do this for. For moments that are so beautiful that no words can truly express it. All I can say is, I wish you were there. I wish you could have felt what I felt. Alive.
The lunch session brought another success. I went to the bank. (cue dramatic impending doom music) and found that the money transfer had finally gone through. I am no longer poor. I have an account that functions. And it only took...five weeks.
The afternoon session was with the entire cohort. We found a way to integrate both pieces of work, intertwine them, and added transitions. I am truly excited for our performance tomorrow. And in celebration of that, most of us went to Molly Malone's for a couple of beers. I spoke with a couple of cohort member that I don't know very well, and felt more at home than I have in a very long time.
The walk home with LY and VM was brief and chilly (just the way I like it). Twinkly lights are being strung from the buildings giving Glasgow a magical glow. We stop at the fish n chips place, but don't feel guilty since we got our butts kicked this morning in warm up.
I am hopeful. A scary notion. Because hope means you have the ability to be disappointed. But hope also means there's a broadening in your vision. It means you have direction and purpose. It means I value myself again. This feeling may not sustain itself for long, but I can tell you, right now it feels pretty effing great. And I'm going hug it close to me for as long as I possibly can.
Home is where your heart is. But I never knew where my heart was. Or I put it in unhealthy things or gave it to people who were only temporary. It's made me a bit lost for a very long time. I'm still fairly lost. But I feel I have a much firmer footing in my world right now. I feel I belong. I can't tell you how rare that is.
It is not the place. It is not the people. Though both are delightful. It is me. Feeling useful, productive, worthy, and purposeful. I am my own home. And as long as I am at peace with me...I can make my home anywhere.
Now remind me of this when I next have a bad day and want to throw inanimate objects out the window. Because let's be honest. You know me. I'm a moody sort. And my tantrums are legendary.
Thinking of you.
No comments:
Post a Comment