There are little mongrels, demons if you will, trolling around an actor's head. Actually, I'm fairly certain they troll around everyone's head. But I find that actors are the most inflicted due to the fact that they have to deal with themselves all the friggin' time. These demons tend to pray on those that are most sensitive and with the most potential. They are as follows:
Demon #1 & #2 (Twins): Insecurity and LFA.
Insecurity (AKA totalus doubticus) is a rather short fat fugly demon that is of a yellow mucus color. Androgenous and of a jealous disposition, it attacks you right before you go on stage and often is that voice you hear in your head that says you are not good enough or that you are unable to do what is asked of you. If encountered regularly and not exorcised properly and consistantly, said demon will consume your talent, upon which it feeds, and leave you with no will to continue to follow your dreams.
LFA (AKA Lookereth foreth Approvaleth) is the whorish sister of Insecurity that is slimy in texture and of a transparent nature. You can see right through her. She shows up right after you've finished your show. Even though you may have a conscience that pats you on your back and says "well done", LFA is a much louder stereophonic voice that says, "I need to be told, verbally and physically, how absolutely awesome I am. Or I will die." She lies. No one ever dies from LFA. But they do tend to lose respect from the very sources that they seek approval. She feeds on empty promises and compliments and is never satiated. The more you feed her, the emptier you will feel. Until you are left not believing anything anyone says and are unsure of what is lie and what is truth.
Demon #3: The Nowwat.
Nowwat is the demon that comes in the form of non-theatre based voices. Those in your life who do not believe Acting can sustain you in a career. They are those that after you complete a project, show, or educational programme, ask "Now what?" "What's next for you?" "What are you going to do now?" This demon has tentacles with suction cups attached. They detach themselves from those non theatre voices and leap onto your own tongue. Soon you start speaking with this demon's voice yourself. "Now what am I going to do?" "What am I doing with my life?" Treatment for this little asshole is, for me, a litre of faith, a good night's sleep, and a new pair of shoes. These are quick fixes, of course. The larger treatment would be to take baby steps, focusing on the Now. If you look too far forward, the Nowwat ties your tongue, gives you a panic attack, and then (in really bad cases) paralyzes you.
Demon #4: Shouldawouldacoulda
The Shouldawouldacoulda (SWC) is my mother's least favorite demon. Because I constantly remind her that he's there. SWC is a male larva that hides in your hair and makes your scalp itch. He causes you to yank on your hair in frustration while thinking about all the things you should have done, would have done, or could have done. This demon is a distant cousin to the "Ifonly" monster who lives in the realm of regret. Both of these bastards are powerless unless you give them attention. Things that should have happened...didn't. If they were supposed to happen...they would have. And sure, you COULD have done something. But you didn't. You made the decision to NOT do said thing in place of another. Accept the decision and let it go. Easier said than done. SWC often shows up right after making a decision concerning whether to take a job or not, whether you should break up with someone or not, or where to move after graduation.
So there they are. There are billions of these beetle-like demons. But these are the ones that often haunt me. I'd say I've done quite well this year in keeping most at bay. But most recently, I find Demons #2 and #3 are gnawing at the back of my neck. #2 has me looking for approval from a select few people which can be even more dangerous than wanting it from the masses. Because it gives power and control to others which opens you up to hurt and makes you less likely to be able to focus on your job. If you are worrying about whether someone likes you or if they think you are doing a good job, then you aren't actually doing a good job. FOCUS, Stacy Lynn. #3 is looming its head because it's almost June and that means in less than four months I'll be back in the US with no job, no home, no theatre support group, no europe, and no idea what is coming next. You would think that since I've been in this situation quite a few times in the last decade that it would get easier. No friends. It does not. In some ways it's a bit harder. Because the SWC monster that says "You should be [insert normal standard sign of success here] by now" is speaking just a little bit louder and it takes a little more effort to drown him out. But I do drown him out.
It has been a very long time since I've told myself that I'm not enough. At least by acting standards. And I have enough faith in myself to know that I'm going to be just fine after this. It's just terrifying. Because I want to be more than mediocre and good. I want to be great. And be paid for it. And I still have a while to go.
As for needing approval from certain people...it'll pass. I approve of myself. And it's enough. Or at least it is when I'm not being a stupid hypersensitive little girl.
As for present life. My five days off were glorious. I was emotional when I wanted to be. I was alone when I wanted to be. I was with friends when I wanted to be. Sometimes it's just nice to have the choice. I saw a couple of movies, I got sun tanned at the park (the weather has since returned to its usual gray and chill but i dont mind it feels like home) and I continued my running at the gym. I do a 10:45 mile (down from a 12:45 mile two weeks ago) and a 38:45 5K (down from a 47 minute last month). And while I still bounce around emotionally, I'm good. Really good. Because I feel like I'm doing something with my life. And that something is what I WANT to do. How many people can say that, I ask you?
I have to admit though. I've had a few moments of missing parts of the past. I'm missing Stage managing at amda with Lizz, Dang, and Keon. And Andy's deli tuna melts or egg sandwiches being delivered to us by bike messenger in Central Park. I miss Faith's family dinners and Thurston's made up songs. Broadway shows, outdoor movies, and kayaking. My mom and I drinking wine while playing Hand and Foot or swinging on the deck swing as the sun goes down. Watching Jeopardy with my dad after a steak dinner. Tap dancing on subway platforms with Pauli. Ladies who lunch at the New Leaf cafe with Nessa. Queso and big hair night at Johanna's. Opera and Movies with Carolyn and Anthony. I miss things being open at all hours of the night. Priscilla and Megalicious hugs. Going to sleep in cool sheets and waking up to coffee that was on a timer. I miss a dishwasher and my own kitchen. Scratch that. I've never had my own kitchen. But I sure would like one. I miss my cousin Tillie and how she makes me take myself waaaaaaaaaay less seriously. And my niece and nephew, it kills me that I'm missing their birthdays yet again. And I miss my brother. I miss being able to sit next to him on a couch and not have to say anything other than "it's my turn" when we're playing the wii or xbox. because though we are not the type who have deep heart to heart's all the time, we've always had an understanding. The kind of thing that only comes from two people who were brought up the same way.
But you can't be in two places at once, let alone a dozen. Which is where I'd have to be in order to have all these things in my life at once. And that's the way it is. And it's fine. More than fine. Because I am happy where I am and what's next can include any and all of these things. When we listen to the Nowwat monster, we so often forget that what's next could be even better and brighter. And there are still so many things I want to do. Will money or the lack thereof get in the way? Absolutely. But I'm going to learn to fence, ride a horse, play the guitar and cello (not at the same time), do a roadtrip of the South, see prague and paris (and do it right this time), keep fresh flowers in my house, learn to garden, to change a tire, to master a stick shift, to make an excellent caramel macchiato, and meditate. I've got lists of things I want to do and see and be.
So, Nowwat demon, I'ma tell you Now What. I got plans. So WHAT you can do NOW is sit. and rotate.
x
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Sunshine Makes Me Sneeze
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so much better. Things are on the mend, people. And thank, God. If you think I've been annoying you with my whining, double that and that's how much I've been annoying myself. I mean, really. Just...ew. But I have slapped myself with a nice dose of reality and perspective (with the help of some good friends and family) and am doing much better.
I'm still having the occasional tantrum and I still don't always want to be around people. But it is leveling out where I don't question my every thought and belief. Looking back on some of it now I just shake my head while turning red in the face at how much I've been resembling a screaming three year old in the children's aisle at Barnes and Noble who needs a nap and a spanking.
Anyway.
Summer, however temporary it may prove to be, has come to Glasgow. I think that has helped as well. I've seen the sun almost three days straight. It even smells like summer. And the beauty of living in Scotland is that it stays light out from 6am till 1030pm. I'm sure it's just the world's way of making it up to us for the winter of darkness where we had sun only until 3pm sometimes. But whatever the reason, it has been nice wearing a tank top and flip flops. And I also have the odd sensation of having the next five days off. Somehow scheduling just worked out that way and since I'm ridiculously anal, I finished all my term papers and prep work for the On the Verge project that now I have literally nothing to do. And it is times like these that you ask yourself...when was the last time I had nothing to do? And what the hell did I do with that free time? ...I have no idea.
I wish I had known earlier because I would have found a way to pop over to Ireland. As it is, I'm not sure if I can afford it but who knows when I'll make it back to europe again so I feel like I should just bite the bullet and do it. That's the thing, the end of this year is in sight. And I've got to start thinking about that to do list of things I want to see before I go. I want to go back to Culzean Castle in Ayr. I want to see Platform 9 3/4 at King's Cross (stop laughing at me. I know you all cried when Dobby died in the movie), and see a show on the Globe Stage as a groundling, and go to the Tate Gallery, and Harrods department store. I want to go to a ceilidh. I have a slight panicky feeling because there is SO much I want to see and I know very well that I'm going to spend the next ten years (at least) paying back loans for this year and working towards actually having a career that travelling is just not going to happen. Not unless I get reeeeeeeally lucky.
One thing I have to look forward to though is my trip with KS to Malta next month. Five days at the real blue lagoon. Oh. Pardon me while I tear up a bit out of pure joy. And this week's weather has been just a taste of that goodness. I love going to sleep with my window open and waking up slightly chilled. I love sitting outside at a cafe drinking iced coffee with my kindle (I've started reading The Portrait of Dorian Gray) and getting unattractive tan lines.
Don't get me wrong. I'm still having some bad moments of flash backs from Malfi, but for the most part I've let it go and I know I made the right decision in doing so. And the Verge project and the New Playwrights play are two projects that I can totally look forward to. The On the Verge piece has been pure freedom. I feel like I really do think for myself and have something to offer. Though at times I may offer a bit too much. But the director has been so good in letting things happen.
We had our reading of the New Playwrights piece which is the play we will tour with and will be our final project of the year. The play was good. Still a work in progress, but good. And a comedy. Which is something they've never let us do. Someone is always dying in the pieces we usually do. So it was a wonderful change. I don't know what part I am playing yet and won't know until July which is a bit of a bummer. But I have faith in the writer and this director so I am not worried.
Other than that, I am just trying to figure out how I want to fill my next days off. I know, I know. First world problems, eh? I'm thinking that with the exception of a few planned get togethers that I've already promised to friends, I should lie low. Spend less money. And figure out what it's like to be around myself. Could be a disaster. Then again, it's either that or clean my bathroom. And let's be real, I'm much better company than Mr. Clean.
thinking of you x
I'm still having the occasional tantrum and I still don't always want to be around people. But it is leveling out where I don't question my every thought and belief. Looking back on some of it now I just shake my head while turning red in the face at how much I've been resembling a screaming three year old in the children's aisle at Barnes and Noble who needs a nap and a spanking.
Anyway.
Summer, however temporary it may prove to be, has come to Glasgow. I think that has helped as well. I've seen the sun almost three days straight. It even smells like summer. And the beauty of living in Scotland is that it stays light out from 6am till 1030pm. I'm sure it's just the world's way of making it up to us for the winter of darkness where we had sun only until 3pm sometimes. But whatever the reason, it has been nice wearing a tank top and flip flops. And I also have the odd sensation of having the next five days off. Somehow scheduling just worked out that way and since I'm ridiculously anal, I finished all my term papers and prep work for the On the Verge project that now I have literally nothing to do. And it is times like these that you ask yourself...when was the last time I had nothing to do? And what the hell did I do with that free time? ...I have no idea.
I wish I had known earlier because I would have found a way to pop over to Ireland. As it is, I'm not sure if I can afford it but who knows when I'll make it back to europe again so I feel like I should just bite the bullet and do it. That's the thing, the end of this year is in sight. And I've got to start thinking about that to do list of things I want to see before I go. I want to go back to Culzean Castle in Ayr. I want to see Platform 9 3/4 at King's Cross (stop laughing at me. I know you all cried when Dobby died in the movie), and see a show on the Globe Stage as a groundling, and go to the Tate Gallery, and Harrods department store. I want to go to a ceilidh. I have a slight panicky feeling because there is SO much I want to see and I know very well that I'm going to spend the next ten years (at least) paying back loans for this year and working towards actually having a career that travelling is just not going to happen. Not unless I get reeeeeeeally lucky.
One thing I have to look forward to though is my trip with KS to Malta next month. Five days at the real blue lagoon. Oh. Pardon me while I tear up a bit out of pure joy. And this week's weather has been just a taste of that goodness. I love going to sleep with my window open and waking up slightly chilled. I love sitting outside at a cafe drinking iced coffee with my kindle (I've started reading The Portrait of Dorian Gray) and getting unattractive tan lines.
Don't get me wrong. I'm still having some bad moments of flash backs from Malfi, but for the most part I've let it go and I know I made the right decision in doing so. And the Verge project and the New Playwrights play are two projects that I can totally look forward to. The On the Verge piece has been pure freedom. I feel like I really do think for myself and have something to offer. Though at times I may offer a bit too much. But the director has been so good in letting things happen.
We had our reading of the New Playwrights piece which is the play we will tour with and will be our final project of the year. The play was good. Still a work in progress, but good. And a comedy. Which is something they've never let us do. Someone is always dying in the pieces we usually do. So it was a wonderful change. I don't know what part I am playing yet and won't know until July which is a bit of a bummer. But I have faith in the writer and this director so I am not worried.
Other than that, I am just trying to figure out how I want to fill my next days off. I know, I know. First world problems, eh? I'm thinking that with the exception of a few planned get togethers that I've already promised to friends, I should lie low. Spend less money. And figure out what it's like to be around myself. Could be a disaster. Then again, it's either that or clean my bathroom. And let's be real, I'm much better company than Mr. Clean.
thinking of you x
Friday, May 18, 2012
Please Don't Let Me Be the Cat Lady.
I spoke with my mentor not too long ago and he reminded me that whenever i have something important and highly sensitive to say, to always make sure that it is kind, constructive, and true. I keep going back and forth with whether or not i need to bring up the difficulties during the malfi rehearsal process to my dept head. It's over after all and it's time to move on. I will not be working with the people that I had issues with again for the most part. So does it really matter? Will it help anything? I have a scheduled meeting with our programme director next thursday but now I am feeling as though it may not be worth it. Do I feel like some of the things I experienced were wrong? Yes. I do. Do I feel like in some ways I was gypped in my education? Yes. I do. But will it help anything in any way by talking to someone who may or may not be listening? I really don't know. I could say, well they need to know so they can avoid this in the future. I could say, I have a right to stamp my foot and tell the truth of what really went down. But no matter how kindly I put things, or how true...would it be constructive? I'm not so sure.
I would hate to make things worse for myself. I would hate to keep holding on to this emotional crud. I would hate to be accused of using this tutorial as therapy (as I was today in my tutorial with monsieur le directeur de demon.) So. What is best?
I am finally feeling stronger and more rested. I've gotten my sense of humor back. And despite a turbulent tutorial with an array of good and bad feedback, as well as a moment of obtuse criticism and yet a few moments of praise- I am finding my way back to human. So. Do I really need to hold on to this for another week only to retell frustrations that no one can do anything about anymore? ...I suppose I've answered my own questions. I think I'll cancel my tutorial and wait for the end of term conference where I can mention off handedly (hopefully off handedly since I'll be three weeks removed from it) that some things went awry during the process. And I'll believe that my past work and my future work will speak for itself. No, I did not get glowing reviews (or even luke warm reviews) from the examination board for my performance. And that's fine. I don't plan on ever reading reviews about myself in the future and only know about these because the director had to read them to me. But I know what that project was, why it ate itself from the inside, and why I did not succeed to the best of my ability. So I'll write my stupid summative term paper. And I'll write what they want to hear (even though I'm chewing down bile the entire time). And then I'm going to leave this section of my life behind, remind myself that there will be other classical pieces that I will be in, and that once again, this was just a miniscule blip on the radar of my career. And it's time to let the mother f&^ker go.
Now. To bigger and better things. The On the Verge project is going well, I think. I'm fairly sure that I will, in fact, be singing in it and I think the idea is going to really work. Now, more than ever, I am so grateful for the people I am working with. It makes it easier for me to just plow through without asking myself "but will i look stupid?" It's the one thing I really hope to get over in the time I have left here. I am so aware and concerned with embarrassment that it stops the creative flow. Or at least slows it down. I hate it, but I just need to make a huge ass out of myself more. And then accept it.
I'll admit that I'm not fully recovered from last week so it's been a bit difficult getting into the right mind set for the Verge. And it touches on subjects that I usually avoid so I'm even more hesitant. We did a particular improv where each character explained their view on marriage and then sort of challenge each other. As I said before, my character believes that marriage is a given. It's just done and there is no doubt in her mind that she will get married and that it will be great. What I have surprisingly discovered is that there is still a part of me that is that hopeful and innocent. That truly wishes that things might work out for the better. That marriage could make things even better. To enhance a relationship. I don't know why that feeling is there. Or why that makes me feel silly to sort of believe it.
But that improv was agonizing for me. People throwing statistics and logistics, making marriage a sterile and clinical contract of legalities. Sucking out all the romance, tradition, and feelings out of it. Complicating it with words like "divorce rate" and "studies show". As myself, I completely understand those points and facts. But when I put myself in the position of someone who believes in marriage so fully but only based on belief and feelings and no hard facts, it was easy to feel attacked and stupid. It was like telling someone that you still believe in santa claus when you are 30. I dont, btw. It was like talking about politics or religion; something I rarely do. Because when you speak about something you believe, with people who dont...well there are no winners. And it hurts. Because I want to believe that something can be unpoisoned. That weddings and marriages are something that celebrates the fact that you dont have to go through life alone anymore- not just a piece of paper that binds you and strangles all your freedoms. And those other characters shat all over it.
I think feeling caged is a pressure we put on ourselves. But then again, I suppose that depends on the type of spouse you are. I'd like to think that I wouldnt need to be with my significant other 24/7. That if he wanted to go on a trip with the boys or have an outside hobby which I don't care for, that I'd be absolutely fine with it. Because frankly, I'd expect the same thing from him. I've never understood relationships where if you invite one person, the other person HAS to be there as well. But hey, I've not been in all that many relationships. So what do i know?
It's crazy how this process forces you to think "what exactly do I believe?" And I think it comes to this, JS said something to the effect of, "I believe in marriage. But I believe you can take the chance, get married, and if it doesn't work out, hey, you tried." And I kind of believe that as well. It should be hard to get into and even harder to get out of. But if you find someone who you want to try to beat the statistics with, I say do it. It's better than being the cat lady. And besides, I'm allergic to cats.
Anyway. This weekend is dedicated to writing those stupid- oh. I mean really really awesome- term papers. Then I can fully focus on this Verge project. And our first reading of our Playwright's script is on Tuesday. So only positivity and creativity to look forward to. Back on track.
Thinking of you x
I would hate to make things worse for myself. I would hate to keep holding on to this emotional crud. I would hate to be accused of using this tutorial as therapy (as I was today in my tutorial with monsieur le directeur de demon.) So. What is best?
I am finally feeling stronger and more rested. I've gotten my sense of humor back. And despite a turbulent tutorial with an array of good and bad feedback, as well as a moment of obtuse criticism and yet a few moments of praise- I am finding my way back to human. So. Do I really need to hold on to this for another week only to retell frustrations that no one can do anything about anymore? ...I suppose I've answered my own questions. I think I'll cancel my tutorial and wait for the end of term conference where I can mention off handedly (hopefully off handedly since I'll be three weeks removed from it) that some things went awry during the process. And I'll believe that my past work and my future work will speak for itself. No, I did not get glowing reviews (or even luke warm reviews) from the examination board for my performance. And that's fine. I don't plan on ever reading reviews about myself in the future and only know about these because the director had to read them to me. But I know what that project was, why it ate itself from the inside, and why I did not succeed to the best of my ability. So I'll write my stupid summative term paper. And I'll write what they want to hear (even though I'm chewing down bile the entire time). And then I'm going to leave this section of my life behind, remind myself that there will be other classical pieces that I will be in, and that once again, this was just a miniscule blip on the radar of my career. And it's time to let the mother f&^ker go.
Now. To bigger and better things. The On the Verge project is going well, I think. I'm fairly sure that I will, in fact, be singing in it and I think the idea is going to really work. Now, more than ever, I am so grateful for the people I am working with. It makes it easier for me to just plow through without asking myself "but will i look stupid?" It's the one thing I really hope to get over in the time I have left here. I am so aware and concerned with embarrassment that it stops the creative flow. Or at least slows it down. I hate it, but I just need to make a huge ass out of myself more. And then accept it.
I'll admit that I'm not fully recovered from last week so it's been a bit difficult getting into the right mind set for the Verge. And it touches on subjects that I usually avoid so I'm even more hesitant. We did a particular improv where each character explained their view on marriage and then sort of challenge each other. As I said before, my character believes that marriage is a given. It's just done and there is no doubt in her mind that she will get married and that it will be great. What I have surprisingly discovered is that there is still a part of me that is that hopeful and innocent. That truly wishes that things might work out for the better. That marriage could make things even better. To enhance a relationship. I don't know why that feeling is there. Or why that makes me feel silly to sort of believe it.
But that improv was agonizing for me. People throwing statistics and logistics, making marriage a sterile and clinical contract of legalities. Sucking out all the romance, tradition, and feelings out of it. Complicating it with words like "divorce rate" and "studies show". As myself, I completely understand those points and facts. But when I put myself in the position of someone who believes in marriage so fully but only based on belief and feelings and no hard facts, it was easy to feel attacked and stupid. It was like telling someone that you still believe in santa claus when you are 30. I dont, btw. It was like talking about politics or religion; something I rarely do. Because when you speak about something you believe, with people who dont...well there are no winners. And it hurts. Because I want to believe that something can be unpoisoned. That weddings and marriages are something that celebrates the fact that you dont have to go through life alone anymore- not just a piece of paper that binds you and strangles all your freedoms. And those other characters shat all over it.
I think feeling caged is a pressure we put on ourselves. But then again, I suppose that depends on the type of spouse you are. I'd like to think that I wouldnt need to be with my significant other 24/7. That if he wanted to go on a trip with the boys or have an outside hobby which I don't care for, that I'd be absolutely fine with it. Because frankly, I'd expect the same thing from him. I've never understood relationships where if you invite one person, the other person HAS to be there as well. But hey, I've not been in all that many relationships. So what do i know?
It's crazy how this process forces you to think "what exactly do I believe?" And I think it comes to this, JS said something to the effect of, "I believe in marriage. But I believe you can take the chance, get married, and if it doesn't work out, hey, you tried." And I kind of believe that as well. It should be hard to get into and even harder to get out of. But if you find someone who you want to try to beat the statistics with, I say do it. It's better than being the cat lady. And besides, I'm allergic to cats.
Anyway. This weekend is dedicated to writing those stupid- oh. I mean really really awesome- term papers. Then I can fully focus on this Verge project. And our first reading of our Playwright's script is on Tuesday. So only positivity and creativity to look forward to. Back on track.
Thinking of you x
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Making Abba Sound Sexy.
I know what you're thinking. Abba already sounds sexy. How could it possibly get any sexier? Well, I'ma 'bout to try. Allow me to elaborate.
So the renaissance projects are finally over. I still feel nothing. But at least I've had an average of 10 hours a night of sleep so I am finally feeling a little more stable. Thank God. It's a very alarming thing to not trust your own thoughts and feelings. And to walk on eggshells because you are afraid of yourself. But this weekend was a time of disappearing and I revelled in every moment. I'm still not finished, but I'm on my way.
On Sunday I had coffee with KS to decompress. And boy did we ever. It was three hours of getting off our chest everything that we didn't give ourselves time to process over the last few months. The point was to get it out there, release it, and then be able to start fresh. And I felt a helluva lot better once I did. It helps so much to have a friend who you can say the strangest or most pathetic things to, and they don't even flinch. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm lucky to have KS around.
Monday was easy peasy for the most part. I had a mini photo shoot with my On the Verge partner JS for our poster to hang around the school. We spent an hour or so posing in couples' photos with cake smashed on our faces. Me, with a huge over enthusiastic smile. And JS, with facial expressions that spanned from "I wanna kill myself, please don't let me marry this woman" to "I feel like a kicked puppy." I'll post the photo below so you can check it out.
Doesn't he look thrilled?
Following that, I had a one on one session with our fearless director PB where we discussed possible music selections. Songs or snippets for me to sing in order to make the character a little more dynamic. As I've said before, the character is a feeling based person who comes from the element of water (see very early blog posts for explanations). And most songs are written from a feeling center. So it fits. Freaks me out. But it fits. And I have missed singing. This will be a good challenge. And something so far away from what I've been doing the past few months that I just know it's going to be good for me. Which is where ABBA comes in. The songs we are looking at are the cheesiest wedding songs on the face of the planet. Taking the piss out of a few but then possibly taking one horrible one, and revamping it to sound good and heart felt. I suppose these songs worked at one point for a reason. So I'm going to try to make them work again.
I'll admit I don't know this character yet and haven't a clue as to what she will become. But after observing a few people in the last day or so, I'm getting some ideas.
Yesterday was another one on one with the director and we discussed the root of what this character believes when it comes to marriage. Her first wedding she ever went to and how she believes that marriage is a given. Which is a huge stretch for me because I absolutely Don't believe it is. In the polite words of PB, "well, that's why they call it acting, babes." lol. Yes. Too true. So it's time to talk to some friends that I know who think like that. I remember growing up and thinking, "well, yes. You grow up, get old, get married, have two kids (a boy and a girl), a good job, and then you're 30." ...right. I've got the first and the last. I'm still working on the middle. I don't mind all that much. But the point is, I don't think it is a Given. That marriage is inevitable. And certainly not that marriage will make things all better. That it's just another step towards bigger happiness. Not that it can't be. But I think the odds are against you.
Right. So. All I have to do is some rewiring of my beliefs. Piece of wedding cake. Could be good for me. Reliving a time when I believed in unicorns and that Mt. Rainier was white because it was covered in frosting. No problem.
Today was a surprise day off. I thought to myself, I said, "Self, you know you want to sleep as long as you can and then read your book and then go back to sleep." Too true. I do. "But you also know that you have two and a half term papers due in less than two weeks." Shh. I can't hear you. "So I guess you better start on those." Ugh. You suck, self.
So that's what I've been doing. And I've made some good progress. I should hopefully have them wrapped up by this weekend. I will, of course, leave the bibliography till the very last moment since I hate doing them and never do them correctly anyway.
Feeling better and moving on. Huzzah.
x
So the renaissance projects are finally over. I still feel nothing. But at least I've had an average of 10 hours a night of sleep so I am finally feeling a little more stable. Thank God. It's a very alarming thing to not trust your own thoughts and feelings. And to walk on eggshells because you are afraid of yourself. But this weekend was a time of disappearing and I revelled in every moment. I'm still not finished, but I'm on my way.
On Sunday I had coffee with KS to decompress. And boy did we ever. It was three hours of getting off our chest everything that we didn't give ourselves time to process over the last few months. The point was to get it out there, release it, and then be able to start fresh. And I felt a helluva lot better once I did. It helps so much to have a friend who you can say the strangest or most pathetic things to, and they don't even flinch. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm lucky to have KS around.
Monday was easy peasy for the most part. I had a mini photo shoot with my On the Verge partner JS for our poster to hang around the school. We spent an hour or so posing in couples' photos with cake smashed on our faces. Me, with a huge over enthusiastic smile. And JS, with facial expressions that spanned from "I wanna kill myself, please don't let me marry this woman" to "I feel like a kicked puppy." I'll post the photo below so you can check it out.
Following that, I had a one on one session with our fearless director PB where we discussed possible music selections. Songs or snippets for me to sing in order to make the character a little more dynamic. As I've said before, the character is a feeling based person who comes from the element of water (see very early blog posts for explanations). And most songs are written from a feeling center. So it fits. Freaks me out. But it fits. And I have missed singing. This will be a good challenge. And something so far away from what I've been doing the past few months that I just know it's going to be good for me. Which is where ABBA comes in. The songs we are looking at are the cheesiest wedding songs on the face of the planet. Taking the piss out of a few but then possibly taking one horrible one, and revamping it to sound good and heart felt. I suppose these songs worked at one point for a reason. So I'm going to try to make them work again.
I'll admit I don't know this character yet and haven't a clue as to what she will become. But after observing a few people in the last day or so, I'm getting some ideas.
Yesterday was another one on one with the director and we discussed the root of what this character believes when it comes to marriage. Her first wedding she ever went to and how she believes that marriage is a given. Which is a huge stretch for me because I absolutely Don't believe it is. In the polite words of PB, "well, that's why they call it acting, babes." lol. Yes. Too true. So it's time to talk to some friends that I know who think like that. I remember growing up and thinking, "well, yes. You grow up, get old, get married, have two kids (a boy and a girl), a good job, and then you're 30." ...right. I've got the first and the last. I'm still working on the middle. I don't mind all that much. But the point is, I don't think it is a Given. That marriage is inevitable. And certainly not that marriage will make things all better. That it's just another step towards bigger happiness. Not that it can't be. But I think the odds are against you.
Right. So. All I have to do is some rewiring of my beliefs. Piece of wedding cake. Could be good for me. Reliving a time when I believed in unicorns and that Mt. Rainier was white because it was covered in frosting. No problem.
Today was a surprise day off. I thought to myself, I said, "Self, you know you want to sleep as long as you can and then read your book and then go back to sleep." Too true. I do. "But you also know that you have two and a half term papers due in less than two weeks." Shh. I can't hear you. "So I guess you better start on those." Ugh. You suck, self.
So that's what I've been doing. And I've made some good progress. I should hopefully have them wrapped up by this weekend. I will, of course, leave the bibliography till the very last moment since I hate doing them and never do them correctly anyway.
Feeling better and moving on. Huzzah.
x
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Bird Shit and Hiding Shame.
This is not one of my finer moments. But I assure you I am 100 % sober. And I have always promised to be honest when it came to this blog. So here it is.
I'm having a tough time. I wish I had the excuse that I was drunk. But for some reason, no matter how hard I tried to get inordinately pissed at the cast party tonight, nothing could shut out the thinking. So much thinking.
We finished Duchess of Malfi and Measure for Measure. Finally. And I feel as though I have a bad taste left in my mouth. At first I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. People felt an array of sadness or nostalgia. But I was numb all over. As if what was completed was as important as burnt toast.
And twenty four hours later, I keep waiting for release and relief. And all I can identify in terms of feelings is...I am disappointed. And, though I try so hard to deny it. I am angry. And what's more, I am ashamed to feel it. I came to this programme, to this school, to focus on classical acting. And the one main project that we do, the one time we focus completely on a classical piece, and it turns out to be one of the worst personal experiences I've ever had in theatre.
This is not to say that I did not have some good times with my cast. Or that I value my fellow actors less. Because they are what made the past few months bearable. And, despite a couple snafus, the show itself turned out to be very good and solid. Sure we had our second show slump (abismal, really) but then we turned it around and had three more really solid shows. And Measure was, in my eyes, always solid.
But speaking solely from a personal stand point...I know I should be able to find good things in all situations. I should accept and embrace. blah blah blah. But damnit. I'm struggling with it. And I don't know why.
I had a nightmare last night about all the things I did wrong in the run of Malfi. All the things I didn't say or could've said. I know very well that this doesn't help anyone. That there's nothing I can do about it now. But I am constantly haunted by how much shit I had to eat. By how badly I wanted to verbally pulverize some into the ground. And once again, I am ashamed that that impulse was there.
And it feeds into my relationships with people.
Do you ever feel like you just can't get anything right? Like whatever comes out of your mouth is just going to be rotten? I've said it before, I'm usually so careful with my words, but lately, I feel like I'm falling out of the "well spoken" tree and hitting every "tactless and feckless" branch on the way down. I'll think I've said something harmless. Or something clear. And then find out that I've completely torn a hole through someone. And by the time I've discovered my mistake, it's too late. And I feel like there's not enough duct tape in the world to suture it back together. And I'm sorry for it.
I feel helpless and careless. I feel tired and used. And I'm still angry.
I got an offer for a job today from NYC. A stage management job. Even a year later, people are still offering me jobs for SMing. Sometimes I wonder if it's a sign. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I keep pushing for something that brings so much annoyance, sleeplessness, and self doubt. Why do I keep pushing?
My last Duchess show, I felt like an overacting hack with a case of the stutters. I felt like an imposter. I felt like a fool. And I felt scared. Because I knew four months from now I'm going to be back in America. And I don't want to be. I'll admit it. I like my microcosm here. I like my safe little cocoon that I've spun. Where people think I'm something. Where I think I'm something.
And then I remember. I AM something. And I am just being a self indulgent little ass by whining about nothing or spilled milk or whatever analogy fits the situation. And that's enough. If I hurt someone, then I make it better. If I can't make it better, then I pray for forgiveness. From God and from the person I offended. If I am questioning whether or not I should be an actor, then I need to shape up or ship out. There's no room for "poor me's" and pity parties. I acknowledge that I've been through a lot these last few months. I acknowledge that I'm entitled to one good cry and maybe a tantrum or two. but that does not give me license to be an asshole. So. Get your shit together Stacy Lynn. Forgive yourself. And for God's sake, stop being so melancholic. You are better than this.
And to those I've offended, you know who you are, I am sorry. I will replace the foot from my mouth with words of love. Though I have an awful amount of pride, I will admit when I am wrong or have chosen the wrong approach. I have done so with you, "person-who-cats-hate". And I will make it up to you.
As for what's next. I can only imagine that it's all good things from here on out. I hope to write more of interesting and exciting experiences. It is the home stretch of my time here. On the Verge and then our New Playwrights' plays and tour. and then that's it. With the exception of little workshops here and there and the Edinburgh Fringe...that's it. How can that be it?
In other news, I got my haircut today and then right afterwards, a bird shat on my head. It was green. And smelly. I am told that that is good luck. My only question then would be when this luck will start kicking in. And, if said luck is a myth, where the effing aerial bomber of a pigeon is so I can kick it's feathery green poo-ing disease ridden ass. stupid flying-rats...
I'll give 'em till July. If the luck doesn't kick in by then, there'll be another animal on the extinction list.
I'm having a tough time. I wish I had the excuse that I was drunk. But for some reason, no matter how hard I tried to get inordinately pissed at the cast party tonight, nothing could shut out the thinking. So much thinking.
We finished Duchess of Malfi and Measure for Measure. Finally. And I feel as though I have a bad taste left in my mouth. At first I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. People felt an array of sadness or nostalgia. But I was numb all over. As if what was completed was as important as burnt toast.
And twenty four hours later, I keep waiting for release and relief. And all I can identify in terms of feelings is...I am disappointed. And, though I try so hard to deny it. I am angry. And what's more, I am ashamed to feel it. I came to this programme, to this school, to focus on classical acting. And the one main project that we do, the one time we focus completely on a classical piece, and it turns out to be one of the worst personal experiences I've ever had in theatre.
This is not to say that I did not have some good times with my cast. Or that I value my fellow actors less. Because they are what made the past few months bearable. And, despite a couple snafus, the show itself turned out to be very good and solid. Sure we had our second show slump (abismal, really) but then we turned it around and had three more really solid shows. And Measure was, in my eyes, always solid.
But speaking solely from a personal stand point...I know I should be able to find good things in all situations. I should accept and embrace. blah blah blah. But damnit. I'm struggling with it. And I don't know why.
I had a nightmare last night about all the things I did wrong in the run of Malfi. All the things I didn't say or could've said. I know very well that this doesn't help anyone. That there's nothing I can do about it now. But I am constantly haunted by how much shit I had to eat. By how badly I wanted to verbally pulverize some into the ground. And once again, I am ashamed that that impulse was there.
And it feeds into my relationships with people.
Do you ever feel like you just can't get anything right? Like whatever comes out of your mouth is just going to be rotten? I've said it before, I'm usually so careful with my words, but lately, I feel like I'm falling out of the "well spoken" tree and hitting every "tactless and feckless" branch on the way down. I'll think I've said something harmless. Or something clear. And then find out that I've completely torn a hole through someone. And by the time I've discovered my mistake, it's too late. And I feel like there's not enough duct tape in the world to suture it back together. And I'm sorry for it.
I feel helpless and careless. I feel tired and used. And I'm still angry.
I got an offer for a job today from NYC. A stage management job. Even a year later, people are still offering me jobs for SMing. Sometimes I wonder if it's a sign. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I keep pushing for something that brings so much annoyance, sleeplessness, and self doubt. Why do I keep pushing?
My last Duchess show, I felt like an overacting hack with a case of the stutters. I felt like an imposter. I felt like a fool. And I felt scared. Because I knew four months from now I'm going to be back in America. And I don't want to be. I'll admit it. I like my microcosm here. I like my safe little cocoon that I've spun. Where people think I'm something. Where I think I'm something.
And then I remember. I AM something. And I am just being a self indulgent little ass by whining about nothing or spilled milk or whatever analogy fits the situation. And that's enough. If I hurt someone, then I make it better. If I can't make it better, then I pray for forgiveness. From God and from the person I offended. If I am questioning whether or not I should be an actor, then I need to shape up or ship out. There's no room for "poor me's" and pity parties. I acknowledge that I've been through a lot these last few months. I acknowledge that I'm entitled to one good cry and maybe a tantrum or two. but that does not give me license to be an asshole. So. Get your shit together Stacy Lynn. Forgive yourself. And for God's sake, stop being so melancholic. You are better than this.
And to those I've offended, you know who you are, I am sorry. I will replace the foot from my mouth with words of love. Though I have an awful amount of pride, I will admit when I am wrong or have chosen the wrong approach. I have done so with you, "person-who-cats-hate". And I will make it up to you.
As for what's next. I can only imagine that it's all good things from here on out. I hope to write more of interesting and exciting experiences. It is the home stretch of my time here. On the Verge and then our New Playwrights' plays and tour. and then that's it. With the exception of little workshops here and there and the Edinburgh Fringe...that's it. How can that be it?
In other news, I got my haircut today and then right afterwards, a bird shat on my head. It was green. And smelly. I am told that that is good luck. My only question then would be when this luck will start kicking in. And, if said luck is a myth, where the effing aerial bomber of a pigeon is so I can kick it's feathery green poo-ing disease ridden ass. stupid flying-rats...
I'll give 'em till July. If the luck doesn't kick in by then, there'll be another animal on the extinction list.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Opening Nights and Looking Up.
Things are getting better. And that's good.
When you are in a show, a stressful situation, when you are hypersensitive or over-emotional, or (like now) you are all of the above, it is difficult sometimes to tell the difference between what you really feel and what is just the tired talking. It can be frustrating, not being able to trust your own feelings. To have to constantly ask yourself, "Is that person being an asshole? Or am I just too sensitive? Was I too bitchy just then? Is that person mad at me?" When really, all the person did was say, "hi."
Thus is how it has been for a few weeks now. For all in the cast, I think.
I have tried very hard to not bring that manic and exhausting energy into the dressing rooms this week for our shows. Especially for the Measure cast. Our Malfi problems have nothing to do with them and they deserve the respect and support and purity of vibes from all of us. I hope I have been successful.
That being said, the shows have gone exceedingly well. And I couldn't be prouder of all involved. Wednesday brought the opening night for Measure for Measure. I find their atmosphere to be fun. FUN. Imagine that. And what's more, they are focused when they warm up. Which helped me to be focused. I enjoyed their show, both being a part of it and watching it. And it's very hard to feel low when you are dressed up like a hooker and prancing around advancing on audience members. So I left feeling ten times better than I had the day before.
Thursday, I was dreading. I didn't know what to expect from the director for our opening night. We were called for a run through, a few technical changes, then dinner break and then performance. When we got there, the director was incredibly upbeat as if nothing had happened. He had a list of changes to the show, mostly cutting cues, transitions, and props. He simplified things that should have been simplified ages ago. And then gave notes to each of us. Then we charged through a run through. You could feel most of us waiting for the ugly other shoe to drop but it never came. And though the run through was a bit rough around the edges, we left for our dinner break feeling like we may have a chance of pulling this off.
The pleasant thing was...we did. We totally pulled it off. With almost a full house, we collectively said to ourselves "eff it." and hit the ground running. And the show was the best we'd ever done. It was alive, slightly dangerous, collective, and paced. We worked with each other, took a few risks and artistic licenses, and plowed right through it. As soon as we were off the stage from the curtain call, the girls went back to the dressing room and for a moment there we were dazed. And then we squealed and hugged. For me, it was in disbelief. How the hell did we just pull that off? I can't say all the angst has been worth it. But I can say I am so unbelievably proud that we could put something worth seeing out there after what we've been through. And I am so grateful to have been able to have such a great opening night. I didn't realize how badly we needed to feel it. Correction. How badly I needed to feel it.
I know that we have to be careful now not to get into a second show slump, but I have faith that we can keep this momentum going. Seeing as we are doing the shows in rep, we wont get another crack at Malfi until Monday which is a bit scary. But who knows, maybe a step away from the show could be good for us.
Today brought a day off. So a few friends and I went to have a day in Edinburgh. We went to a few old bookshops and trinket stores. I managed to pick up a small sparkly gift for my niece (and one for myself) as well as a handmade journal that I absolutely love. We then went to see The Lieutenant of Inishmore at the Lyceum Theatre (the show I did my placement with). It was nice to see a play that had nothing to do with being classical. And it was also nice to see the finished product of a play that I saw in its early beginnings. For the most part, it was a solid show. But I found the technical side a bit distracting and the sound cues almost comical. And the acting was at times a bit muggy. I am only this critical because I've seen what they could do in rehearsals. There were so many beautiful moments that just didn't happen on stage. But I still enjoyed it very much, it was very funny, and well directed.
After the show we went to a great italian restaurant and had brilliant food and almost three hours of conversation. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found a couple of people that I can decompress with. It is so important to be able to tell somebody how you really and truly are. Even if it isn't the most uplifting of conversations. You don't need to be fixed or advised. You just need to be heard. And not judged. And while I still very much feel the echoes of this past week, and I still need an epic cry, I feel much better for having said what has been on my mind. I am very lucky to have them.
Now, for the next week, it is all about remaining focused, being "kind, constructive, and truthful" (thank you, Ray Virta), and positive. Things are looking up.
x
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace...
When you are in a show, a stressful situation, when you are hypersensitive or over-emotional, or (like now) you are all of the above, it is difficult sometimes to tell the difference between what you really feel and what is just the tired talking. It can be frustrating, not being able to trust your own feelings. To have to constantly ask yourself, "Is that person being an asshole? Or am I just too sensitive? Was I too bitchy just then? Is that person mad at me?" When really, all the person did was say, "hi."
Thus is how it has been for a few weeks now. For all in the cast, I think.
I have tried very hard to not bring that manic and exhausting energy into the dressing rooms this week for our shows. Especially for the Measure cast. Our Malfi problems have nothing to do with them and they deserve the respect and support and purity of vibes from all of us. I hope I have been successful.
That being said, the shows have gone exceedingly well. And I couldn't be prouder of all involved. Wednesday brought the opening night for Measure for Measure. I find their atmosphere to be fun. FUN. Imagine that. And what's more, they are focused when they warm up. Which helped me to be focused. I enjoyed their show, both being a part of it and watching it. And it's very hard to feel low when you are dressed up like a hooker and prancing around advancing on audience members. So I left feeling ten times better than I had the day before.
Thursday, I was dreading. I didn't know what to expect from the director for our opening night. We were called for a run through, a few technical changes, then dinner break and then performance. When we got there, the director was incredibly upbeat as if nothing had happened. He had a list of changes to the show, mostly cutting cues, transitions, and props. He simplified things that should have been simplified ages ago. And then gave notes to each of us. Then we charged through a run through. You could feel most of us waiting for the ugly other shoe to drop but it never came. And though the run through was a bit rough around the edges, we left for our dinner break feeling like we may have a chance of pulling this off.
The pleasant thing was...we did. We totally pulled it off. With almost a full house, we collectively said to ourselves "eff it." and hit the ground running. And the show was the best we'd ever done. It was alive, slightly dangerous, collective, and paced. We worked with each other, took a few risks and artistic licenses, and plowed right through it. As soon as we were off the stage from the curtain call, the girls went back to the dressing room and for a moment there we were dazed. And then we squealed and hugged. For me, it was in disbelief. How the hell did we just pull that off? I can't say all the angst has been worth it. But I can say I am so unbelievably proud that we could put something worth seeing out there after what we've been through. And I am so grateful to have been able to have such a great opening night. I didn't realize how badly we needed to feel it. Correction. How badly I needed to feel it.
I know that we have to be careful now not to get into a second show slump, but I have faith that we can keep this momentum going. Seeing as we are doing the shows in rep, we wont get another crack at Malfi until Monday which is a bit scary. But who knows, maybe a step away from the show could be good for us.
Today brought a day off. So a few friends and I went to have a day in Edinburgh. We went to a few old bookshops and trinket stores. I managed to pick up a small sparkly gift for my niece (and one for myself) as well as a handmade journal that I absolutely love. We then went to see The Lieutenant of Inishmore at the Lyceum Theatre (the show I did my placement with). It was nice to see a play that had nothing to do with being classical. And it was also nice to see the finished product of a play that I saw in its early beginnings. For the most part, it was a solid show. But I found the technical side a bit distracting and the sound cues almost comical. And the acting was at times a bit muggy. I am only this critical because I've seen what they could do in rehearsals. There were so many beautiful moments that just didn't happen on stage. But I still enjoyed it very much, it was very funny, and well directed.
After the show we went to a great italian restaurant and had brilliant food and almost three hours of conversation. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found a couple of people that I can decompress with. It is so important to be able to tell somebody how you really and truly are. Even if it isn't the most uplifting of conversations. You don't need to be fixed or advised. You just need to be heard. And not judged. And while I still very much feel the echoes of this past week, and I still need an epic cry, I feel much better for having said what has been on my mind. I am very lucky to have them.
Now, for the next week, it is all about remaining focused, being "kind, constructive, and truthful" (thank you, Ray Virta), and positive. Things are looking up.
x
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace...
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
You Can't Be Liked By Everyone.
I lose my balance when i can't talk things out. i depend on words; how they are used, how they are delivered, how they are taken. believe it or not, it matters a great deal if i ever upset anyone or hurt them. if i ever do so, it is an unfortunate side effect of my inability to keep the truth (or my version of it) in. I choose to tell people a straight forward truth, because i want to respect them. I don't want to insult them by lying, or beating around the bush, or even falsely pretending that something is ok when it is not. I do my best to, in return, take whatever flack is thrown back at me as a result. i know what I have to say is not always easy to hear. and so I try very hard to accept the exact treatment that i give. "treat others as you would like to be treated."
i have never been more hurt in my life as when someone has lied to me or avoided telling me outright what it is that is wrong. i understand that this can be scary. though i am outright often, it doesnt mean that it doesnt scare the shit out of me everytime i do it. i want to be liked. i want to be loved. I want to have friends and be respected and not be spoken ill of. and when it comes to the professional world, i know this is a very thin line to walk. especially in the theatre/film world. people often don't want to hear the truth. they want to hear what they want to hear. or they just want you to shut up and do what you are told. whatever it is, i know that my lack of couth and patience will not see me quickly to the top. whatever that "top" is. but i, at least, can guarantee that i WILL respect myself when i get there.
why am i saying this, you ask?
because i suppose i need to remind myself who i am at this very instant. because i need to remind myself that i am human and am allowed to be hurt. and because i need to remind myself that sometimes, no matter how you word things, how clear you try to make yourself, or how respectful and truthful you try to be...sometimes you just arent liked for it.
I made a decision to discuss something with my director that i felt was not okay. Despite my displeasure with him, i have tried to keep my mind open to his way of doing things even though i do not care for how he uses his words. I have often found him to be offensive to my fellow castmates, disrespectful, and borderline abusive. But behind all his faff, what he said about acting was always true in my book. So though it may not have looked like it, i have tried to start each rehearsal as though the tension in the room wasn't 5ft thick and smelling of rank distain. because that's how i always felt with him. that he distained us. that we were soft, inexperienced, untalented students who'd never amount to much and that he'd be happy to take his paycheck and never see our faces again once this was over.
Now, I said that's what i felt that he thought. but that's NOT what i feel about myself or my castmates. it is reassuring to know that said person has had no imprint on my self esteem or worth when it comes to my acting abilities or my opinion of others.
but back to the point of the story. i made a choice to bring something up and made a request. I tried to be as clear and respectful and personable to him as i could. in truth, i have felt overloaded, emotionally drained, and downright tired. I have never been in a rehearsal process that has been so draining and pure poison before. and i could feel that my boiling point was being reached. so i made sure i was extra careful with the tone of my voice, choice of words, and tried to be as understanding as i could.
it did not go well.
i believe he felt attacked in some way. i'm not sure. but whatever happened, it ended very badly. i am grateful that quite a few of my castmates were there and they assure me that i have no reason to blame myself for anything. i know that they have been feeling the same way. I go back over the "conversation" (if you can call it that) to see where it went wrong, and i truly have no idea. I know many of you are wishing i'd stop talking in generalities and give details but I'd still like to come out of this respecting myself and being a professional. So I'll keep them to myself and those that were there. But i needed to write something. So that it doesn't just sit there and fester. Because it would. And I, nor any of my castmates, don't deserve that. And I am determined to finish this show with nothing in my head but my job and generosity towards my cast.
Another unfortunate outcome was that, while i managed to leave the presence of my director with my dignity in tact...i lost it once i left the building. i had known i needed a good cry. and i knew that if i didnt get one soon that a panic attack would probably come at the most inopportune time. yeah, well it did. and i can't say that i'm not embarrassed about it. justified or not, it is not something i needed anyone to see. and there were plenty to see it.
i am alright. i have good friends who take excellent care of me. but falling apart is something i prefer to do in private. but it's done. and i'm going to let that go. just as i'm going to take whatever flack, guilt, or blame from the director over the next 48hours that i will have with him. because despite what he may think of me, i am good at what i do.
And you can't be liked and respected by everyone.
I refuse to leave it on that note however, so I'd like to wish the Measure for Measure cast a very happy opening night tomorrow. Be brave, have fun, and break legs! You've worked hard and played hard and deserve every moment on that stage. xoxo
i have never been more hurt in my life as when someone has lied to me or avoided telling me outright what it is that is wrong. i understand that this can be scary. though i am outright often, it doesnt mean that it doesnt scare the shit out of me everytime i do it. i want to be liked. i want to be loved. I want to have friends and be respected and not be spoken ill of. and when it comes to the professional world, i know this is a very thin line to walk. especially in the theatre/film world. people often don't want to hear the truth. they want to hear what they want to hear. or they just want you to shut up and do what you are told. whatever it is, i know that my lack of couth and patience will not see me quickly to the top. whatever that "top" is. but i, at least, can guarantee that i WILL respect myself when i get there.
why am i saying this, you ask?
because i suppose i need to remind myself who i am at this very instant. because i need to remind myself that i am human and am allowed to be hurt. and because i need to remind myself that sometimes, no matter how you word things, how clear you try to make yourself, or how respectful and truthful you try to be...sometimes you just arent liked for it.
I made a decision to discuss something with my director that i felt was not okay. Despite my displeasure with him, i have tried to keep my mind open to his way of doing things even though i do not care for how he uses his words. I have often found him to be offensive to my fellow castmates, disrespectful, and borderline abusive. But behind all his faff, what he said about acting was always true in my book. So though it may not have looked like it, i have tried to start each rehearsal as though the tension in the room wasn't 5ft thick and smelling of rank distain. because that's how i always felt with him. that he distained us. that we were soft, inexperienced, untalented students who'd never amount to much and that he'd be happy to take his paycheck and never see our faces again once this was over.
Now, I said that's what i felt that he thought. but that's NOT what i feel about myself or my castmates. it is reassuring to know that said person has had no imprint on my self esteem or worth when it comes to my acting abilities or my opinion of others.
but back to the point of the story. i made a choice to bring something up and made a request. I tried to be as clear and respectful and personable to him as i could. in truth, i have felt overloaded, emotionally drained, and downright tired. I have never been in a rehearsal process that has been so draining and pure poison before. and i could feel that my boiling point was being reached. so i made sure i was extra careful with the tone of my voice, choice of words, and tried to be as understanding as i could.
it did not go well.
i believe he felt attacked in some way. i'm not sure. but whatever happened, it ended very badly. i am grateful that quite a few of my castmates were there and they assure me that i have no reason to blame myself for anything. i know that they have been feeling the same way. I go back over the "conversation" (if you can call it that) to see where it went wrong, and i truly have no idea. I know many of you are wishing i'd stop talking in generalities and give details but I'd still like to come out of this respecting myself and being a professional. So I'll keep them to myself and those that were there. But i needed to write something. So that it doesn't just sit there and fester. Because it would. And I, nor any of my castmates, don't deserve that. And I am determined to finish this show with nothing in my head but my job and generosity towards my cast.
Another unfortunate outcome was that, while i managed to leave the presence of my director with my dignity in tact...i lost it once i left the building. i had known i needed a good cry. and i knew that if i didnt get one soon that a panic attack would probably come at the most inopportune time. yeah, well it did. and i can't say that i'm not embarrassed about it. justified or not, it is not something i needed anyone to see. and there were plenty to see it.
i am alright. i have good friends who take excellent care of me. but falling apart is something i prefer to do in private. but it's done. and i'm going to let that go. just as i'm going to take whatever flack, guilt, or blame from the director over the next 48hours that i will have with him. because despite what he may think of me, i am good at what i do.
And you can't be liked and respected by everyone.
I refuse to leave it on that note however, so I'd like to wish the Measure for Measure cast a very happy opening night tomorrow. Be brave, have fun, and break legs! You've worked hard and played hard and deserve every moment on that stage. xoxo
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