A week of hibernating and it's still not enough. After last writing, I managed to hair model at the BBC Scotland for a couple of days. I enjoyed it and learned a lot about 1940's/50s hair and wigs. It inspired me to cut my bangs and look into investing for a whole new wardrobe someday. The woman over seeing it won an academy award for "La Vie en Rose" and also did hair for Gosford Park and The Duchess. And though it took days to get all the hairspray and wig glue out of my hair, it was nice to get all gussied up for a bit.
After that, I pretty much took four days to disappear. I mostly either went to the gym or watched old hollywood films and a marathon of all three seasons of True Blood. That was it. I've been off my emotional rocker so I needed to just take time to square myself and find perspective with everything: where I'm going to move next, what type of career I want, what are my flaws and downfalls, what might hold me back, money, loneliness, finding peace over this Malfi project, and just allowing myself to be absolutely grumpy for a while. It was not long enough but it certainly helped.
This weekend I went with AK to her home of Fife. She took me on a road trip to three beaches, small towns, an old church on the sea, the best fish and chips in Scotland, and we had mint chocolate chip ice cream cones. It was so relaxing and peaceful. AK is the kind of friend you could take anywhere and either be ridiculous with or quiet. It's nice. AND she let me play whatever music I wanted in the car. Can we say 90s mix tapes and teen pop ballads? Oh, yeah. That happened.
Scotland is really one of the prettiest places I've ever been. Reminds me so much of where I grew up. When you get out of the city, it's green everywhere. The weather is completely menopausal. One minute it's sun, then clouds, then rain, then warm, then cold. There was one point when we were walking along the smooth sandy beach of Tentsmuir, one way it was a light breeze and sun, and on the way back, out of nowhere, a thick blanket of fog closed in on us. Within minutes we could no longer see further than fifteen feet in front of us. AK said, "this is the point in the film where we would get murdered." I was actually thinking the same thing, "shouldn't we be running for our lives or something?"
But it was truly a nice quick getaway. Just M&Ms, a car named Beth, mixed tapes, and a beach. And the small villages are places that make me wish I could just be some sort of recluse writer that holed up in her small house near the sea and only be seen when her publisher is begging for the next manuscript. What would life be like if your biggest worry is what to plant in your garden this season? Although, in truth, I'd probably manage to get bored with myself within days and I've got a black thumb and would kill anything I tried to grow instantly. But one can dream.
As for a Prayer for a Friend.
I have a friend here in our cohort who has had probably the worst luck in the history of the universe. I love my friend, SW. He is one of the smartest people I know with his two masters degrees and quiz night knowledge. He's one of those people who can take you to the art museum and walk painting by painting giving you a full history of british monarchy and politics just by identifying the art. On pub quiz nights, I'll be overjoyed when I get 1 out of 25 questions right, and he'll already have had the answer for the other 24. My question is usually something stupid like which Elvis song was also a movie but it's also the only movie in which he dies in the end? P.s. the answer is Love Me Tender. But I digress. Anyway, SW also happens to be one of the most tenderhearted guys I know, while at the same time is also overtly blunt and honest. You know that when he starts a sentence in his Geordie accent, "I'm not trying to be funny but..." that the next words coming out of his mouth will be direct and a bit...saucy...for lack of a better word. And I love that. Because I know he doesn't pansy-ass around a point. And he says what most people are thinking. He'd also go out of his way to be there for a friend, would protect a stranger, would see five films at the cinema in one day and give you a review of each when he's done, and, to me at least, listens when I have something to say. And he makes me laugh.
SW has had a few accidents this year from a variety of unlucky moments, and this week he's had the worst one of all. He's ok but he's banged up pretty bad from a car accident. I know he's going to be ok. But it sure couldn't hurt to have a few extra prayers and good vibes sent out to the cosmos on his behalf. So if you wouldn't mind, before you go to beddy bye tonight, do me a huge favor and send one up to your deity of choice for him. I'd be ever so grateful.
Thanks so much. xoxo
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Recharging and Fish Net Stockings. oooo boo boo honey child.
This week has been odd. In an unsettling way. We've had no classes or rehearsals so I know I should feel that sort of release that you get when you realize you are on vacation. But I don't. And that sucks. I can't seem to unwind.
Rehearsals last week did not end well in my mind. I have this nagging feeling that the director thinks our cast is crap and that I don't know how to think for myself. It's one thing to be disliked for actual truths about yourself. I can almost handle that (though I really hate being disliked), but when I am disliked for something that is not true, then that really irks me. I KNOW HOW TO THINK FOR MYSELF. When you are in a rehearsal room, the issues are rarely the fault of a single person. So, I will take responsibility for any closed mindedness I may have, for my facial expressions which have a life of their own when I am displeased, and for the billions of questions I always feel bubbling inside me and occasionally get asked. But I will not apologize for being confused or for feeling like I am not respected. The role I have does not actually exist in the play. It is a mixture of four parts and it has changed from being a Concept role, to a sadist, to a Mary Poppins on crack, to a school marm undertaker, to an efficient mother, and now who knows what. So I think I am entitled to be a little confused. And I understand that I am supposed to make my own decisions about a role and that that is my job. But I think I should have a jumping off point so that I have some structure. I do not like feeling lost. And I get the feeling that I am not the only one in this cast who feels this. My mistake,in sum, has been caring entirely too much about what this guy thinks and placing way too much emphasis on this project as if it epitomizes my career. This is a blip on my radar, people. Perspective. Must keep that in mind. ...but I never like feeling like I'm shite. And I never like feeling like my best is not good enough. I have felt both these things. And I hate that I am tempted to settle for luke warm characterization. I deserve better than that. And so does my cast. So. I am using these next three weeks to complete my rather large "To Do" list, but also to do some serious jesus-prayin' that I find a way to put whatever bitterness I have aside so that I can walk back into that rehearsal room after break, refreshed, open, and not with an impulse to flip the bird every two seconds. That is my goal. It's gonna take a lot of prayin.'
Anyway. Last Saturday I managed to go to Oran Mor (an old cathedral that was converted into a pub and theatre) for A Play, Pie, and a Pint. Which is exactly what it sounds like. You get to watch a play while enjoying a pint and meat pie. I've given up drinking for the next couple of weeks so I stuck with diet coke, but it was fine because I really enjoyed the show. Then we went to a pub to watch my first Rugby match (Scotland v Ireland). I lasted about 90 minutes before I realized I was falling asleep. It wasn't boring! I swear! But my body has been crashing from all the excess work. Sometimes you never realize how tired you are until you stop moving and thinking. So I spent all Sunday watching a marathon of True Blood and sleeping.
Monday was my first costume fitting for Duchess of Malfi. It was what it was. Some of the decisions made have helped me get an idea of where my character is actually supposed to go so it was useful. It's funny when you've got a picture of who you think you are in your head, then you put on the clothing options and realize...wow...I've been so wrong. So THIS is where you want me to go with it!
I also spent the morning with AK and KS watching them take headshots. I always love a good photo shoot.
Tuesday was the audition for As You Like It for the Bard in the Botanics. Basically it's a summer festival where you perform Shakespeare outside in the botanical gardens. This year they were looking for Phoebe and also two male parts. The audition was fine. I find if I got through the monologue and gave it my best shot, then it was a success. We don't find out for a week or so but I am fine either way. Either I get it, or I am taking a trip to Malta. It's a WIN-WIN.
I also had a meeting with the head of opera at RCS with a few of my other cohort members. He is putting on a sort of benefit dinner in Edinburgh to promote the RCS and help gain scholarship funds and the theme is Shakespeare. I was asked to perform a few Sonnets for the evening. Pretty neat, they feed us and everythin'. :)
Tuesday night was our cohort's (a tradition now, I think) Brinner night. Breakfast for dinner to celebrate the end of our term. I brought breakfast burritos this time. It was many an hour of just sitting back, eating, and relaxing.
Wednesday was rehearsal for On the Verge with PB. As per usual, it was fun and inventive. Our assignment was to make a "mix tape" for our significant other in the project and find reasons behind each song. We've also been assigned an element (earth, fire, air, water) to work with so that we start to deviate from our actual selves in the improvs. My element is water and the more I study about it the more I'm like, "Ew." It's all about feelings and needs and shit. Sigh. Not that I don't have them. I can actually be quite emotional and needy. Which is why I keep a tight leash on stuff like that. It's hard for me to respect women who have an excess of that. Ok, that's sounds really bad. But I just keep picturing those women I see who are all over their guys like, "save me save me! I can't open this peanut butter jar and need your big stwong hands to hewp me. boo hoo hoo." But I just have to remember that my mother is a water person. And she's not like that. She's the most feeling person I know. But it's not neediness. It's empathy. It's those kinds of people that when they love, they love big. Which is scary for me to think about doing. These people are the bravest because it's more important to love someone then to worry about being rejected. This also makes them incredibly sensitive as well. It will be an interesting challenge. Let's see if I chicken out. Bets, anyone?
Today was my last costume fitting of the week. This time for my appearance as a whore in Measure for Measure. I am SOOOOO glad I've been going to the gym, because wowzers. We're talking tacky strappy blue heels, fishnet stockings, stretchy animal print short skirt, open teal lace up corset-ish thing with only a black bra underneath, blue synthetic bob wig, red fishnet gloves, pimp daddy dollar sign ring, large light blue hoop earrings from the 80s, and a feather boa. uh whuuuuuuuuuuuuuh? Baby boo boo honey child, I am gooooooooood lookin'. It is certainly a side of me that many have not seen before. But I am actually, as of now, fairly comfortable in it. But I will certainly not be slacking off on the treadmill over the next six weeks.
Well, that about wraps it up. I have hair modeling tomorrow at BBC Scotland. They are doing master classes for period hair from the 1900s to present. The lady in charge of it is Academy Award winning I think. She may have done the hair for Sense and Sensibility if I remember correctly. So that will be fun, I hope. But it's an early morning so off to beddy bye, I go.
Thinking of you x
Rehearsals last week did not end well in my mind. I have this nagging feeling that the director thinks our cast is crap and that I don't know how to think for myself. It's one thing to be disliked for actual truths about yourself. I can almost handle that (though I really hate being disliked), but when I am disliked for something that is not true, then that really irks me. I KNOW HOW TO THINK FOR MYSELF. When you are in a rehearsal room, the issues are rarely the fault of a single person. So, I will take responsibility for any closed mindedness I may have, for my facial expressions which have a life of their own when I am displeased, and for the billions of questions I always feel bubbling inside me and occasionally get asked. But I will not apologize for being confused or for feeling like I am not respected. The role I have does not actually exist in the play. It is a mixture of four parts and it has changed from being a Concept role, to a sadist, to a Mary Poppins on crack, to a school marm undertaker, to an efficient mother, and now who knows what. So I think I am entitled to be a little confused. And I understand that I am supposed to make my own decisions about a role and that that is my job. But I think I should have a jumping off point so that I have some structure. I do not like feeling lost. And I get the feeling that I am not the only one in this cast who feels this. My mistake,in sum, has been caring entirely too much about what this guy thinks and placing way too much emphasis on this project as if it epitomizes my career. This is a blip on my radar, people. Perspective. Must keep that in mind. ...but I never like feeling like I'm shite. And I never like feeling like my best is not good enough. I have felt both these things. And I hate that I am tempted to settle for luke warm characterization. I deserve better than that. And so does my cast. So. I am using these next three weeks to complete my rather large "To Do" list, but also to do some serious jesus-prayin' that I find a way to put whatever bitterness I have aside so that I can walk back into that rehearsal room after break, refreshed, open, and not with an impulse to flip the bird every two seconds. That is my goal. It's gonna take a lot of prayin.'
Anyway. Last Saturday I managed to go to Oran Mor (an old cathedral that was converted into a pub and theatre) for A Play, Pie, and a Pint. Which is exactly what it sounds like. You get to watch a play while enjoying a pint and meat pie. I've given up drinking for the next couple of weeks so I stuck with diet coke, but it was fine because I really enjoyed the show. Then we went to a pub to watch my first Rugby match (Scotland v Ireland). I lasted about 90 minutes before I realized I was falling asleep. It wasn't boring! I swear! But my body has been crashing from all the excess work. Sometimes you never realize how tired you are until you stop moving and thinking. So I spent all Sunday watching a marathon of True Blood and sleeping.
Monday was my first costume fitting for Duchess of Malfi. It was what it was. Some of the decisions made have helped me get an idea of where my character is actually supposed to go so it was useful. It's funny when you've got a picture of who you think you are in your head, then you put on the clothing options and realize...wow...I've been so wrong. So THIS is where you want me to go with it!
I also spent the morning with AK and KS watching them take headshots. I always love a good photo shoot.
Tuesday was the audition for As You Like It for the Bard in the Botanics. Basically it's a summer festival where you perform Shakespeare outside in the botanical gardens. This year they were looking for Phoebe and also two male parts. The audition was fine. I find if I got through the monologue and gave it my best shot, then it was a success. We don't find out for a week or so but I am fine either way. Either I get it, or I am taking a trip to Malta. It's a WIN-WIN.
I also had a meeting with the head of opera at RCS with a few of my other cohort members. He is putting on a sort of benefit dinner in Edinburgh to promote the RCS and help gain scholarship funds and the theme is Shakespeare. I was asked to perform a few Sonnets for the evening. Pretty neat, they feed us and everythin'. :)
Tuesday night was our cohort's (a tradition now, I think) Brinner night. Breakfast for dinner to celebrate the end of our term. I brought breakfast burritos this time. It was many an hour of just sitting back, eating, and relaxing.
Wednesday was rehearsal for On the Verge with PB. As per usual, it was fun and inventive. Our assignment was to make a "mix tape" for our significant other in the project and find reasons behind each song. We've also been assigned an element (earth, fire, air, water) to work with so that we start to deviate from our actual selves in the improvs. My element is water and the more I study about it the more I'm like, "Ew." It's all about feelings and needs and shit. Sigh. Not that I don't have them. I can actually be quite emotional and needy. Which is why I keep a tight leash on stuff like that. It's hard for me to respect women who have an excess of that. Ok, that's sounds really bad. But I just keep picturing those women I see who are all over their guys like, "save me save me! I can't open this peanut butter jar and need your big stwong hands to hewp me. boo hoo hoo." But I just have to remember that my mother is a water person. And she's not like that. She's the most feeling person I know. But it's not neediness. It's empathy. It's those kinds of people that when they love, they love big. Which is scary for me to think about doing. These people are the bravest because it's more important to love someone then to worry about being rejected. This also makes them incredibly sensitive as well. It will be an interesting challenge. Let's see if I chicken out. Bets, anyone?
Today was my last costume fitting of the week. This time for my appearance as a whore in Measure for Measure. I am SOOOOO glad I've been going to the gym, because wowzers. We're talking tacky strappy blue heels, fishnet stockings, stretchy animal print short skirt, open teal lace up corset-ish thing with only a black bra underneath, blue synthetic bob wig, red fishnet gloves, pimp daddy dollar sign ring, large light blue hoop earrings from the 80s, and a feather boa. uh whuuuuuuuuuuuuuh? Baby boo boo honey child, I am gooooooooood lookin'. It is certainly a side of me that many have not seen before. But I am actually, as of now, fairly comfortable in it. But I will certainly not be slacking off on the treadmill over the next six weeks.
Well, that about wraps it up. I have hair modeling tomorrow at BBC Scotland. They are doing master classes for period hair from the 1900s to present. The lady in charge of it is Academy Award winning I think. She may have done the hair for Sense and Sensibility if I remember correctly. So that will be fun, I hope. But it's an early morning so off to beddy bye, I go.
Thinking of you x
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Mary Poppins takes down a 6 ft man.
The days get stranger and stranger.
This morning began with an intense yoga session. Followed by a military boot camp taught by two members of our programme who have knowledge of both the US Army and the Russian Army. ...I'm effing tired. But it was definitely an education. Yelling "Yes, Sergeant!" and dropping and giving 20 push ups every time someone screwed up a drill. Marching, standing at attention, saluting, about face, sit ups, mock raiding and assassinating the enemy, and doing a couple truly awful exercises. I was definitely not born to be in the military. But I did fairly well and would not have shamed my militial relatives. The director even said, "you did that rather well. It was like who you were completely disappeared." In truth, I reeeeeally hate it when people yell at me. And humiliation is a tactic that has never worked well. But it helped to make us all understand the military background of the play we are creating and the type of discipline that we need when creating certain rituals that will pertain to the world of Malfi.
The afternoon was a continuation of the mind numbing script text analysis. We are ALMOST finished. And Pete decided to take things in a different way and put a lot of it on its feet right away. One scene that I am in requires me to sedate and beat a 6ft fit man. Right. Pete has requested that I am now a sadist and am prone to severe violence. I do the dirty work myself.
But he didnt tell me how to do it. There was one point where I looked over to Pete for help because I was looking up at this guy from my 5'2" stature and wondering how the hell I was supposed to take him down. Pete gave me nothing. Ok... So ran at him, jumped, reached for his neck, and shoved him down towards the ground, then grabbed the back of his hair, yanked his head up, and threatened him. Now, did said 6footer help me out a little? Absolutely. But still, he went down.
I constantly felt a bit rubbish though because I really hate doing any sort of physical altercation without a proper fight coordinator. Yes, he's a big guy, but it doesn't mean I won't hurt him or push him over his comfort line. I think he was fine with it but I've never been able to really read this one so I'm not sure. I kept thinking "why isn't Pete stopping this?" But we pushed through.
Pete also decided that my character will have a British accent. Uh-huh. Something to the effect of Mary Poppins. I think I'm going to go for more of a Maria Von Trapp on crack.
This character has gone from concept to normal nobody, to sadist all in two weeks. But I'm glad that I finally feel like I have something to work with and somewhere to go. It's just a bit frightening to see how far Pete wants to push this. I think it's probably going to get quite sick. Which...could be fun. I will say, I may not say much, but I don't think many will forget what I do. oof.
And tonight, my homework is to plan what kinds of punishments my doctor role would give out to the madmen. Such as lashes with a riding crop, making one of them volunteer their hand so I can smash their fingers underneath my heel, burning them with a cigarette butt to the ear, straight jackets and restraints, and also training them to cower in fear everytime they hear me ring a bell or click one of those dog training clickers. Should be interesting...
Two more days of rehearsal and it's pretty much Spring Break. I'm ready for the rest but I'm petrified at how fast this year is going. But as Dory says, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming. What do we do? We swim..."
Thinking of you x
This morning began with an intense yoga session. Followed by a military boot camp taught by two members of our programme who have knowledge of both the US Army and the Russian Army. ...I'm effing tired. But it was definitely an education. Yelling "Yes, Sergeant!" and dropping and giving 20 push ups every time someone screwed up a drill. Marching, standing at attention, saluting, about face, sit ups, mock raiding and assassinating the enemy, and doing a couple truly awful exercises. I was definitely not born to be in the military. But I did fairly well and would not have shamed my militial relatives. The director even said, "you did that rather well. It was like who you were completely disappeared." In truth, I reeeeeally hate it when people yell at me. And humiliation is a tactic that has never worked well. But it helped to make us all understand the military background of the play we are creating and the type of discipline that we need when creating certain rituals that will pertain to the world of Malfi.
The afternoon was a continuation of the mind numbing script text analysis. We are ALMOST finished. And Pete decided to take things in a different way and put a lot of it on its feet right away. One scene that I am in requires me to sedate and beat a 6ft fit man. Right. Pete has requested that I am now a sadist and am prone to severe violence. I do the dirty work myself.
But he didnt tell me how to do it. There was one point where I looked over to Pete for help because I was looking up at this guy from my 5'2" stature and wondering how the hell I was supposed to take him down. Pete gave me nothing. Ok... So ran at him, jumped, reached for his neck, and shoved him down towards the ground, then grabbed the back of his hair, yanked his head up, and threatened him. Now, did said 6footer help me out a little? Absolutely. But still, he went down.
I constantly felt a bit rubbish though because I really hate doing any sort of physical altercation without a proper fight coordinator. Yes, he's a big guy, but it doesn't mean I won't hurt him or push him over his comfort line. I think he was fine with it but I've never been able to really read this one so I'm not sure. I kept thinking "why isn't Pete stopping this?" But we pushed through.
Pete also decided that my character will have a British accent. Uh-huh. Something to the effect of Mary Poppins. I think I'm going to go for more of a Maria Von Trapp on crack.
This character has gone from concept to normal nobody, to sadist all in two weeks. But I'm glad that I finally feel like I have something to work with and somewhere to go. It's just a bit frightening to see how far Pete wants to push this. I think it's probably going to get quite sick. Which...could be fun. I will say, I may not say much, but I don't think many will forget what I do. oof.
And tonight, my homework is to plan what kinds of punishments my doctor role would give out to the madmen. Such as lashes with a riding crop, making one of them volunteer their hand so I can smash their fingers underneath my heel, burning them with a cigarette butt to the ear, straight jackets and restraints, and also training them to cower in fear everytime they hear me ring a bell or click one of those dog training clickers. Should be interesting...
Two more days of rehearsal and it's pretty much Spring Break. I'm ready for the rest but I'm petrified at how fast this year is going. But as Dory says, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming. What do we do? We swim..."
Thinking of you x
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Whore-ing 101 and being Nurse Ratched.
Yeah, you heard me. I said whore-ing. For those of you who experienced most of my AMDA days in which I sang mostly prostitute songs, you'll be overjoyed to hear that once again, I'll be reprising the role of harlot. As you know, our cohort has been divided in two; one to Duchess of Malfi and one to Measure for Measure. However, some side characters are needed as fillers in order to help build atmosphere. Measure for Measure needed some loose women. I'm so glad I could come to the rescue and provide my talents.
So this morning, at 9am, we joined their rehearsal for some provocative dancing, catwalk walking, lap dances, and crawling around on all fours (that was not required, but I improvised...). Certainly makes me wonder what normal people do on their Tuesday mornings. I was actually quite proud of how I committed to it. Even went after a couple of the girls. Lol. And I think I certainly made a couple of the boys' days.
Following that, I went back into rehearsal with the Duchess crowd. Another afternoon of mind numbing text dissection. But we got to the portion of the text where I run the insane asylum and taunt the Duchess. I had not formed any idea of how I was to play this character but as we've gone along, the director kept throwing more and more descriptions at me. "She's become cruel. She's Nurse Ratched." ...ok...so... the role has turned into me being like a ringleader at a circus, only incredibly dark. I've trained these mad people like dogs, rewarding them with treats when they perform well, and punishing them when they don't. Only the rewards are sickening and the punishments are severe beatings. I literally beat one of the characters on stage. Pete (director) wants it to be the sort where you get quite uncomfortable with the violence of it. ...ok. In some ways it will be challenging and fun to choreograph the "show" I put on with them. But in some ways disturbing. To have to look at these people as if they are science projects and lab rats. To look at patients as if they are amusing objects to make dance at the clap of the hand. Then again...with my medical past, I know exactly how that feels. So it's just a matter of becoming those that I hated. The false compassion. The excitement in their eyes when they see you as a puzzle they can try to put together. And then discard you when they realize they've lost the last piece.
Another small eentsy teentsy disappointment is I find I'm playing more of the same. Whore and Dominatrix. Power and Cruelty. Vengeance and Aggression. It sometimes makes me wonder if 1. I give that off and that's why I get the parts I get. Or 2. If I can play something softer. Or 3. Do I want to be this way? That's the exhausting thing about being an actor. You constantly have to look at yourself, both inside and out, and evaluate everything you see. Sometimes I wish (and sometimes I do) I could tune it all out, watch a movie, read a book, go to the seaside, spend a whole day in silence, just so I don't have to deal with myself. I think I may schedule a few of those things in for the next break that starts in a week.
After Duchess rehearsal was On the Verge rehearsal. This time it was only director PB, JS, and I for the session. I always seem to go into these session exhausted, but then leave them feeling creative and reenergized. Today we focused on JS and my relationship. We are an engaged couple of two years and in order to build a back story, we did some unexpected improvisations. In one, we each took ten post-its and wrote things we (our characters "Josh" and "Anna"- or "Joshanna" as JS calls them) loved about each other. They could be physical, situational, characteristic, etc. Then we'd hide them around the rooms of our "apartment" for each of us to find. PB then filmed us as we found and read them to ourselves silently. How we reacted and experiencing how that little piece of paper made us feel. For me, it's so important to build that comfort level with someone. But once I do, it's very natural. As AK in our group has found out, I'm not a huge hugger until I trust and love you but then I can be quite affectionate to my friends. Fiercely so because it's based in loyalty. So for me it's just a matter of speeding up that process with JS. We do have excellent banter and basic chemistry when it comes to fun and relaxed which will help out immensely. And the post-its helped to make some things specific. Which is what I think is missing for me.
Our last improv was the most unexpected and yet the most useful for me. PB took us to a pub, bought us diet cokes, and said that we would have to have a date (pretending it was early in our friendship/relationship when things start to turn romantic) in public. For a little over a half an hour, Joshanna had one of their first dates. It's fascinating to see how each of us blurred the lines of reality in our stories and topics. Because there is no script, we base some things on fact and then run with it.
It's a new way of working. Building memories to pull from later. I just keep thinking that this will be good to draw on when we are "fighting" in the performance. If I reference a conversation we had on our "first date," it will be an actual memory which means less work in the actual show. I won't have to keep tabs on all the stuff I make up on the spot because the real memories will already be there.
Either way, this has been my favorite project so far and I am always excited to see where it goes.
Alright. I'm about to fall asleep typing this and have yoga early in the morning. So goodnight, friends.
Thinking of you x
So this morning, at 9am, we joined their rehearsal for some provocative dancing, catwalk walking, lap dances, and crawling around on all fours (that was not required, but I improvised...). Certainly makes me wonder what normal people do on their Tuesday mornings. I was actually quite proud of how I committed to it. Even went after a couple of the girls. Lol. And I think I certainly made a couple of the boys' days.
Following that, I went back into rehearsal with the Duchess crowd. Another afternoon of mind numbing text dissection. But we got to the portion of the text where I run the insane asylum and taunt the Duchess. I had not formed any idea of how I was to play this character but as we've gone along, the director kept throwing more and more descriptions at me. "She's become cruel. She's Nurse Ratched." ...ok...so... the role has turned into me being like a ringleader at a circus, only incredibly dark. I've trained these mad people like dogs, rewarding them with treats when they perform well, and punishing them when they don't. Only the rewards are sickening and the punishments are severe beatings. I literally beat one of the characters on stage. Pete (director) wants it to be the sort where you get quite uncomfortable with the violence of it. ...ok. In some ways it will be challenging and fun to choreograph the "show" I put on with them. But in some ways disturbing. To have to look at these people as if they are science projects and lab rats. To look at patients as if they are amusing objects to make dance at the clap of the hand. Then again...with my medical past, I know exactly how that feels. So it's just a matter of becoming those that I hated. The false compassion. The excitement in their eyes when they see you as a puzzle they can try to put together. And then discard you when they realize they've lost the last piece.
Another small eentsy teentsy disappointment is I find I'm playing more of the same. Whore and Dominatrix. Power and Cruelty. Vengeance and Aggression. It sometimes makes me wonder if 1. I give that off and that's why I get the parts I get. Or 2. If I can play something softer. Or 3. Do I want to be this way? That's the exhausting thing about being an actor. You constantly have to look at yourself, both inside and out, and evaluate everything you see. Sometimes I wish (and sometimes I do) I could tune it all out, watch a movie, read a book, go to the seaside, spend a whole day in silence, just so I don't have to deal with myself. I think I may schedule a few of those things in for the next break that starts in a week.
After Duchess rehearsal was On the Verge rehearsal. This time it was only director PB, JS, and I for the session. I always seem to go into these session exhausted, but then leave them feeling creative and reenergized. Today we focused on JS and my relationship. We are an engaged couple of two years and in order to build a back story, we did some unexpected improvisations. In one, we each took ten post-its and wrote things we (our characters "Josh" and "Anna"- or "Joshanna" as JS calls them) loved about each other. They could be physical, situational, characteristic, etc. Then we'd hide them around the rooms of our "apartment" for each of us to find. PB then filmed us as we found and read them to ourselves silently. How we reacted and experiencing how that little piece of paper made us feel. For me, it's so important to build that comfort level with someone. But once I do, it's very natural. As AK in our group has found out, I'm not a huge hugger until I trust and love you but then I can be quite affectionate to my friends. Fiercely so because it's based in loyalty. So for me it's just a matter of speeding up that process with JS. We do have excellent banter and basic chemistry when it comes to fun and relaxed which will help out immensely. And the post-its helped to make some things specific. Which is what I think is missing for me.
Our last improv was the most unexpected and yet the most useful for me. PB took us to a pub, bought us diet cokes, and said that we would have to have a date (pretending it was early in our friendship/relationship when things start to turn romantic) in public. For a little over a half an hour, Joshanna had one of their first dates. It's fascinating to see how each of us blurred the lines of reality in our stories and topics. Because there is no script, we base some things on fact and then run with it.
It's a new way of working. Building memories to pull from later. I just keep thinking that this will be good to draw on when we are "fighting" in the performance. If I reference a conversation we had on our "first date," it will be an actual memory which means less work in the actual show. I won't have to keep tabs on all the stuff I make up on the spot because the real memories will already be there.
Either way, this has been my favorite project so far and I am always excited to see where it goes.
Alright. I'm about to fall asleep typing this and have yoga early in the morning. So goodnight, friends.
Thinking of you x
Sunday, March 4, 2012
The Ice Queen Cometh.
It was one of those weeks that felt like it would never end and that one day seemed to seep into the next.
Basically it was a whole week of Duchess of Malfi rehearsals in which we sat around a table, going line by line through the text, and defining every word and event. Eight hours a day of heated debates and questions with no answers. It was mind numbing. And yet, necessary. Pete (director) has a way of wanting everyone to have an opinion and for everyone to think for themselves. This is good in that we all know everyone's roles, we all agree on the world we created, and we all feel a part of the process. However, that also leaves our group with a lack of focus, a restlessness, and moments of utmost frustration.
I have managed to get a slightly stronger grasp on my character which is a plus. It went from me playing a conceptual role, to me playing four roles, to now playing those four roles as if it were just one person. It's difficult to feel your way through a part that has never existed before. And even tougher to not be able to ask questions from your director. It isn't that he isn't receptive, but it's more that he doesn't have the answers. On purpose. Pete has the utmost faith that he'll come up with the answers (or rather, I will), but he doesn't quite know how. The unknown, as many of you know, makes me want to claw my own eyes out. But I am getting used to bumping around blindly and praying I find a light switch eventually. It has also been tough for me to sit still and have nothing to do for much of the process. It will be a bit of a relief when we get into active rehearsals and I can actually work on something.
We do manage to do a few exercises here and their that have been interesting. One of them being a sort of molding exercise. Five people lie on the floor with eyes closed. Five others enter the room and then mold your body into movements and shapes that create a line of text from the show. Someone will whisper into your ear either "passive" "semi passive" or "active." Passive means your body goes completely limp on the floor and is nothing but dead weight. Semi passive is when they move your body and you retain the shape they just put you in. Active is if they give you a shove, you keep moving in the way that they moved you. Through these three phases, we create a picture of part of the text. All still with the molded person's eyes closed.
We've also revisited the Archetypes again. Slightly different from the Glynn-duh of the Globe, we deal with the King, the Innocent, the Mother, the Fool, the Hero, and the Trickster. By combining two from the list, we can kick start a character's inner life/struggle. Many of us are more than one of these and it's the combination that makes us unique. LM is very much the Hero/Trickster. I am the King/Mother. AK is the Innocent/Mother. It's fascinating to identify those around you and then put them into your character. Trying each on like they are a pair of shoes.
Wednesday was an extremely long day that began with yoga which was wonderful. Then another eight hours of painful textual analysis. Then On the Verge rehearsals again with Phil et al. I think we were all burnt out by the time we started Verge rehearsals but by the end, we all perked up a bit. I find that when I work with these people, they reenergize me. The type of work we are doing is very much a naturalism through improv. And I really really like it. It's honest and it's fun. And I love working with people who give so much. It really redeemed the entire day. It's funny also to know that the director, even on his most disorganized day, is still ten times more on the ball than almost any director I've worked with. The guy is certainly in the right business.
I've also spent the last week working on some vocal and flute pieces. We are supposed to present some musical suggestions to Pete this coming Thursday. So strange how it freaks me out more to sing and play for the class than it ever did being on the Globe stage, for instance. I really don't understand myself sometimes.
On Friday we started the day with a four square battle between casts. We Malfians got our butts handed to us. But I had a good time. I forget sometimes that I was brought up to be competitive until we play. And then the flashbacks of all the sports I played growing up hit me. I was never very good at sports. Kevin (my brother) was always the athletic one. But we both really were brought up to win. It never occurred to me that people were brought up any other way. After going to drinks with AK afterwards and hearing how she has never had that drive, I realize that people are sometimes more sensitive to others when playing. It's good to see that other side. To be aware that for some people, playing is not about the end game. For me, it has always been: you play to win. I guess that's why they call me the Ice Queen. Meh, I've been called worse.
I've never been more grateful for the weekend. However this one has gone by WAY too fast. Saturday night we had a well earned girl's night out. Drinks (many) at Angie's followed by much dancing at the club Garage. It was nice to get dressed up, drink a large amount of Jameson, and do a little step touch. But man do I wish I had an extra day to recover. Well worth the pain though.
This is the first time I've reached a Sunday night and not looked forward to the Monday. I just hope I'm dreading it for no reason. Who knows, it could be the best week ever. ...yeah.
Basically it was a whole week of Duchess of Malfi rehearsals in which we sat around a table, going line by line through the text, and defining every word and event. Eight hours a day of heated debates and questions with no answers. It was mind numbing. And yet, necessary. Pete (director) has a way of wanting everyone to have an opinion and for everyone to think for themselves. This is good in that we all know everyone's roles, we all agree on the world we created, and we all feel a part of the process. However, that also leaves our group with a lack of focus, a restlessness, and moments of utmost frustration.
I have managed to get a slightly stronger grasp on my character which is a plus. It went from me playing a conceptual role, to me playing four roles, to now playing those four roles as if it were just one person. It's difficult to feel your way through a part that has never existed before. And even tougher to not be able to ask questions from your director. It isn't that he isn't receptive, but it's more that he doesn't have the answers. On purpose. Pete has the utmost faith that he'll come up with the answers (or rather, I will), but he doesn't quite know how. The unknown, as many of you know, makes me want to claw my own eyes out. But I am getting used to bumping around blindly and praying I find a light switch eventually. It has also been tough for me to sit still and have nothing to do for much of the process. It will be a bit of a relief when we get into active rehearsals and I can actually work on something.
We do manage to do a few exercises here and their that have been interesting. One of them being a sort of molding exercise. Five people lie on the floor with eyes closed. Five others enter the room and then mold your body into movements and shapes that create a line of text from the show. Someone will whisper into your ear either "passive" "semi passive" or "active." Passive means your body goes completely limp on the floor and is nothing but dead weight. Semi passive is when they move your body and you retain the shape they just put you in. Active is if they give you a shove, you keep moving in the way that they moved you. Through these three phases, we create a picture of part of the text. All still with the molded person's eyes closed.
We've also revisited the Archetypes again. Slightly different from the Glynn-duh of the Globe, we deal with the King, the Innocent, the Mother, the Fool, the Hero, and the Trickster. By combining two from the list, we can kick start a character's inner life/struggle. Many of us are more than one of these and it's the combination that makes us unique. LM is very much the Hero/Trickster. I am the King/Mother. AK is the Innocent/Mother. It's fascinating to identify those around you and then put them into your character. Trying each on like they are a pair of shoes.
Wednesday was an extremely long day that began with yoga which was wonderful. Then another eight hours of painful textual analysis. Then On the Verge rehearsals again with Phil et al. I think we were all burnt out by the time we started Verge rehearsals but by the end, we all perked up a bit. I find that when I work with these people, they reenergize me. The type of work we are doing is very much a naturalism through improv. And I really really like it. It's honest and it's fun. And I love working with people who give so much. It really redeemed the entire day. It's funny also to know that the director, even on his most disorganized day, is still ten times more on the ball than almost any director I've worked with. The guy is certainly in the right business.
I've also spent the last week working on some vocal and flute pieces. We are supposed to present some musical suggestions to Pete this coming Thursday. So strange how it freaks me out more to sing and play for the class than it ever did being on the Globe stage, for instance. I really don't understand myself sometimes.
On Friday we started the day with a four square battle between casts. We Malfians got our butts handed to us. But I had a good time. I forget sometimes that I was brought up to be competitive until we play. And then the flashbacks of all the sports I played growing up hit me. I was never very good at sports. Kevin (my brother) was always the athletic one. But we both really were brought up to win. It never occurred to me that people were brought up any other way. After going to drinks with AK afterwards and hearing how she has never had that drive, I realize that people are sometimes more sensitive to others when playing. It's good to see that other side. To be aware that for some people, playing is not about the end game. For me, it has always been: you play to win. I guess that's why they call me the Ice Queen. Meh, I've been called worse.
I've never been more grateful for the weekend. However this one has gone by WAY too fast. Saturday night we had a well earned girl's night out. Drinks (many) at Angie's followed by much dancing at the club Garage. It was nice to get dressed up, drink a large amount of Jameson, and do a little step touch. But man do I wish I had an extra day to recover. Well worth the pain though.
This is the first time I've reached a Sunday night and not looked forward to the Monday. I just hope I'm dreading it for no reason. Who knows, it could be the best week ever. ...yeah.
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