Ok. So it wasn't the greatest of days...I cringe a bit to tell you about it. I promised I'd be honest. And sometimes, honest isn't always pretty. And the trick is how to be honest without sounding like an ass...let's see if I can manage it.
Fred Astaire had his first screen test and this is what was said about him:
"Can't act. Can't sing. Balding. Can dance a little."
And look how far he got.
I remind myself of this everytime I feel like I've made a mistake by trying to be an actor. I remind myself of this because, as I've said before, this business is not fair. Sometimes your best isn't enough. Or sometimes, no matter what you give, it isn't what they're looking for.
The cast list for our renaissance piece went up. A project we will be working six weeks on in the late winter and the only large classical thing we do. I came here mostly to work on classics. And...well...let's just say the casting didn't go as I had hoped for myself. And I'm struggling to think of Astaire.
It's sad to think that one silly show can make you reevaluate whatever course you are on. It's weak to let the decision of two directors make you lose even an inkling of faith in yourself. But it happens.
I have been doing well. I have been working hard. I have done my best to be as generous as possible. And, my friends, today it was not enough. It was not what they wanted. And despite my best efforts, I cannot help but ask why.
However, thinking how I could have done better will only poison whatever good I've had here. And there has been a LOT of good. I am a good actor. Not despite my defects and flaws both internally and externally, but for them in tandem with my strengths. I will allow myself the disappointment, but then I will move the eff on. Because for whatever reason, these are the cards I'm meant to play. And therefore I will play the best damn hand you've ever seen. I will be happy and proud of the rest of my cohort. I AM happy for them, incredibly so. And I will support them. I will let this go. Because I refuse to be one of those actors that whines and bitches about where she Thinks she should be. And who knows? Maybe this role will turn into the best I've ever done. It could happen. The first show I ever did I stole the show...and I was passed out for most of it.
But I find I was a bit blind sided this time. So for tonight, I'm going to be disappointed.
I think what I dread the most is the pity, for lack of a better word. Somehow it makes it worse. But I know very well it comes from love and genuine concern.
In other news, and oh yes the day just wasn't one of my best, I had probably the largest panic attack yet. This morning was fine but we had another voice session that concentrates on deep breathing. Well...my body didn't like that much. By end of class I was hiding tears and had the worst chest pain throughout the day. I'm thinking it's time to see someone about it. Sigh.
I ended the week of classes with the brilliant Rona Munro though. This process of working with her and director PB and group has been truly wonderful. Despite whatever ailments I've been annoyingly going through, I have felt creative and inspired and had many laughs. So thank you: LM, AK, SM, AL, NB, KT.
And that pretty much concludes Term 1 of grad school. Next week is just a few tutorials and meetings and that's it. Hopefully I'll rest up and play a bit and enjoy the chill in the air. It may sound like a bit of a low note to end on, but truly this has been one of the best experiences of my life. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.
Thinking of you x
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