There are little mongrels, demons if you will, trolling around an actor's head. Actually, I'm fairly certain they troll around everyone's head. But I find that actors are the most inflicted due to the fact that they have to deal with themselves all the friggin' time. These demons tend to pray on those that are most sensitive and with the most potential. They are as follows:
Demon #1 & #2 (Twins): Insecurity and LFA.
Insecurity (AKA totalus doubticus) is a rather short fat fugly demon that is of a yellow mucus color. Androgenous and of a jealous disposition, it attacks you right before you go on stage and often is that voice you hear in your head that says you are not good enough or that you are unable to do what is asked of you. If encountered regularly and not exorcised properly and consistantly, said demon will consume your talent, upon which it feeds, and leave you with no will to continue to follow your dreams.
LFA (AKA Lookereth foreth Approvaleth) is the whorish sister of Insecurity that is slimy in texture and of a transparent nature. You can see right through her. She shows up right after you've finished your show. Even though you may have a conscience that pats you on your back and says "well done", LFA is a much louder stereophonic voice that says, "I need to be told, verbally and physically, how absolutely awesome I am. Or I will die." She lies. No one ever dies from LFA. But they do tend to lose respect from the very sources that they seek approval. She feeds on empty promises and compliments and is never satiated. The more you feed her, the emptier you will feel. Until you are left not believing anything anyone says and are unsure of what is lie and what is truth.
Demon #3: The Nowwat.
Nowwat is the demon that comes in the form of non-theatre based voices. Those in your life who do not believe Acting can sustain you in a career. They are those that after you complete a project, show, or educational programme, ask "Now what?" "What's next for you?" "What are you going to do now?" This demon has tentacles with suction cups attached. They detach themselves from those non theatre voices and leap onto your own tongue. Soon you start speaking with this demon's voice yourself. "Now what am I going to do?" "What am I doing with my life?" Treatment for this little asshole is, for me, a litre of faith, a good night's sleep, and a new pair of shoes. These are quick fixes, of course. The larger treatment would be to take baby steps, focusing on the Now. If you look too far forward, the Nowwat ties your tongue, gives you a panic attack, and then (in really bad cases) paralyzes you.
Demon #4: Shouldawouldacoulda
The Shouldawouldacoulda (SWC) is my mother's least favorite demon. Because I constantly remind her that he's there. SWC is a male larva that hides in your hair and makes your scalp itch. He causes you to yank on your hair in frustration while thinking about all the things you should have done, would have done, or could have done. This demon is a distant cousin to the "Ifonly" monster who lives in the realm of regret. Both of these bastards are powerless unless you give them attention. Things that should have happened...didn't. If they were supposed to happen...they would have. And sure, you COULD have done something. But you didn't. You made the decision to NOT do said thing in place of another. Accept the decision and let it go. Easier said than done. SWC often shows up right after making a decision concerning whether to take a job or not, whether you should break up with someone or not, or where to move after graduation.
So there they are. There are billions of these beetle-like demons. But these are the ones that often haunt me. I'd say I've done quite well this year in keeping most at bay. But most recently, I find Demons #2 and #3 are gnawing at the back of my neck. #2 has me looking for approval from a select few people which can be even more dangerous than wanting it from the masses. Because it gives power and control to others which opens you up to hurt and makes you less likely to be able to focus on your job. If you are worrying about whether someone likes you or if they think you are doing a good job, then you aren't actually doing a good job. FOCUS, Stacy Lynn. #3 is looming its head because it's almost June and that means in less than four months I'll be back in the US with no job, no home, no theatre support group, no europe, and no idea what is coming next. You would think that since I've been in this situation quite a few times in the last decade that it would get easier. No friends. It does not. In some ways it's a bit harder. Because the SWC monster that says "You should be [insert normal standard sign of success here] by now" is speaking just a little bit louder and it takes a little more effort to drown him out. But I do drown him out.
It has been a very long time since I've told myself that I'm not enough. At least by acting standards. And I have enough faith in myself to know that I'm going to be just fine after this. It's just terrifying. Because I want to be more than mediocre and good. I want to be great. And be paid for it. And I still have a while to go.
As for needing approval from certain people...it'll pass. I approve of myself. And it's enough. Or at least it is when I'm not being a stupid hypersensitive little girl.
As for present life. My five days off were glorious. I was emotional when I wanted to be. I was alone when I wanted to be. I was with friends when I wanted to be. Sometimes it's just nice to have the choice. I saw a couple of movies, I got sun tanned at the park (the weather has since returned to its usual gray and chill but i dont mind it feels like home) and I continued my running at the gym. I do a 10:45 mile (down from a 12:45 mile two weeks ago) and a 38:45 5K (down from a 47 minute last month). And while I still bounce around emotionally, I'm good. Really good. Because I feel like I'm doing something with my life. And that something is what I WANT to do. How many people can say that, I ask you?
I have to admit though. I've had a few moments of missing parts of the past. I'm missing Stage managing at amda with Lizz, Dang, and Keon. And Andy's deli tuna melts or egg sandwiches being delivered to us by bike messenger in Central Park. I miss Faith's family dinners and Thurston's made up songs. Broadway shows, outdoor movies, and kayaking. My mom and I drinking wine while playing Hand and Foot or swinging on the deck swing as the sun goes down. Watching Jeopardy with my dad after a steak dinner. Tap dancing on subway platforms with Pauli. Ladies who lunch at the New Leaf cafe with Nessa. Queso and big hair night at Johanna's. Opera and Movies with Carolyn and Anthony. I miss things being open at all hours of the night. Priscilla and Megalicious hugs. Going to sleep in cool sheets and waking up to coffee that was on a timer. I miss a dishwasher and my own kitchen. Scratch that. I've never had my own kitchen. But I sure would like one. I miss my cousin Tillie and how she makes me take myself waaaaaaaaaay less seriously. And my niece and nephew, it kills me that I'm missing their birthdays yet again. And I miss my brother. I miss being able to sit next to him on a couch and not have to say anything other than "it's my turn" when we're playing the wii or xbox. because though we are not the type who have deep heart to heart's all the time, we've always had an understanding. The kind of thing that only comes from two people who were brought up the same way.
But you can't be in two places at once, let alone a dozen. Which is where I'd have to be in order to have all these things in my life at once. And that's the way it is. And it's fine. More than fine. Because I am happy where I am and what's next can include any and all of these things. When we listen to the Nowwat monster, we so often forget that what's next could be even better and brighter. And there are still so many things I want to do. Will money or the lack thereof get in the way? Absolutely. But I'm going to learn to fence, ride a horse, play the guitar and cello (not at the same time), do a roadtrip of the South, see prague and paris (and do it right this time), keep fresh flowers in my house, learn to garden, to change a tire, to master a stick shift, to make an excellent caramel macchiato, and meditate. I've got lists of things I want to do and see and be.
So, Nowwat demon, I'ma tell you Now What. I got plans. So WHAT you can do NOW is sit. and rotate.
x
No comments:
Post a Comment