ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so much better. Things are on the mend, people. And thank, God. If you think I've been annoying you with my whining, double that and that's how much I've been annoying myself. I mean, really. Just...ew. But I have slapped myself with a nice dose of reality and perspective (with the help of some good friends and family) and am doing much better.
I'm still having the occasional tantrum and I still don't always want to be around people. But it is leveling out where I don't question my every thought and belief. Looking back on some of it now I just shake my head while turning red in the face at how much I've been resembling a screaming three year old in the children's aisle at Barnes and Noble who needs a nap and a spanking.
Anyway.
Summer, however temporary it may prove to be, has come to Glasgow. I think that has helped as well. I've seen the sun almost three days straight. It even smells like summer. And the beauty of living in Scotland is that it stays light out from 6am till 1030pm. I'm sure it's just the world's way of making it up to us for the winter of darkness where we had sun only until 3pm sometimes. But whatever the reason, it has been nice wearing a tank top and flip flops. And I also have the odd sensation of having the next five days off. Somehow scheduling just worked out that way and since I'm ridiculously anal, I finished all my term papers and prep work for the On the Verge project that now I have literally nothing to do. And it is times like these that you ask yourself...when was the last time I had nothing to do? And what the hell did I do with that free time? ...I have no idea.
I wish I had known earlier because I would have found a way to pop over to Ireland. As it is, I'm not sure if I can afford it but who knows when I'll make it back to europe again so I feel like I should just bite the bullet and do it. That's the thing, the end of this year is in sight. And I've got to start thinking about that to do list of things I want to see before I go. I want to go back to Culzean Castle in Ayr. I want to see Platform 9 3/4 at King's Cross (stop laughing at me. I know you all cried when Dobby died in the movie), and see a show on the Globe Stage as a groundling, and go to the Tate Gallery, and Harrods department store. I want to go to a ceilidh. I have a slight panicky feeling because there is SO much I want to see and I know very well that I'm going to spend the next ten years (at least) paying back loans for this year and working towards actually having a career that travelling is just not going to happen. Not unless I get reeeeeeeally lucky.
One thing I have to look forward to though is my trip with KS to Malta next month. Five days at the real blue lagoon. Oh. Pardon me while I tear up a bit out of pure joy. And this week's weather has been just a taste of that goodness. I love going to sleep with my window open and waking up slightly chilled. I love sitting outside at a cafe drinking iced coffee with my kindle (I've started reading The Portrait of Dorian Gray) and getting unattractive tan lines.
Don't get me wrong. I'm still having some bad moments of flash backs from Malfi, but for the most part I've let it go and I know I made the right decision in doing so. And the Verge project and the New Playwrights play are two projects that I can totally look forward to. The On the Verge piece has been pure freedom. I feel like I really do think for myself and have something to offer. Though at times I may offer a bit too much. But the director has been so good in letting things happen.
We had our reading of the New Playwrights piece which is the play we will tour with and will be our final project of the year. The play was good. Still a work in progress, but good. And a comedy. Which is something they've never let us do. Someone is always dying in the pieces we usually do. So it was a wonderful change. I don't know what part I am playing yet and won't know until July which is a bit of a bummer. But I have faith in the writer and this director so I am not worried.
Other than that, I am just trying to figure out how I want to fill my next days off. I know, I know. First world problems, eh? I'm thinking that with the exception of a few planned get togethers that I've already promised to friends, I should lie low. Spend less money. And figure out what it's like to be around myself. Could be a disaster. Then again, it's either that or clean my bathroom. And let's be real, I'm much better company than Mr. Clean.
thinking of you x
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