I spoke with my mentor not too long ago and he reminded me that whenever i have something important and highly sensitive to say, to always make sure that it is kind, constructive, and true. I keep going back and forth with whether or not i need to bring up the difficulties during the malfi rehearsal process to my dept head. It's over after all and it's time to move on. I will not be working with the people that I had issues with again for the most part. So does it really matter? Will it help anything? I have a scheduled meeting with our programme director next thursday but now I am feeling as though it may not be worth it. Do I feel like some of the things I experienced were wrong? Yes. I do. Do I feel like in some ways I was gypped in my education? Yes. I do. But will it help anything in any way by talking to someone who may or may not be listening? I really don't know. I could say, well they need to know so they can avoid this in the future. I could say, I have a right to stamp my foot and tell the truth of what really went down. But no matter how kindly I put things, or how true...would it be constructive? I'm not so sure.
I would hate to make things worse for myself. I would hate to keep holding on to this emotional crud. I would hate to be accused of using this tutorial as therapy (as I was today in my tutorial with monsieur le directeur de demon.) So. What is best?
I am finally feeling stronger and more rested. I've gotten my sense of humor back. And despite a turbulent tutorial with an array of good and bad feedback, as well as a moment of obtuse criticism and yet a few moments of praise- I am finding my way back to human. So. Do I really need to hold on to this for another week only to retell frustrations that no one can do anything about anymore? ...I suppose I've answered my own questions. I think I'll cancel my tutorial and wait for the end of term conference where I can mention off handedly (hopefully off handedly since I'll be three weeks removed from it) that some things went awry during the process. And I'll believe that my past work and my future work will speak for itself. No, I did not get glowing reviews (or even luke warm reviews) from the examination board for my performance. And that's fine. I don't plan on ever reading reviews about myself in the future and only know about these because the director had to read them to me. But I know what that project was, why it ate itself from the inside, and why I did not succeed to the best of my ability. So I'll write my stupid summative term paper. And I'll write what they want to hear (even though I'm chewing down bile the entire time). And then I'm going to leave this section of my life behind, remind myself that there will be other classical pieces that I will be in, and that once again, this was just a miniscule blip on the radar of my career. And it's time to let the mother f&^ker go.
Now. To bigger and better things. The On the Verge project is going well, I think. I'm fairly sure that I will, in fact, be singing in it and I think the idea is going to really work. Now, more than ever, I am so grateful for the people I am working with. It makes it easier for me to just plow through without asking myself "but will i look stupid?" It's the one thing I really hope to get over in the time I have left here. I am so aware and concerned with embarrassment that it stops the creative flow. Or at least slows it down. I hate it, but I just need to make a huge ass out of myself more. And then accept it.
I'll admit that I'm not fully recovered from last week so it's been a bit difficult getting into the right mind set for the Verge. And it touches on subjects that I usually avoid so I'm even more hesitant. We did a particular improv where each character explained their view on marriage and then sort of challenge each other. As I said before, my character believes that marriage is a given. It's just done and there is no doubt in her mind that she will get married and that it will be great. What I have surprisingly discovered is that there is still a part of me that is that hopeful and innocent. That truly wishes that things might work out for the better. That marriage could make things even better. To enhance a relationship. I don't know why that feeling is there. Or why that makes me feel silly to sort of believe it.
But that improv was agonizing for me. People throwing statistics and logistics, making marriage a sterile and clinical contract of legalities. Sucking out all the romance, tradition, and feelings out of it. Complicating it with words like "divorce rate" and "studies show". As myself, I completely understand those points and facts. But when I put myself in the position of someone who believes in marriage so fully but only based on belief and feelings and no hard facts, it was easy to feel attacked and stupid. It was like telling someone that you still believe in santa claus when you are 30. I dont, btw. It was like talking about politics or religion; something I rarely do. Because when you speak about something you believe, with people who dont...well there are no winners. And it hurts. Because I want to believe that something can be unpoisoned. That weddings and marriages are something that celebrates the fact that you dont have to go through life alone anymore- not just a piece of paper that binds you and strangles all your freedoms. And those other characters shat all over it.
I think feeling caged is a pressure we put on ourselves. But then again, I suppose that depends on the type of spouse you are. I'd like to think that I wouldnt need to be with my significant other 24/7. That if he wanted to go on a trip with the boys or have an outside hobby which I don't care for, that I'd be absolutely fine with it. Because frankly, I'd expect the same thing from him. I've never understood relationships where if you invite one person, the other person HAS to be there as well. But hey, I've not been in all that many relationships. So what do i know?
It's crazy how this process forces you to think "what exactly do I believe?" And I think it comes to this, JS said something to the effect of, "I believe in marriage. But I believe you can take the chance, get married, and if it doesn't work out, hey, you tried." And I kind of believe that as well. It should be hard to get into and even harder to get out of. But if you find someone who you want to try to beat the statistics with, I say do it. It's better than being the cat lady. And besides, I'm allergic to cats.
Anyway. This weekend is dedicated to writing those stupid- oh. I mean really really awesome- term papers. Then I can fully focus on this Verge project. And our first reading of our Playwright's script is on Tuesday. So only positivity and creativity to look forward to. Back on track.
Thinking of you x
No comments:
Post a Comment