Opening Nights and Looking Up.

Things are getting better.  And that's good.

When you are in a show, a stressful situation, when you are hypersensitive or over-emotional, or (like now) you are all of the above, it is difficult sometimes to tell the difference between what you really feel and what is just the tired talking.  It can be frustrating, not being able to trust your own feelings.  To have to constantly ask yourself, "Is that person being an asshole?  Or am I just too sensitive?  Was I too bitchy just then?  Is that person mad at me?"  When really, all the person did was say, "hi." 
Thus is how it has been for a few weeks now.  For all in the cast, I think. 
I have tried very hard to not bring that manic and exhausting energy into the dressing rooms this week for our shows.  Especially for the Measure cast.  Our Malfi problems have nothing to do with them and they deserve the respect and support and purity of vibes from all of us.  I hope I have been successful.

That being said, the shows have gone exceedingly well.  And I couldn't be prouder of all involved.  Wednesday brought the opening night for Measure for Measure.  I find their atmosphere to be fun.  FUN.  Imagine that.  And what's more, they are focused when they warm up.  Which helped me to be focused.  I enjoyed their show, both being a part of it and watching it.  And it's very hard to feel low when you are dressed up like a hooker and prancing around advancing on audience members.  So I left feeling ten times better than I had the day before. 

Thursday, I was dreading.  I didn't know what to expect from the director for our opening night.  We were called for a run through, a few technical changes, then dinner break and then performance.  When we got there, the director was incredibly upbeat as if nothing had happened.  He had a list of changes to the show, mostly cutting cues, transitions, and props.  He simplified things that should have been simplified ages ago.  And then gave notes to each of us.  Then we charged through a run through.  You could feel most of us waiting for the ugly other shoe to drop but it never came.  And though the run through was a bit rough around the edges, we left for our dinner break feeling like we may have a chance of pulling this off.

The pleasant thing was...we did.  We totally pulled it off.  With almost a full house, we collectively said to ourselves "eff it."  and hit the ground running.  And the show was the best we'd ever done.  It was alive, slightly dangerous, collective, and paced.  We worked with each other, took a few risks and artistic licenses, and plowed right through it.  As soon as we were off the stage from the curtain call, the girls went back to the dressing room and for a moment there we were dazed.  And then we squealed and hugged.  For me, it was in disbelief.  How the hell did we just pull that off?  I can't say all the angst has been worth it.  But I can say I am so unbelievably proud that we could put something worth seeing out there after what we've been through.  And I am so grateful to have been able to have such a great opening night.  I didn't realize how badly we needed to feel it.  Correction.  How badly I needed to feel it.
I know that we have to be careful now not to get into a second show slump, but I have faith that we can keep this momentum going.  Seeing as we are doing the shows in rep, we wont get another crack at Malfi until Monday which is a bit scary.  But who knows, maybe a step away from the show could be good for us.

Today brought a day off.  So a few friends and I went to have a day in Edinburgh.  We went to a few old bookshops and trinket stores.  I managed to pick up a small sparkly gift for my niece (and one for myself) as well as a handmade journal that I absolutely love.  We then went to see The Lieutenant of Inishmore at the Lyceum Theatre (the show I did my placement with).  It was nice to see a play that had nothing to do with being classical.  And it was also nice to see the finished product of a play that I saw in its early beginnings.  For the most part, it was a solid show.  But I found the technical side a bit distracting and the sound cues almost comical.  And the acting was at times a bit muggy.  I am only this critical because I've seen what they could do in rehearsals.  There were so many beautiful moments that just didn't happen on stage.  But I still enjoyed it very much, it was very funny,  and well directed.

After the show we went to a great italian restaurant and had brilliant food and almost three hours of conversation.  I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found a couple of people that I can decompress with.  It is so important to be able to tell somebody how you really and truly are. Even if it isn't the most uplifting of conversations.  You don't need to be fixed or advised. You just need to be heard.  And not judged.  And while I still very much feel the echoes of this past week, and I still need an epic cry, I feel much better for having said what has been on my mind.  I am very lucky to have them.

Now, for the next week, it is all about remaining focused, being "kind, constructive, and truthful" (thank you, Ray Virta), and positive.  Things are looking up.

x

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace...