Oops. I blinked and it's been over a week since I've last bothered to write. And now it's the second week of June. And the end of term 3 of my Masters. I don't understand how that happened. How can you feel like you've been in a place for forever but at the same time feeling like you've just arrived? One minute I'm screaming "Slow Down, Time!" and the next I'm counting the seconds until a day is over. I can't seem to find a balance.
Last Sunday I ran my first 5k run. This one was for cancer research and I never thought I'd ever enter anything like it, especially with the goal of actually RUNNING the sucker. And I managed to run around 4.5 of it and jogged or sped walked the rest. And I also managed to cut almost another two minutes off my time. It felt really good, despite the epically cold morning. I've always had a phobia of running and told myself that it was something that I just would never do. Growing up with P.E. teachers who gave up on me and the looks of pity from other more fit classmates, I just wrote it off as one of those things that just wasn't going to happen for me. And it just feels good to finish something.
This last week had been final rehearsals for On the Verge (our last performance was tonight). It's been a blur. Last minute changes threw me off a bit but it ended up turning the half impro/half scripted piece into a pretty good success. It was clear that many of our cohort had begun to reach their limit of exhaustion. We have been going non stop since the beginning of April and you could see the determined faces of some as they begged their minds and bodies to hold on just until this Friday.
I have been no exception. Emotionally I am still bouncing all over the place. Today being the roughest of days. I no longer ask myself for specifics. I just identify whether it's a good or bad day and then ride the wave the best I can. Compartmentalize the issues so that you can do your job and if at all possible, use whatever weakness you have for the part you are playing. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. If you can't get rid of it, use it. If you need a cry and a scream, work it in, or wait till after the show. And always remind yourself that emotions are part of the job. You will only suck at the job if you stifle the feelings. Also, that everything turns out ok in the end. If it isn't ok, it isn't the end.
But I'm exhausted. And I am counting down the days till Malta (10 days). Thank God it's already paid for.
I think it also doesn't help that I check my bank account...insert death march here. oof. Money is the rain on all parades. It is the poo that you step in when wearing your best shoes. It is the theatre critic who falls asleep at your debut. Money is the evil, the anxiety that puts a damper on all parties. But it is a fact. It is very real. And it is necessary. But ew. Just ew.
Anyway, back to On the Verge.
I am beyond proud of the work we put on. I saw almost all of the pieces my fellow mates (apologies to NB for missing your piece) put on and it was entertaining, quality, and exemplary. I saw many people in a new light as they stretched themselves in genres and projects that no one ever gave them a chance to perform in before.
One piece called "The Hollow" was a devised piece based off of a T.S. Eliot poem. A work in progress, it was designed in such a way that had layers of meaning through simplistic gestures. Visually beautiful and a nice stretch for the actors involved.
Another piece called "You Cannot Call it Love" was a mix of Hamlet and Barker. It was immersive as the four actors weaved themselves in and out of the audience who were sat on single chairs spread out along the stage. Beautiful staging and solid performances by AL, JS, MAR, and MM. MM had just the right amount of steel and cray cray. MAR had grotesque-ism down to an art. AL's Ophelia was like none I'd seen before and she had a manic vibe and desperation that totally worked. And JS, whom has never disappointed me in a performance, was completely "en pointe", charming, entertaining, and convincing.
"Love Songs" was a huge leap for KT, I thought. A piece that was 30 minutes of movement based story telling through a playlist. It was like a live music video. It wasn't dance. It was a relationship through body language.
"Taboo" was an improv show that pushed the boundaries of social acceptance. I admire these guys because it takes balls to do improv as well as use taboo subjects for your base. I am especially proud of AK and SM who I know were very new to this type of work and were exceptionally funny and quick.
And finally "Mr and Mrs Laughton". It was the last show I saw in the festival and it was by far the one that stuck in my mind. I am So very proud of MAR. He wrote/put it together and acted in it and I knew that it was a project that was very close to his heart. There were times that he was tempted to abandon the project but I can't tell you how glad I am that he stuck with it. It was funny, heart breaking, clever, and I wished it was full length. He was at his very best. If there was ever a role to showcase what MAR can do, I thought it was this one. He is unpredictable and forceful and fragile. And it was worth the price of admission and more. Good. On. You, sir.
As for ours, "A Million Hearts in Stereo" went very very well. The first night being the absolute best and ideal. Forty five people came and we put on a crap wedding party interspersed with monologues and impro. The atmosphere was electric and everything just clicked. It was a total high in that it really felt like a real wedding reception. The people were receptive, they played along, and it was full enough not to make anyone feel too singled out or uncomfortable. It also made our job so much easier in that we did not have to feel the pressure of filling the space on our own. (The bar and alcohol supply didn't hurt either). For the most part, we received hugely positive reviews and I felt it was a great success.
Then there was tonight's performance....
yeah...
well...
what can ya do?
Since my research paper is based on building atmosphere, I'd say this second night was a huge lesson in what works and what doesn't. Our audience size was about ten. Ten people in a room that could hold easily over 100. AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! It's ok to giggle. It was almost comical when it wasn't painful. But there you go. Some atmospheres are based on the number of people but some are based on the moods of those people as well. And both were not in our favor that evening. It felt, a lot of the time, that we were fighting against the private atmospheres that the "audience" brought in. The show still went fine. But it was a completely different show. Because half of the piece is improvised, we had to work twice as hard and talk twice as long to the same people. We had to acknowledge that the empty space was there and then just go with it. It was fine. And had we not had such an awesome opening, we probably wouldn't have felt how brutal it was. But there it is. We were still entertaining. But it's a bummer that we had to end on that note.
So that's pretty much the end of term 3. Sure there's one week left of meetings, tutorials, seminars, a mock audition, and a two day film/tv workshop, but truthfully...I'm pretty much checked out. And I'm pretty much freaked out that time -that saucy minx- is running out. There are still places I want to see. there are still some people I wish I knew better. Some I wish They knew ME better. ...some I wish I saw less of. And then a select few that are closest, where I feel like I will lose a limb when I don't get to see them everyday. Real life is coming, people. And I'm not thrilled at the thought. But for now, it's baby steps. Sleep. Eat. Theatre.
Honestly, I know it sounds like I'm having a hard time. And ok, I am. But I gotta tell ya, I'd still rather be me than anyone else. I'd still rather do theatre and film and never have a "normal" day. I'd still rather own a little, but experience a lot. I'd still rather be me.
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