I know. It was a shock to me as well. But I am not, in fact, Jesus Christ. And here's more news to stuff in your pipe and smoke: You aren't Jesus either.
Where am I going with this, you ask? Well, I've been beating myself up a lot lately for not being infallible. Forgiving oneself, when one is truly sorry, is totally allowed. In most cases, even encouraged. So perhaps I should cut myself a break. I don't always say the right thing, I don't always do the right thing, and I certainly don't always control my facial expressions. (Ok. I rarely control my facial expressions). I am a work in progress. So it's time to cease self flagellation.
Perhaps that is why I am having nightmares so often as of late. For five days straight I've woken up well before my alarm and with this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Each dream was one of humiliation or attack and had one or all of the people in my programme in it. I'm either on stage with no idea of what my lines are, or in a rehearsal room being yelled at for how controlling and overbearing I am, or being made fun of, etc. Now you may thinking, it could be worse, there could be zombies trying to eat your brains or something. Well, for me, my dreams are actually worse than zombies. I'd take zombies over public humiliation and embarrassment anyday. That's probably wrong on so many levels. Like I said, work in progress.
Anyway.
It's halfway through the week already. And I'm frustrated. This last term is kind of, well, wimpy. In comparison, the first term was like rock climbing, London was like a decathlon, term two was like the polar bear swim (look it up. not pleasant), term three was like trying to walk a straight line during an earthquake, and this term...is like playing hopscotch. Not really mindblowing, not really all encompassing, a little confusing, and hard to play for long periods of time. It all comes down to the administration and the lack of efficiency, planning, and trust in the cohort that they assembled. It's disappointing. But I am squeezing what I can out of what they are giving, and building other lesson plans for myself to keep busy. I refuse to be lazy.
So. I teach ballet once a week. I go to the gym three to four times a week. I am starting (with KS) to search/workshop/rehearse up to ten new monologues for auditioning. I am building my website, selecting songs to work on for my repertoire (ones that I actually WANT to sing just in case I choose to go to a musical call. not likely. but you never know), and reading about clowning, rodenburg, fencing, stage combat, and applying for shakespeare festivals next week. If I go back to NYC and do not get a role, it will not be for lack of preparation. It may be because I look like someone's second cousin twice removed who slept with someone's ex-girlfriend who turned out to be gay. But I can't control that. But it will never be because I am not prepared.
Rehearsals this week have been...good. But also tedious. But a necessary tedious. Sometimes you have to bang around the kitchen before you can find the right mixing bowl, if you know what I mean. (And if you don't know what I mean and want me to avoid all future analogies, I just mean we've had to try a lot of things out slowly before finding choices that fit). We've been using a lot of the Michael Chekhov work that we first experienced at the Globe back in January. And for the most part, it has unlocked a few things for me with the Mermaid. Chekhov uses a lot of gestures in order to convey what's going on emotionally inside. It is, from my understanding, a physical movement or manifestation of your reaction to an event that has occurred. ...you lost, yet? Yeah. I am too sometimes. But for the Mermaid, since she reacts and feeds off of the emotions of others and not the words that are being said, it has been very useful. Someone will make a gesture of, let's say, comfort. This may look like a reaching out gently towards another character with both hands. The gesture is repeated in a cyclical motion while going through that section of the script. Now, normally each character would have their own gesture as they would each be experiencing their own individual reactions to what is going on. But my character takes on others' emotions and therefore their gestures. When a feeling is not your own, it can be confusing and disorientating which is what the Mermaid feels. The physical manifestation chosen by a character makes the emotion I get for the mermaid more specific and therefore has made some of the lines become sharper and less forced. It still has a LONG way to go and it makes me nervous having to depend on the emotions I am given. I will not be able to fabricate or force anything (which I shouldn't anyway). If I am given nothing, I will have to give nothing. And on the other end of the scary spectrum, if I am given raw genuine emotion, I will have to bounce that same openness and vulnerability back. It is a nice little challenge that I had not expected and look forward to. Despite the fact it scares me.
This project is delicate in that it will be a thin line between ridiculous farce (when it's not meant to be) and beautiful and delightfully funny. We've already established my problem with making a tw&t out of myself. But I'm just stubborn enough to make myself commit fully, even if I have to drag myself kicking screaming while I do it. I do not like how I am wasting even a tiny bit of energy fighting my insecurities. But they're there. They exist. It is human. And it is ok.
As I said, I am not Jesus. You can only do your best. And I will.
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