I have forgotten how much I really enjoy sitting down at the piano and fumbling my way through songs. It's one of those autopilot things where you can just turn off your brain to everything other than the little notes on the paper. Maybe because it takes all my concentration to have my brain tell my fingers where to go. My kindergarten teacher always said that I didn't have very good hand-eye coordination. wait...maybe she said I just had a short attention span... oh I don't remember. Either way, I checked out some music from the library and have been using the holes in my schedule to plunk out some new tunes. I always feel clearer afterwards. The dream would be to one day have a music room in a home of my own. Maybe (hell let's dream real big) a baby grand and the room would have lots of windows.
I also have forgotten how hard/fun ballet is. Yesterday I taught some basic ballet to a few girls in my class. For a little over an hour we leaped and plieed around to music that I prepared and had a bit of a giggle. I've missed feeling graceful and structured like this. Ballet, for the most part, was something that just made sense to me. It helps with core strength and posture, breath, and building muscle without bulking up. It just changes how you carry yourself. But holybuhjeebus. I'ma achin' today.
This last Saturday we had our End of Term Brinner. I'm so glad we started it. There is nothing more comforting than breakfast food. It solves sadness, stress, hangovers, future hangovers, and homesickness. It always has such a familial feel to it and that combined with the release from term and the warmth of Angie's place, it was a good end to the week.
I spent Sunday doing mostly nothing other than catching up on my life (i.e. laundry, vacuum, family skyping). And then Monday was the beginning of Useless Week. As in, -why do we bother having it let's just go on vacation now- week. First some of us had a meeting at Glasgow University to meet with some student playwrights and directors for a project that we are supposed to do with them in July. We trekked over in crap weather only to find that they were fairly disorganized and that the project (in which we believed would last a full week) would only comprise of one four hour rehearsal and then a short dress rehearsal before a staged reading of it. ...right...and what exactly am i supposed to do with the other 32 hours of my week? Listen. I don't regret coming here. At all. It is the best decision I have ever made. But that being said, this programme has some serious holes in it. You cannot have a year long programme and then give this much time off. It is supposed to be jam packed almost everyday. It needs to be. Because when I'm back into the swing of things, I don't ever want to have to say to a casting director or producer that I can't do something. Especially when I've got the time and resources to do it. I've paid for these resources. So these administrators had best be stepping up. It often feels like they are scrambling to throw speakers in to fill empty time.
Case in point, today. Very lovely girl. She graduated from the course the first year it was in effect. She's from the UK and has done some nice work here and there on theatre and some tv (Downton Abbey) but since over half of the students in our class are Americans that will be deported after graduation, all the advice she had to give concerning working in the UK was not useful to us. Also, it seems to me she was one of the lucky ones. She has an amazing agent and her survival job is being a musician. I'm happy for her, it's great to see someone doing well. But not everyone can play in a band and live off it. In fact, the majority of actors will struggle for much longer than two or three years before they even get an agent of that calibur to come see something they're in, let alone sign with them. And though it's nice to meet new people, you cannot plot out your life or career based on someone else. Just because someone else found their way through this/that/and the other, doesn't mean that it will work out that way for you. The best thing you can do? Show up, be prepared, and present yourself as how you want to be seen. You can't control anything that other people do or say or feel. But you can do right by yourself, you can have your box of acting tools ready for when those lucky opportunities come. If you show up, eventually one (at least one) will. And as long as I believe that and as long as I can live with myself, I'll keep showing up.
One good thing to come from today is that I had my tutorial with the head of my programme finally. I dreaded it. I did not think there was any way it was going to go well. And I did not want to relive any of the Malfi stuff. But I said what I had to say and he listened. And what's more, he reassured me in many ways. And he also said that it speaks highly of my cohort members and myself that with all that we were dealing with, that we kept ourselves together, put on a great show, and didn't come crying at his door. He respected us for trying to push through, keep professional and handle it ourselves. I'm glad I said something. Because for some reason, it makes it feel less like we were abused children and more like equals. Because we are. And I feel like I don't have that beast of an angerball in my chest anymore. There are still many things that get me going about the hodge podge that is this programme but those are just ash and soot in comparison.
Besides, in one week...I'll be flying to Malta. Good things, people. Good things.
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