This week has been odd. In an unsettling way. We've had no classes or rehearsals so I know I should feel that sort of release that you get when you realize you are on vacation. But I don't. And that sucks. I can't seem to unwind.
Rehearsals last week did not end well in my mind. I have this nagging feeling that the director thinks our cast is crap and that I don't know how to think for myself. It's one thing to be disliked for actual truths about yourself. I can almost handle that (though I really hate being disliked), but when I am disliked for something that is not true, then that really irks me. I KNOW HOW TO THINK FOR MYSELF. When you are in a rehearsal room, the issues are rarely the fault of a single person. So, I will take responsibility for any closed mindedness I may have, for my facial expressions which have a life of their own when I am displeased, and for the billions of questions I always feel bubbling inside me and occasionally get asked. But I will not apologize for being confused or for feeling like I am not respected. The role I have does not actually exist in the play. It is a mixture of four parts and it has changed from being a Concept role, to a sadist, to a Mary Poppins on crack, to a school marm undertaker, to an efficient mother, and now who knows what. So I think I am entitled to be a little confused. And I understand that I am supposed to make my own decisions about a role and that that is my job. But I think I should have a jumping off point so that I have some structure. I do not like feeling lost. And I get the feeling that I am not the only one in this cast who feels this. My mistake,in sum, has been caring entirely too much about what this guy thinks and placing way too much emphasis on this project as if it epitomizes my career. This is a blip on my radar, people. Perspective. Must keep that in mind. ...but I never like feeling like I'm shite. And I never like feeling like my best is not good enough. I have felt both these things. And I hate that I am tempted to settle for luke warm characterization. I deserve better than that. And so does my cast. So. I am using these next three weeks to complete my rather large "To Do" list, but also to do some serious jesus-prayin' that I find a way to put whatever bitterness I have aside so that I can walk back into that rehearsal room after break, refreshed, open, and not with an impulse to flip the bird every two seconds. That is my goal. It's gonna take a lot of prayin.'
Anyway. Last Saturday I managed to go to Oran Mor (an old cathedral that was converted into a pub and theatre) for A Play, Pie, and a Pint. Which is exactly what it sounds like. You get to watch a play while enjoying a pint and meat pie. I've given up drinking for the next couple of weeks so I stuck with diet coke, but it was fine because I really enjoyed the show. Then we went to a pub to watch my first Rugby match (Scotland v Ireland). I lasted about 90 minutes before I realized I was falling asleep. It wasn't boring! I swear! But my body has been crashing from all the excess work. Sometimes you never realize how tired you are until you stop moving and thinking. So I spent all Sunday watching a marathon of True Blood and sleeping.
Monday was my first costume fitting for Duchess of Malfi. It was what it was. Some of the decisions made have helped me get an idea of where my character is actually supposed to go so it was useful. It's funny when you've got a picture of who you think you are in your head, then you put on the clothing options and realize...wow...I've been so wrong. So THIS is where you want me to go with it!
I also spent the morning with AK and KS watching them take headshots. I always love a good photo shoot.
Tuesday was the audition for As You Like It for the Bard in the Botanics. Basically it's a summer festival where you perform Shakespeare outside in the botanical gardens. This year they were looking for Phoebe and also two male parts. The audition was fine. I find if I got through the monologue and gave it my best shot, then it was a success. We don't find out for a week or so but I am fine either way. Either I get it, or I am taking a trip to Malta. It's a WIN-WIN.
I also had a meeting with the head of opera at RCS with a few of my other cohort members. He is putting on a sort of benefit dinner in Edinburgh to promote the RCS and help gain scholarship funds and the theme is Shakespeare. I was asked to perform a few Sonnets for the evening. Pretty neat, they feed us and everythin'. :)
Tuesday night was our cohort's (a tradition now, I think) Brinner night. Breakfast for dinner to celebrate the end of our term. I brought breakfast burritos this time. It was many an hour of just sitting back, eating, and relaxing.
Wednesday was rehearsal for On the Verge with PB. As per usual, it was fun and inventive. Our assignment was to make a "mix tape" for our significant other in the project and find reasons behind each song. We've also been assigned an element (earth, fire, air, water) to work with so that we start to deviate from our actual selves in the improvs. My element is water and the more I study about it the more I'm like, "Ew." It's all about feelings and needs and shit. Sigh. Not that I don't have them. I can actually be quite emotional and needy. Which is why I keep a tight leash on stuff like that. It's hard for me to respect women who have an excess of that. Ok, that's sounds really bad. But I just keep picturing those women I see who are all over their guys like, "save me save me! I can't open this peanut butter jar and need your big stwong hands to hewp me. boo hoo hoo." But I just have to remember that my mother is a water person. And she's not like that. She's the most feeling person I know. But it's not neediness. It's empathy. It's those kinds of people that when they love, they love big. Which is scary for me to think about doing. These people are the bravest because it's more important to love someone then to worry about being rejected. This also makes them incredibly sensitive as well. It will be an interesting challenge. Let's see if I chicken out. Bets, anyone?
Today was my last costume fitting of the week. This time for my appearance as a whore in Measure for Measure. I am SOOOOO glad I've been going to the gym, because wowzers. We're talking tacky strappy blue heels, fishnet stockings, stretchy animal print short skirt, open teal lace up corset-ish thing with only a black bra underneath, blue synthetic bob wig, red fishnet gloves, pimp daddy dollar sign ring, large light blue hoop earrings from the 80s, and a feather boa. uh whuuuuuuuuuuuuuh? Baby boo boo honey child, I am gooooooooood lookin'. It is certainly a side of me that many have not seen before. But I am actually, as of now, fairly comfortable in it. But I will certainly not be slacking off on the treadmill over the next six weeks.
Well, that about wraps it up. I have hair modeling tomorrow at BBC Scotland. They are doing master classes for period hair from the 1900s to present. The lady in charge of it is Academy Award winning I think. She may have done the hair for Sense and Sensibility if I remember correctly. So that will be fun, I hope. But it's an early morning so off to beddy bye, I go.
Thinking of you x
No comments:
Post a Comment