I slept 13 hours. And could have slept 13 more. But knew that's what I would do if I played safe. I like to hibernate. Because then I have no one to impress but myself. And let's be real, my expectations are low. But I got myself up, got ready and headed to the kitchen to claim a cupboard and drawer (we share the kitchen with 8 other students. )
And it is there that I met Michael. Michael is a masters student in composition from Brighton/Dublin. He's lovely and inquisitive and very tall. What meant to be a two minute conversation turned into a forty minute one. I find that I am laughed at a lot here. In the good way. In the "aren't you clever. and silly American, english is for kids." kind of way. I don't mind it.
Later on in the day, Timothy dragged me to what they call the Fresher's Night. Where there's a massive get together where you meet some current students and then afterwards you meet some of your fellow programme colleagues. The massive get together was frightening frankly. A bunch of 18 year olds running around hugging each other. As you know, friends, I'm not a big hugger. Touching is earned and there has to be a reason. Breathing is not enough. But I did manage to find a french student (who did NOT speak much english) to converse with. I don't think he'll survive long here but at least I practiced some french for a bit.
I did find Kate from my programme though and we (and Timothy) scampered off to the Nero cafe for some tea and to kill time before the next suaree. Kate is very sweet (the good kind.) She's from both London and Calgary. I actually auditioned with her the same day in NYC so it was nice to get to know her better. And very refreshing to realize that we all were having the same fears.
About the time we headed back to school, I began to feel the beginnings of jet-lag set in again. But said to myself, "Self? Don't be a granny. You may be turning 29 tomorrow, but that doesn't give you license to act like your 80." So I went. And I'm glad I did. I met about ten people from my programme. ...about 8 are American. So I guess we arent the minority after all. One guy is even originally from Seattle and three from NYC. So there you go. And I can honestly say that as far as first impressions go...I like them all. Which is a relief. And a shock. We had some beers and then headed to the local bar that most people go to. Which ended up not being my scene. They don't take credit cards and I have yet been able to open a local bank account. They play loud music so you can't talk and there were way too many of the "I need to drink to get drunk" types. So I didn't last long. And I started feeling, as I always do eventually, socially awkward. Believe it or not, the meeting of new people is NOT my favorite thing. It doesnt even make the top 100. It's like middle school all over again, bringing out insecurities that I frankly don't have time for. Meeting new people, people that you are going to be surrounded with intensely for a long time, is exhausting and makes you feel vulnerable. That's why I'm so horrible at networking, I think.
I'm sure I was fine. I'm sure they liked me. When I mentioned it was my birthday tomorrow (which I wasnt going to tell anyone but since I liked them so much, I did) they all said let's go have a pint somewhere after matriculation tomorrow. I planned on going to a movie but I may just meet them after as well.
I don't know why I always get this sick feeling in my stomach after meeting people. Even when I LIKE them. But I always feel unsettled. Almost similiar to being embarrassed. So I ask myself...what am I embarrassed of? I have no idea.
So I'll do what I always do. I'll give myself the evening to stew in whatever is unsettling me, then turn on a movie and get the hell over it. Because I will be damned if I'm going to get in my own way again. You are supposed to be your own best friend. Not your own worst enemy. There will be enough people out there who will bring out the ugliness in you, you need not do it to yourself. So, I'm going to bed tonight with Calvin's words in my head. "Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild. You just be you." Because that's all that's needed. That's enough.
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