I lose my balance when i can't talk things out. i depend on words; how they are used, how they are delivered, how they are taken. believe it or not, it matters a great deal if i ever upset anyone or hurt them. if i ever do so, it is an unfortunate side effect of my inability to keep the truth (or my version of it) in. I choose to tell people a straight forward truth, because i want to respect them. I don't want to insult them by lying, or beating around the bush, or even falsely pretending that something is ok when it is not. I do my best to, in return, take whatever flack is thrown back at me as a result. i know what I have to say is not always easy to hear. and so I try very hard to accept the exact treatment that i give. "treat others as you would like to be treated."
i have never been more hurt in my life as when someone has lied to me or avoided telling me outright what it is that is wrong. i understand that this can be scary. though i am outright often, it doesnt mean that it doesnt scare the shit out of me everytime i do it. i want to be liked. i want to be loved. I want to have friends and be respected and not be spoken ill of. and when it comes to the professional world, i know this is a very thin line to walk. especially in the theatre/film world. people often don't want to hear the truth. they want to hear what they want to hear. or they just want you to shut up and do what you are told. whatever it is, i know that my lack of couth and patience will not see me quickly to the top. whatever that "top" is. but i, at least, can guarantee that i WILL respect myself when i get there.
why am i saying this, you ask?
because i suppose i need to remind myself who i am at this very instant. because i need to remind myself that i am human and am allowed to be hurt. and because i need to remind myself that sometimes, no matter how you word things, how clear you try to make yourself, or how respectful and truthful you try to be...sometimes you just arent liked for it.
I made a decision to discuss something with my director that i felt was not okay. Despite my displeasure with him, i have tried to keep my mind open to his way of doing things even though i do not care for how he uses his words. I have often found him to be offensive to my fellow castmates, disrespectful, and borderline abusive. But behind all his faff, what he said about acting was always true in my book. So though it may not have looked like it, i have tried to start each rehearsal as though the tension in the room wasn't 5ft thick and smelling of rank distain. because that's how i always felt with him. that he distained us. that we were soft, inexperienced, untalented students who'd never amount to much and that he'd be happy to take his paycheck and never see our faces again once this was over.
Now, I said that's what i felt that he thought. but that's NOT what i feel about myself or my castmates. it is reassuring to know that said person has had no imprint on my self esteem or worth when it comes to my acting abilities or my opinion of others.
but back to the point of the story. i made a choice to bring something up and made a request. I tried to be as clear and respectful and personable to him as i could. in truth, i have felt overloaded, emotionally drained, and downright tired. I have never been in a rehearsal process that has been so draining and pure poison before. and i could feel that my boiling point was being reached. so i made sure i was extra careful with the tone of my voice, choice of words, and tried to be as understanding as i could.
it did not go well.
i believe he felt attacked in some way. i'm not sure. but whatever happened, it ended very badly. i am grateful that quite a few of my castmates were there and they assure me that i have no reason to blame myself for anything. i know that they have been feeling the same way. I go back over the "conversation" (if you can call it that) to see where it went wrong, and i truly have no idea. I know many of you are wishing i'd stop talking in generalities and give details but I'd still like to come out of this respecting myself and being a professional. So I'll keep them to myself and those that were there. But i needed to write something. So that it doesn't just sit there and fester. Because it would. And I, nor any of my castmates, don't deserve that. And I am determined to finish this show with nothing in my head but my job and generosity towards my cast.
Another unfortunate outcome was that, while i managed to leave the presence of my director with my dignity in tact...i lost it once i left the building. i had known i needed a good cry. and i knew that if i didnt get one soon that a panic attack would probably come at the most inopportune time. yeah, well it did. and i can't say that i'm not embarrassed about it. justified or not, it is not something i needed anyone to see. and there were plenty to see it.
i am alright. i have good friends who take excellent care of me. but falling apart is something i prefer to do in private. but it's done. and i'm going to let that go. just as i'm going to take whatever flack, guilt, or blame from the director over the next 48hours that i will have with him. because despite what he may think of me, i am good at what i do.
And you can't be liked and respected by everyone.
I refuse to leave it on that note however, so I'd like to wish the Measure for Measure cast a very happy opening night tomorrow. Be brave, have fun, and break legs! You've worked hard and played hard and deserve every moment on that stage. xoxo
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