I put my sunglasses in the refrigerator. I don't recall when or how. All I know is I went to get my lunch yesterday, opened the door, and there they were. I suppose that's a good sign of being slightly burned out.
The week has been epic. Thank God I wrote little notes here and there as to what I did or else I'd never have remembered. This was the last full week of rehearsals and it was filled to the brim. I found I was in school mostly from 9am to 9pm with the occasional excursion.
Monday was a group warm up with Voice teacher Bill Wright. I did not care for him in term 1. But I have to say that he's totally growing on me. He stayed the entire day working on people's diction, scansion, and delivery and it changed many scenes into something that was actually understandable. So good on ya, Bill. That and he's got a lovely sense of humor that sneaks in out of no where.
We also brought in our child actor who plays the Duchess' son. We are using RG, the son of one of our cast mates. This little boy is delightful, sensitive, and extremely friendly. And frankly, if anyone is going to get an agent out of this project, it will be him. He does a beautiful job and makes us all a little weepy.
Tuesday was the fourteen hour day that would never end. The plan was to go in to Measure for Measure for a full run of the show with full cast (including all prostitutes for the first time). It was so nice to see the other half of the group working. It seems so long since we've felt a part of them. And the show was in really solid shape. It is clear though that Malfi and Measure have had two completely different rehearsal processes. I believe this run through would have made their fifteenth. While Malfi as of that day was working on run number two. uh...no, we'll be fine. yup. fine. [exhales sharply]
Then following the Measure run we did a full Malfi run with all of the cast for the first time. Our run did not go as well. Our pacing was so far off that it felt like it added ten minutes. oh wait. That's because it did. By then I was a bit ragged and not feeling well and emotional and disappointed and just utterly female that I needed a good cry. And I DEFINITELY needed to get out of that rehearsal room. I will say that Monday and Tuesday were the first days in over two months where I felt that the cast and the director began to actually work together and make progress. That being said, we are all just burned out.
But alas, the day was far from over. That night was the night of the Edinburgh banquet where a few of us were asked to perform some Shakespeare pieces for the President of the school, the executive board of directors, and some possible future donors. I was incredibly nervous due to the fact that I only learned my pieces a week ago, had never fully performed them in front of people, and my brain had begun to short circuit.
But the people I was travelling with made it very hard to stay in a bad mood. JS and LF always make me laugh, AK keeps things light, and DS sends kindness and understanding your way so it would be impossible to sulk. By the time we got off the train Iwas feeling a bit better and was determined not to let anyone see how badly my hands were shaking and the panic. I find if I can keep my hands busy and warm, it helps. So I peeled a piece of plastic off of something and played with it in my hands as I ran through the monologue. I forced myself not to overrun it as well. When I'm uncertain of a piece, all I wanna do is repeat it until it is run into the ground and instead I find I get more and more upset and panicked when I skip over lines.
I slow my heart rate down by breathing and counting and run the monologue quietly maybe once every fifteen minutes or so, telling myself, "you know it. stop pretending that you don't." because it often is a battle for me. I've spoken about this before. My stage fright is sometimes so severe that it makes me want to never perform again. But in the past year, I've found ways of fooling myself into believing that I'm pretty good. And pretty soon, There is no fooling. I just believe I can do it. You would think though that once I was convinced, that that would be the end of it. But alas, no. It is a continual battle. One side saying "you are going to fuck up." and the other that says, "you are better than you think." This is the first year though that the latter voice has won out more than the former. I think that that's what happened to my singing. The "fuck up" voice won. and I let it. I'll be damned if I let that happen in acting.
Besides. there's something about acting that just always felt right. Not comfortable. But that it clicked. and it never bores me. I like the challenge of a role that I'm not sure I can do and then trying to find a way to do it. I dont mind a little anxiety, it keeps things alive. But out right fear is another thing all together.
After the performance (which went extremely well and I thank God for it) I had to sit down in a chair for a bit. Well that's new, I thought to myself, the anxiety came after the performance. huh. Well that I can handle. Because the jobs already done. Oh wait...now we have to have dinner and shmooze with the wealthy people of edinburgh. oh god. I'm awful at networking. I mean, I can do it. Ten years of job's daughters, public speaking competitions, and pageants taught me well. But I've never been comfortable doing it. I suppose that's a part of me that I get from my dad; conversing with strangers without a purpose or function is weird. And even weirder is conversing with strangers to get something from them. I suppose it helped not realizing just how wealthy these people were. Later I would come to find out that "wealthy" would hardly cover what they were.
Anyway, we managed to make the head of our programme proud and the people were very very nice (with the exception of that one waiter who is SO lucky I had three glasses of free wine or else he woulda found himself getting a swirly in the toilet. The asswipe. oop! sorry. keep it classy...).
Anyway, in case you were wondering, the two pieces I performed were Enobarbus from Antony and Cleopatra and also my favorite sonnet of all time #116.
I am grateful for every performance that I pull off. I never take it for granted or expect things to go off without a hitch. Ever.
Wednesday. oof. Only halfway through the week.
We worked mainly on trust and pace picker upper exercises. Which were very good. Only, I sat on my ass for most of it. In truth, I was in the rehearsal room from 9-6...but I was only worked 5pm-6pm. But I managed to fit in a gym session and I understand that having other people in the room during some exercises helps other actors get where they need to go. So I was only half ticked off. Mostly I was just still so exhausted from the day before.
The exercises:
Flying and Falling. We would walk around the room continually in any which way. Then suddenly and randomly someone would raise an arm and say either Falling (and fall completely backwards) or Flying (and faceplant themselves). It was our responsibility as a unit to catch them, lift them above our heads and walk them around the space. It can be quite frightening and a nice check in as to how much trust you have. It was also nice that the director participated and even used himself as bait for the first few times. Showing us that he trusted us. It was very much needed. The more I work with him, the more I realize that we, as a collective, are insecure. He, as a director, is insecure. And if you put 12 insecure intellectuals in a room together (ok, not all 12 of us but as a collective we are) then you get a big hot mess with a lot of tension and ugliness. So trust is exactly what we need. The director has also managed to curb his harshness by about 60% which is pretty good for him. There is now room in the room for progress.
The other exercise had us standing in a circle and running the scenes. We would jump into the circle on our cues, and the focus was on pace. It was exhausting standing for hours on the outskirts because you had to be engaged even when you weren't speaking. But it changed our whole first half so I know it will pay off in the end. As I said, I understand the need to have those in the scene to help the ones leading it. It adds to the atmosphere (paper research) and completes the energy. It's almost worthless to rehearse these particular scenes without all being there because you aren't using all the factors needed. It would be like building a house using chewed bubblegum to keep the walls together. It sticks for a while but in the end it falls apart.
Thursday brought a morning run through which went Soooooo much better. And then it was off to tech Measure for Measure. For the first time I put on the whore costume in full. ...wowzah. Um, the amount of boobage is stunning. And then following that, back to Malfi rehearsal again where I waited three hours to say one line.
Friday was another 9am call time where we dragged all the props and furniture into the rehearsal room to find out which pieces we may actually use. Some of us were bouncing back and forth to the Measure tech so we were never a complete group and therefore couldn't really rehearse many scenes. I managed to clean up a few loose ends to a couple of my scenes and then off to get whored up for the full dress rehearsal of Measure for Measure. It's been so long since I've been in a show with full lights and sound. Normally I'm the one behind the table calling the show. It's a nice change. And since I don't really do much other than shake my tail feather and grab a few guys hind-ends, I can sit back and enjoy my other castmates work. We ended the night and a very long week at the Flying Duck pub where it took only two Heineken to send me into happy land. huzzah.
Next week is our (Malfi) brutal two day tech, a couple of run throughs, and then starting Weds, our shows begin in Rep. I don't even have time to really dwell on the fact that it is almost May. Whoa.
Thinking of you. x
p.s. Happy Birthday to my Bro. Love you.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
A Chink in the Armor
There are times when I go through a few days (sometimes weeks) when I feel uber sensitive and lost. Over the years, I've learned that that's just a part of what makes me tick and that the only thing I can do is ride it out and pray I don't make a damn fool of myself in the meantime.
These are times when I am thankful for whatever censor or shred of filter I may have.
The past week, unfortunately, has been one of those times. If I'm argued with over something petty or over the literal meaning over something, I want to scream. If I get a note from the director (or Don't get a note) I want to scream. If I am running late, trip over my own feet, stutter over my own words, anything. I get so upset with myself. Then I remember, Oh Stacy, this is one of your crazy times. Let that go.
It doesn't help that the rehearsal process is still one that I can't wait to be over. I'm exhausted waking up every morning at 7:30 and already putting on armor because I know I'm going to need it. I spend most my days standing in for missing actors or marking the blocking for the "attendants" then I do in my own part. But at least I am doing something. It was much worse when I had to sit for days in the room and do nothing.
A few good things from the process however, are that we had our first run through yesterday and it went so much better than any of us ever dreamed. Even el dictator director was slightly impressed, and I quote, "I hesitate to say this but, this has the potential of being quite good." ...praise indeed.
Another good thing is the four "attendants" from the Measure cast who join us here and there in rehearsals. They bring in an energy that lifts the room up a bit and it is SO much easier playing off of them than when have to talk to the air and pretend someone is there. For moments, the world is complete and even at times fun. Not to mention that the director is a bit softer with us when they are there.
And lastly, on the good front, I have gotten to get to know a few other people in our cast a bit better. We've found ways to support each other and make each other laugh and have learned how to gage what moods we are in and how to avoid most conflicts. SG does a particular dance with a tiny jacket on that works everytime for me. FM quotes awful pop songs and does accents. LM gives good hugs and screams like a girl. AK also gives good hugs and has an amazing Bob Dylan impression. KS (also a hugger) has a ridiculous super hero stance that lights up my life. MAR does crazy voices with his intense melancholic monologues. And so on and so on. We've got about two weeks of this left. We're going to be fine.
But the emotional sensitivity is just that bit of extra doo-doo that I don't need. And have you ever realized that that is the exact time that the small stuff happens? Yesterday, I come home exhausted and go to the kitchen and open up the fridge only to find that the fridge broke sometime during the day. We share it with other people on our floor. They moved all their food to other fridges but left mine. And half had begun to spoil already. I stared at the fridge, at my food inside, and walked away. I got ready to go to the birthday dinner of LF, got fancied up, looked at the clock, I'm running late, grab my bag, and walk out the door. ...I looked down at said bag...I grabbed my school bag instead of my purse. I had locked myself out of my room. My keys, phone, wallet, everything was inside the room. (insert rather graphic profanity here). Ok, breathe, no problem. I go down to the reception desk to ask the security guard to let me in and pray it's not the dude who always looks at me in a skeevy way. ....no one is there at the desk. (insert another creative curse here). I pace back and forth in my heels waiting....waiting....waiting....the scream is coming people. If that guard doesnt get here in two....he arrives ten minutes later...it's the same dude. Shit. Sigh.
He walks me to my door and I'm like "ugh. He knows my room number now." But whatever. I get in, hurl my school bag across the room, grab my purse, wait 30 seconds so I am sure I don't have to ride the elevator with kreepy mckreeperson guard and then walk out into the rain. RAIN. eff you, Scotland. We're in a fight.
How will this night be redeemed you ask? Well, by having a three hour birthday dinner in a fantastic restaurant with amazing seafood, good sauvignon blanc, and good people. Expensive? Yes. But while money can't buy happiness, it can sure help a shit-creek day. Well spent.
This weekend is a mix of catching up on all the chores I've missed since I've had 9am-9pm rehearsals all week, going to the gym, finding some girl time with a couple friends, and then going over the script. Again. I will not be beaten by this part. Am I frustrated with it? Yes. Is it coming along? yes. Is it my best work? absolutely not. And I hate that. I hate feeling like my work is slipping. Or that I am unable to figure a role out. I have never been this far along the process and have felt like I've no idea who I am. I will admit that it is not for the lack of trying. I remind myself that this role doesn't actually exist in the script. That the director's favorite phrase is "I Don't Know" so he's been no help other than confusing me further. And I also remind myself that it is a "crazy sensitive" phase right now. So I'm cutting myself some slack.
You only fail if you do nothing. You only fail if you do not try. Failure comes to those who do not show up. What is it they always say? In order to have a chance at winning the lottery...you have to buy a ticket.
These are times when I am thankful for whatever censor or shred of filter I may have.
The past week, unfortunately, has been one of those times. If I'm argued with over something petty or over the literal meaning over something, I want to scream. If I get a note from the director (or Don't get a note) I want to scream. If I am running late, trip over my own feet, stutter over my own words, anything. I get so upset with myself. Then I remember, Oh Stacy, this is one of your crazy times. Let that go.
It doesn't help that the rehearsal process is still one that I can't wait to be over. I'm exhausted waking up every morning at 7:30 and already putting on armor because I know I'm going to need it. I spend most my days standing in for missing actors or marking the blocking for the "attendants" then I do in my own part. But at least I am doing something. It was much worse when I had to sit for days in the room and do nothing.
A few good things from the process however, are that we had our first run through yesterday and it went so much better than any of us ever dreamed. Even el dictator director was slightly impressed, and I quote, "I hesitate to say this but, this has the potential of being quite good." ...praise indeed.
Another good thing is the four "attendants" from the Measure cast who join us here and there in rehearsals. They bring in an energy that lifts the room up a bit and it is SO much easier playing off of them than when have to talk to the air and pretend someone is there. For moments, the world is complete and even at times fun. Not to mention that the director is a bit softer with us when they are there.
And lastly, on the good front, I have gotten to get to know a few other people in our cast a bit better. We've found ways to support each other and make each other laugh and have learned how to gage what moods we are in and how to avoid most conflicts. SG does a particular dance with a tiny jacket on that works everytime for me. FM quotes awful pop songs and does accents. LM gives good hugs and screams like a girl. AK also gives good hugs and has an amazing Bob Dylan impression. KS (also a hugger) has a ridiculous super hero stance that lights up my life. MAR does crazy voices with his intense melancholic monologues. And so on and so on. We've got about two weeks of this left. We're going to be fine.
But the emotional sensitivity is just that bit of extra doo-doo that I don't need. And have you ever realized that that is the exact time that the small stuff happens? Yesterday, I come home exhausted and go to the kitchen and open up the fridge only to find that the fridge broke sometime during the day. We share it with other people on our floor. They moved all their food to other fridges but left mine. And half had begun to spoil already. I stared at the fridge, at my food inside, and walked away. I got ready to go to the birthday dinner of LF, got fancied up, looked at the clock, I'm running late, grab my bag, and walk out the door. ...I looked down at said bag...I grabbed my school bag instead of my purse. I had locked myself out of my room. My keys, phone, wallet, everything was inside the room. (insert rather graphic profanity here). Ok, breathe, no problem. I go down to the reception desk to ask the security guard to let me in and pray it's not the dude who always looks at me in a skeevy way. ....no one is there at the desk. (insert another creative curse here). I pace back and forth in my heels waiting....waiting....waiting....the scream is coming people. If that guard doesnt get here in two....he arrives ten minutes later...it's the same dude. Shit. Sigh.
He walks me to my door and I'm like "ugh. He knows my room number now." But whatever. I get in, hurl my school bag across the room, grab my purse, wait 30 seconds so I am sure I don't have to ride the elevator with kreepy mckreeperson guard and then walk out into the rain. RAIN. eff you, Scotland. We're in a fight.
How will this night be redeemed you ask? Well, by having a three hour birthday dinner in a fantastic restaurant with amazing seafood, good sauvignon blanc, and good people. Expensive? Yes. But while money can't buy happiness, it can sure help a shit-creek day. Well spent.
This weekend is a mix of catching up on all the chores I've missed since I've had 9am-9pm rehearsals all week, going to the gym, finding some girl time with a couple friends, and then going over the script. Again. I will not be beaten by this part. Am I frustrated with it? Yes. Is it coming along? yes. Is it my best work? absolutely not. And I hate that. I hate feeling like my work is slipping. Or that I am unable to figure a role out. I have never been this far along the process and have felt like I've no idea who I am. I will admit that it is not for the lack of trying. I remind myself that this role doesn't actually exist in the script. That the director's favorite phrase is "I Don't Know" so he's been no help other than confusing me further. And I also remind myself that it is a "crazy sensitive" phase right now. So I'm cutting myself some slack.
You only fail if you do nothing. You only fail if you do not try. Failure comes to those who do not show up. What is it they always say? In order to have a chance at winning the lottery...you have to buy a ticket.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
If you've got nothing nice to say...go to the ballet.
First week back to rehearsals and it feels like we never left. I can't say that that's entirely a good thing. But I CAN say that we're finally getting somewhere. With the show going up in about two and a half weeks, for the first time I can see its potential. We've only truly worked the first three acts but I have no doubt that we'll be fine. The tension and frustration is still very much in the room at all times, none of which is productive. I have to admire our cast in how we've managed to muddle through despite the resistance and judgment that we've constantly encountered. After a good sit down with the director, we thought all would be smoother. But alas, within a half a day things had moved right back to its original pattern. But rather than go into detail and get myself riled up over something that I can't change and something that is so temporary in my life, I'd like to focus on a few people who have made HUGE leaps in the roles they are playing. Now, if any of my cast is reading this and I am not specifically talking about you, that doesn't mean I don't think you are awesome or that I won't regale your attributes later, but right now, I'd like to talk about these few people.
Firstly, KS. This girl has been the joy of my day along with AK for quite some time now. KS never shows her frustration or if she does, it is always in the most respectful and professional way. When she was cast as the Duchess, I don't think anyone was more shocked than she. But she has attacked the role in a way that me jumping up and down like I'm at a sporting event. But this has been KS's way. She has never had a project this year that she has not improved herself upon. And here, she has found within her a royalty, a stature, and a steel that is absolutely needed for this part. Her voice has found its authority and she has learned to fight. I'm more than proud of her.
LM, when cast as Ferdinand, was concerned about making a joke of himself. He so badly wanted to be taken seriously in this role. LM is a kinetic actor and I've never seen anyone "play" like he does. He's absolutely fearless and has no problem making an absolute ass out of himself. This is essential when trying to find brilliance. Big was never his problem. Through this, he's finding a beautiful way of portraying intimacy in a big way without making it farce or comical. He can be heartbreaking. It has nothing to do with the fact that he looks like a yummy alpha in his suit and tie. It has everything to do with who he is.
So. Yay. Something positive and good out of a situation of stress and suffocation.
In other news, I saw the Scottish Ballet put on A Streetcar Named Desire. It was so beautiful. They had a full orchestra that played jazz music, amazing lighting, and the dance was a mix of ballet, contemporary, and 50s jive. It totally worked and was incredibly emotional. And I really needed to see something that was not connected to anything we are doing right now in rehearsal. So it served its purpose.
The next few weeks will be a bit overwhelming I think. We'll be rehearsing both Measure and Malfi from 9-6pm with some evening rehearsals, and when not in those rehearsals I'll be in On the Verge rehearsals till 9pm. As well as going to the gym, and learning monologues and sonnets for the Edinburgh night on the 24th. But I like to be busy. So all is well.
Thinking of you x
Firstly, KS. This girl has been the joy of my day along with AK for quite some time now. KS never shows her frustration or if she does, it is always in the most respectful and professional way. When she was cast as the Duchess, I don't think anyone was more shocked than she. But she has attacked the role in a way that me jumping up and down like I'm at a sporting event. But this has been KS's way. She has never had a project this year that she has not improved herself upon. And here, she has found within her a royalty, a stature, and a steel that is absolutely needed for this part. Her voice has found its authority and she has learned to fight. I'm more than proud of her.
LM, when cast as Ferdinand, was concerned about making a joke of himself. He so badly wanted to be taken seriously in this role. LM is a kinetic actor and I've never seen anyone "play" like he does. He's absolutely fearless and has no problem making an absolute ass out of himself. This is essential when trying to find brilliance. Big was never his problem. Through this, he's finding a beautiful way of portraying intimacy in a big way without making it farce or comical. He can be heartbreaking. It has nothing to do with the fact that he looks like a yummy alpha in his suit and tie. It has everything to do with who he is.
So. Yay. Something positive and good out of a situation of stress and suffocation.
In other news, I saw the Scottish Ballet put on A Streetcar Named Desire. It was so beautiful. They had a full orchestra that played jazz music, amazing lighting, and the dance was a mix of ballet, contemporary, and 50s jive. It totally worked and was incredibly emotional. And I really needed to see something that was not connected to anything we are doing right now in rehearsal. So it served its purpose.
The next few weeks will be a bit overwhelming I think. We'll be rehearsing both Measure and Malfi from 9-6pm with some evening rehearsals, and when not in those rehearsals I'll be in On the Verge rehearsals till 9pm. As well as going to the gym, and learning monologues and sonnets for the Edinburgh night on the 24th. But I like to be busy. So all is well.
Thinking of you x
Monday, April 9, 2012
I'm Getting Married.
Made you look. No, but really, the wedding industry of Glasgow thinks I am after yesterday. Easter Sunday brought a wedding fayre (convention) to town and director PB and I went for research on our On the Verge project. I wasn't sure if I should be incognito as an engaged woman or not so I brought a fake engagement ring just in case. And thank God I did.
This was a proper fayre with mimosas and booths around the room. And PB and I were the only one's in there for about an hour or so, so there was no escaping the full attention of the industry. PB and I quickly decided my backstory and for the next 2 1/2 hours, I planned my fictional wedding with my fictional fiance. It was a shit ton of fun.
I based almost everything on fact though: what I would want for a wedding, who I was, etc. Because without enough prep time, I didn't want to maintain too many "lies." I knew I was nervous and wouldn't be able to keep track of them all.
The exercise ended up being pretty useful, and PB got a bag full of freebie goodies. Since my character is a wedding planner as well, the room was a big lesson in the profession.
There was a point however when I thought the jig was up. It all came down to ring lady, Kathy. A very nice woman who works for a fancy wedding bands retailer. When we got to her and she asked to see my engagement ring my stomach dropped. You see said ring, although very lovely, was purchased about five years ago by my mother in a grocery store for about 5 bucks. And it has become a bit rusted on the band because..well...it's worth 5 bucks. So I kept my fingers close together and flashed her the ring. ...she fell in love with it. As she cooed over it I said, "Yeah, he did good, didn't he?" of my fictional fiance.
She said, "oh he sure did."
So we spent the next fifteen minutes or so trying on 500 GBP (900USD) wedding bands against my 5 dollar Fred Meyer ring so I could "get the right look and fit." Oh so wrong!
And then when we took a look at men's wedding rings I got a whole lesson on a new metal called palladium that has no nickel in it for which I told her "oh thank goodness, because my fiance has an allergy to some metals." ...where do I come up with these things?
Normally I would have felt guilty for taking up these people's time but there was no one else there and they seemed wretchedly bored so I think they needed some entertainment as well. And I know for a fact they wouldn't have treated us the same way if we had said, hey we're doing an acting project, help us. And we entered a drawing to win a bottle of champagne so that's a plus as well.
Other interesting moments, the DJ and pianist were there. Songs played were:
My Heart Will Go On- Titanic sdtk
Lady in Red
Theme from Love, Actually
and Rod (ew) Stewart.
Now I have such an aversion to Rod Stewart that when that song came on, the guy just got him self hypothetically fired.
There was also a magician there. He apparently gets hired to work the room after the ceremony when the guests are waiting for the food and the bride and groom are doing pictures. Clever and not as cheesy as I would have thought. That dead time is always the bane of every wedding I've been to. And he was pretty good, actually. But he may or may not have hit on me. You'll have to check with PB to be sure. I can't imagine my fictional fiance would have liked that.
But yes, that was the afternoon. Then I took myself to a movie and had dinner at SW house with a small group of the cohort. He made the best jambalaya I've ever had. I may just have to fictionally marry him for his cooking.
We start rehearsals back up again tomorrow. I'm pretty much ready. I think. It's difficult to tell. And I've also felt that lately I've not been able to sensor what I say at all. Which, ok, I've rarely had much of a sensor. But now I feel it's just pure poison of the mouth. Sometimes I need to just keep my mouth shut. Yes, I may tell the truth (or my truth at least), but truth, if not sought and does not enrich a conversation and when told is negative or puts someone in an ill light, does not always need to be told. It rarely does.
I feel like I can't help myself. The words have left my mouth and I realize they didn't need to be said. It makes me catty and rude. I havent' quite found my balance of private and public. I know I should be more private with things like...opinions. But I also feel suffocated when I keep too much in. Well, however which way you spin it, I shall work harder in speaking only to improve on silence.
Hope you all had a blessed Easter!
Thinking of you x
This was a proper fayre with mimosas and booths around the room. And PB and I were the only one's in there for about an hour or so, so there was no escaping the full attention of the industry. PB and I quickly decided my backstory and for the next 2 1/2 hours, I planned my fictional wedding with my fictional fiance. It was a shit ton of fun.
I based almost everything on fact though: what I would want for a wedding, who I was, etc. Because without enough prep time, I didn't want to maintain too many "lies." I knew I was nervous and wouldn't be able to keep track of them all.
The exercise ended up being pretty useful, and PB got a bag full of freebie goodies. Since my character is a wedding planner as well, the room was a big lesson in the profession.
There was a point however when I thought the jig was up. It all came down to ring lady, Kathy. A very nice woman who works for a fancy wedding bands retailer. When we got to her and she asked to see my engagement ring my stomach dropped. You see said ring, although very lovely, was purchased about five years ago by my mother in a grocery store for about 5 bucks. And it has become a bit rusted on the band because..well...it's worth 5 bucks. So I kept my fingers close together and flashed her the ring. ...she fell in love with it. As she cooed over it I said, "Yeah, he did good, didn't he?" of my fictional fiance.
She said, "oh he sure did."
So we spent the next fifteen minutes or so trying on 500 GBP (900USD) wedding bands against my 5 dollar Fred Meyer ring so I could "get the right look and fit." Oh so wrong!
And then when we took a look at men's wedding rings I got a whole lesson on a new metal called palladium that has no nickel in it for which I told her "oh thank goodness, because my fiance has an allergy to some metals." ...where do I come up with these things?
Normally I would have felt guilty for taking up these people's time but there was no one else there and they seemed wretchedly bored so I think they needed some entertainment as well. And I know for a fact they wouldn't have treated us the same way if we had said, hey we're doing an acting project, help us. And we entered a drawing to win a bottle of champagne so that's a plus as well.
Other interesting moments, the DJ and pianist were there. Songs played were:
My Heart Will Go On- Titanic sdtk
Lady in Red
Theme from Love, Actually
and Rod (ew) Stewart.
Now I have such an aversion to Rod Stewart that when that song came on, the guy just got him self hypothetically fired.
There was also a magician there. He apparently gets hired to work the room after the ceremony when the guests are waiting for the food and the bride and groom are doing pictures. Clever and not as cheesy as I would have thought. That dead time is always the bane of every wedding I've been to. And he was pretty good, actually. But he may or may not have hit on me. You'll have to check with PB to be sure. I can't imagine my fictional fiance would have liked that.
But yes, that was the afternoon. Then I took myself to a movie and had dinner at SW house with a small group of the cohort. He made the best jambalaya I've ever had. I may just have to fictionally marry him for his cooking.
We start rehearsals back up again tomorrow. I'm pretty much ready. I think. It's difficult to tell. And I've also felt that lately I've not been able to sensor what I say at all. Which, ok, I've rarely had much of a sensor. But now I feel it's just pure poison of the mouth. Sometimes I need to just keep my mouth shut. Yes, I may tell the truth (or my truth at least), but truth, if not sought and does not enrich a conversation and when told is negative or puts someone in an ill light, does not always need to be told. It rarely does.
I feel like I can't help myself. The words have left my mouth and I realize they didn't need to be said. It makes me catty and rude. I havent' quite found my balance of private and public. I know I should be more private with things like...opinions. But I also feel suffocated when I keep too much in. Well, however which way you spin it, I shall work harder in speaking only to improve on silence.
Hope you all had a blessed Easter!
Thinking of you x
Friday, April 6, 2012
Blowin' Up Cats and Feckin' Septic Toes.
Let me start this by saying that I just finished having a very nice long lunch with SW. That's right, people, the friend I spoke about in the the last blog is on the mend, back in Glasgow, and by some miracle will be coming back to school when rehearsals begin back up on Tuesday. Nothing but the grace of God. Truly. He's sore, riding the emotional roller coaster, but to be honest he looked effing great. Fractured bones all over, but they couldn't really do much other than wish him the best of luck when he left the hospital. I am truly grateful that he has turned out alright.
As for the past two weeks...
I had a friend visit from America and we did a three day bus tour of Scotland. Isle of Skye, Loch Ness, Inverness, etc. The country is absolutely beautiful. Stunning. And somehow we got through the whole week without a lick of rain. I am now paying for it though in that we've had hail and arctic temperatures since then.
The tour itself was...how do I put this politely? ...it sucked. The driver was a bit of a stutterer. And when I mean bit, I mean HE STUTTERED. FOR THREE DAYS. And he felt the need to talk constantly. Now you must be saying to yourself, well now that's what tour guides do. But you don't understand. My friend began timing his silences in order see if there were any. One day we had a grand total of 11 minutes of silence. No, no. Not all in one go. That's TOTAL. And we were also sitting next to two guys from Holland who smelled and talked like the Swedish chef from the Muppets. There was one night that we were put up in a hostel in the same room as them as well...I didn't fall asleep till around 4am because of their snoring and passing gas in their sleep. Oh how they almost lost their lives. But hey. At least it was pretty.
This week was my placement in Edinburgh with the Royal Lyceum Theatre. They are rehearsing the show "The Lieutenant of Inishmore." A hysterical dark comedy that takes place in Ireland. I had originally seen it on Broadway a few years back so I was glad to have found this gig. In truth, I sat on my ass for seven hours a day and watched other people rehearse. But I still found it very useful.
For once it was a respectful, safe, encouraging rehearsal atmosphere. The director had complete control of the space without stifling the actor's creativity. He had the right balance of making decisions and letting the actors play. He helped them find their own justifications and still stayed on his time schedule. The play is being rehearsed for only three weeks and is very difficult with it comes to tech and props. There is a point where one cat gets blown up, three guys get shot point blank and tons of blood sprays the walls, then they get chopped up into bits and pieces, then another guy gets shot in the head twice. There's also a scene where a guy is being tortured and suspended upside down for a ten minute scene. All these things depend on health and safety mixed with believability and cooperation amongst all involved.
With the exception of one young actor, no apologies were ever made when they went up on their lines. The director would run a scene first, see where it's at (no matter how rough they plod through) and then he has somewhere to work from. This also allows the actors to find things for their character and for the scene without having to talk it to death first. This is how it is done, my friends. The director never belittled or criticized. He always said thank you. They all communicated and expressed their opinions with respect. They debated. Not argued. It makes all the difference.
Some notes from the director that resonated with me were:
"Enjoy your questions."
"Have faith [in the scene and writing.]"
"Watching yourself while acting is death to an actor."
"If the actor is worrying about technique while acting, you'll fuck yourself over."
"Just speak it. Just think it. It's there. Trust it. You'll never go wrong."
[On author McDonagh] "There's power in the logic. That's where the comedy is."
"Play the intentions of the line. Play the moment. Not what happens later. Not the backstory. You can't play Backstory. Backstory only helps inform the actor. Not the audience."
"Leave room for the tension [of the scene]. Never want to consummate too soon."
"We have to go through the period of thinking so we can get to the place where we can just BE."
The director just seemed to get it. Never squash the actor's creative mind. So you negotiate, maneuver, convince, and guide. Never shut down. If you shut down an actor, you will never get the best out of them and in the end, the best is the goal.
What was nice about being there is that nothing was over my head. I didn't feel out of place. I felt as though I could (and wanted to) get up there and hold my own and play with the other actors. These were quality actors even if they were of a different breed. Most that were up there were kinetic actors. They had to touch and feel their way. They wanted to just DO and not think. And actually the few times they got frustrated were the times when they got too cerebral. Their talent lay in their instincts. It makes them very good but very unpredictable. And sometimes inconsistant.
As a cerebral actor with kinetic tendencies, I am trying to become the best of both worlds. To Think when absolutely needed and in the preparation process. But to just let it go and DO when in the rehearsal room and performance. This is the goal.
We begin Duchess rehearsals again on Tuesday. I can't say I'm completely rested. But I AM ready to get back to it and become busy again. I've managed to still go to the gym 3-4 times a week and am going to sign up to do a cancer run 5k in June. I memorized my lines and hopefully can maintain this feeling of purpose and peace. I've had too much time to think about what is coming after school ends. And I wish I liked the picture I've been painting concerning it. But I don't. It freaks the hell out of me. But perhaps I should start recognizing that maybe, for once, things will be better than I imagine. Maybe things will be simpler, easier, more beautiful, more successful, more...well...just more. Maybe I need to start believing that it only gets better from here on out. What could it hurt?
Thinking of you x
As for the past two weeks...
I had a friend visit from America and we did a three day bus tour of Scotland. Isle of Skye, Loch Ness, Inverness, etc. The country is absolutely beautiful. Stunning. And somehow we got through the whole week without a lick of rain. I am now paying for it though in that we've had hail and arctic temperatures since then.
The tour itself was...how do I put this politely? ...it sucked. The driver was a bit of a stutterer. And when I mean bit, I mean HE STUTTERED. FOR THREE DAYS. And he felt the need to talk constantly. Now you must be saying to yourself, well now that's what tour guides do. But you don't understand. My friend began timing his silences in order see if there were any. One day we had a grand total of 11 minutes of silence. No, no. Not all in one go. That's TOTAL. And we were also sitting next to two guys from Holland who smelled and talked like the Swedish chef from the Muppets. There was one night that we were put up in a hostel in the same room as them as well...I didn't fall asleep till around 4am because of their snoring and passing gas in their sleep. Oh how they almost lost their lives. But hey. At least it was pretty.
This week was my placement in Edinburgh with the Royal Lyceum Theatre. They are rehearsing the show "The Lieutenant of Inishmore." A hysterical dark comedy that takes place in Ireland. I had originally seen it on Broadway a few years back so I was glad to have found this gig. In truth, I sat on my ass for seven hours a day and watched other people rehearse. But I still found it very useful.
For once it was a respectful, safe, encouraging rehearsal atmosphere. The director had complete control of the space without stifling the actor's creativity. He had the right balance of making decisions and letting the actors play. He helped them find their own justifications and still stayed on his time schedule. The play is being rehearsed for only three weeks and is very difficult with it comes to tech and props. There is a point where one cat gets blown up, three guys get shot point blank and tons of blood sprays the walls, then they get chopped up into bits and pieces, then another guy gets shot in the head twice. There's also a scene where a guy is being tortured and suspended upside down for a ten minute scene. All these things depend on health and safety mixed with believability and cooperation amongst all involved.
With the exception of one young actor, no apologies were ever made when they went up on their lines. The director would run a scene first, see where it's at (no matter how rough they plod through) and then he has somewhere to work from. This also allows the actors to find things for their character and for the scene without having to talk it to death first. This is how it is done, my friends. The director never belittled or criticized. He always said thank you. They all communicated and expressed their opinions with respect. They debated. Not argued. It makes all the difference.
Some notes from the director that resonated with me were:
"Enjoy your questions."
"Have faith [in the scene and writing.]"
"Watching yourself while acting is death to an actor."
"If the actor is worrying about technique while acting, you'll fuck yourself over."
"Just speak it. Just think it. It's there. Trust it. You'll never go wrong."
[On author McDonagh] "There's power in the logic. That's where the comedy is."
"Play the intentions of the line. Play the moment. Not what happens later. Not the backstory. You can't play Backstory. Backstory only helps inform the actor. Not the audience."
"Leave room for the tension [of the scene]. Never want to consummate too soon."
"We have to go through the period of thinking so we can get to the place where we can just BE."
The director just seemed to get it. Never squash the actor's creative mind. So you negotiate, maneuver, convince, and guide. Never shut down. If you shut down an actor, you will never get the best out of them and in the end, the best is the goal.
What was nice about being there is that nothing was over my head. I didn't feel out of place. I felt as though I could (and wanted to) get up there and hold my own and play with the other actors. These were quality actors even if they were of a different breed. Most that were up there were kinetic actors. They had to touch and feel their way. They wanted to just DO and not think. And actually the few times they got frustrated were the times when they got too cerebral. Their talent lay in their instincts. It makes them very good but very unpredictable. And sometimes inconsistant.
As a cerebral actor with kinetic tendencies, I am trying to become the best of both worlds. To Think when absolutely needed and in the preparation process. But to just let it go and DO when in the rehearsal room and performance. This is the goal.
We begin Duchess rehearsals again on Tuesday. I can't say I'm completely rested. But I AM ready to get back to it and become busy again. I've managed to still go to the gym 3-4 times a week and am going to sign up to do a cancer run 5k in June. I memorized my lines and hopefully can maintain this feeling of purpose and peace. I've had too much time to think about what is coming after school ends. And I wish I liked the picture I've been painting concerning it. But I don't. It freaks the hell out of me. But perhaps I should start recognizing that maybe, for once, things will be better than I imagine. Maybe things will be simpler, easier, more beautiful, more successful, more...well...just more. Maybe I need to start believing that it only gets better from here on out. What could it hurt?
Thinking of you x
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Peace for me, Prayer for a Friend.
A week of hibernating and it's still not enough. After last writing, I managed to hair model at the BBC Scotland for a couple of days. I enjoyed it and learned a lot about 1940's/50s hair and wigs. It inspired me to cut my bangs and look into investing for a whole new wardrobe someday. The woman over seeing it won an academy award for "La Vie en Rose" and also did hair for Gosford Park and The Duchess. And though it took days to get all the hairspray and wig glue out of my hair, it was nice to get all gussied up for a bit.
After that, I pretty much took four days to disappear. I mostly either went to the gym or watched old hollywood films and a marathon of all three seasons of True Blood. That was it. I've been off my emotional rocker so I needed to just take time to square myself and find perspective with everything: where I'm going to move next, what type of career I want, what are my flaws and downfalls, what might hold me back, money, loneliness, finding peace over this Malfi project, and just allowing myself to be absolutely grumpy for a while. It was not long enough but it certainly helped.
This weekend I went with AK to her home of Fife. She took me on a road trip to three beaches, small towns, an old church on the sea, the best fish and chips in Scotland, and we had mint chocolate chip ice cream cones. It was so relaxing and peaceful. AK is the kind of friend you could take anywhere and either be ridiculous with or quiet. It's nice. AND she let me play whatever music I wanted in the car. Can we say 90s mix tapes and teen pop ballads? Oh, yeah. That happened.
Scotland is really one of the prettiest places I've ever been. Reminds me so much of where I grew up. When you get out of the city, it's green everywhere. The weather is completely menopausal. One minute it's sun, then clouds, then rain, then warm, then cold. There was one point when we were walking along the smooth sandy beach of Tentsmuir, one way it was a light breeze and sun, and on the way back, out of nowhere, a thick blanket of fog closed in on us. Within minutes we could no longer see further than fifteen feet in front of us. AK said, "this is the point in the film where we would get murdered." I was actually thinking the same thing, "shouldn't we be running for our lives or something?"
But it was truly a nice quick getaway. Just M&Ms, a car named Beth, mixed tapes, and a beach. And the small villages are places that make me wish I could just be some sort of recluse writer that holed up in her small house near the sea and only be seen when her publisher is begging for the next manuscript. What would life be like if your biggest worry is what to plant in your garden this season? Although, in truth, I'd probably manage to get bored with myself within days and I've got a black thumb and would kill anything I tried to grow instantly. But one can dream.
As for a Prayer for a Friend.
I have a friend here in our cohort who has had probably the worst luck in the history of the universe. I love my friend, SW. He is one of the smartest people I know with his two masters degrees and quiz night knowledge. He's one of those people who can take you to the art museum and walk painting by painting giving you a full history of british monarchy and politics just by identifying the art. On pub quiz nights, I'll be overjoyed when I get 1 out of 25 questions right, and he'll already have had the answer for the other 24. My question is usually something stupid like which Elvis song was also a movie but it's also the only movie in which he dies in the end? P.s. the answer is Love Me Tender. But I digress. Anyway, SW also happens to be one of the most tenderhearted guys I know, while at the same time is also overtly blunt and honest. You know that when he starts a sentence in his Geordie accent, "I'm not trying to be funny but..." that the next words coming out of his mouth will be direct and a bit...saucy...for lack of a better word. And I love that. Because I know he doesn't pansy-ass around a point. And he says what most people are thinking. He'd also go out of his way to be there for a friend, would protect a stranger, would see five films at the cinema in one day and give you a review of each when he's done, and, to me at least, listens when I have something to say. And he makes me laugh.
SW has had a few accidents this year from a variety of unlucky moments, and this week he's had the worst one of all. He's ok but he's banged up pretty bad from a car accident. I know he's going to be ok. But it sure couldn't hurt to have a few extra prayers and good vibes sent out to the cosmos on his behalf. So if you wouldn't mind, before you go to beddy bye tonight, do me a huge favor and send one up to your deity of choice for him. I'd be ever so grateful.
Thanks so much. xoxo
After that, I pretty much took four days to disappear. I mostly either went to the gym or watched old hollywood films and a marathon of all three seasons of True Blood. That was it. I've been off my emotional rocker so I needed to just take time to square myself and find perspective with everything: where I'm going to move next, what type of career I want, what are my flaws and downfalls, what might hold me back, money, loneliness, finding peace over this Malfi project, and just allowing myself to be absolutely grumpy for a while. It was not long enough but it certainly helped.
This weekend I went with AK to her home of Fife. She took me on a road trip to three beaches, small towns, an old church on the sea, the best fish and chips in Scotland, and we had mint chocolate chip ice cream cones. It was so relaxing and peaceful. AK is the kind of friend you could take anywhere and either be ridiculous with or quiet. It's nice. AND she let me play whatever music I wanted in the car. Can we say 90s mix tapes and teen pop ballads? Oh, yeah. That happened.
Scotland is really one of the prettiest places I've ever been. Reminds me so much of where I grew up. When you get out of the city, it's green everywhere. The weather is completely menopausal. One minute it's sun, then clouds, then rain, then warm, then cold. There was one point when we were walking along the smooth sandy beach of Tentsmuir, one way it was a light breeze and sun, and on the way back, out of nowhere, a thick blanket of fog closed in on us. Within minutes we could no longer see further than fifteen feet in front of us. AK said, "this is the point in the film where we would get murdered." I was actually thinking the same thing, "shouldn't we be running for our lives or something?"
But it was truly a nice quick getaway. Just M&Ms, a car named Beth, mixed tapes, and a beach. And the small villages are places that make me wish I could just be some sort of recluse writer that holed up in her small house near the sea and only be seen when her publisher is begging for the next manuscript. What would life be like if your biggest worry is what to plant in your garden this season? Although, in truth, I'd probably manage to get bored with myself within days and I've got a black thumb and would kill anything I tried to grow instantly. But one can dream.
As for a Prayer for a Friend.
I have a friend here in our cohort who has had probably the worst luck in the history of the universe. I love my friend, SW. He is one of the smartest people I know with his two masters degrees and quiz night knowledge. He's one of those people who can take you to the art museum and walk painting by painting giving you a full history of british monarchy and politics just by identifying the art. On pub quiz nights, I'll be overjoyed when I get 1 out of 25 questions right, and he'll already have had the answer for the other 24. My question is usually something stupid like which Elvis song was also a movie but it's also the only movie in which he dies in the end? P.s. the answer is Love Me Tender. But I digress. Anyway, SW also happens to be one of the most tenderhearted guys I know, while at the same time is also overtly blunt and honest. You know that when he starts a sentence in his Geordie accent, "I'm not trying to be funny but..." that the next words coming out of his mouth will be direct and a bit...saucy...for lack of a better word. And I love that. Because I know he doesn't pansy-ass around a point. And he says what most people are thinking. He'd also go out of his way to be there for a friend, would protect a stranger, would see five films at the cinema in one day and give you a review of each when he's done, and, to me at least, listens when I have something to say. And he makes me laugh.
SW has had a few accidents this year from a variety of unlucky moments, and this week he's had the worst one of all. He's ok but he's banged up pretty bad from a car accident. I know he's going to be ok. But it sure couldn't hurt to have a few extra prayers and good vibes sent out to the cosmos on his behalf. So if you wouldn't mind, before you go to beddy bye tonight, do me a huge favor and send one up to your deity of choice for him. I'd be ever so grateful.
Thanks so much. xoxo
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Recharging and Fish Net Stockings. oooo boo boo honey child.
This week has been odd. In an unsettling way. We've had no classes or rehearsals so I know I should feel that sort of release that you get when you realize you are on vacation. But I don't. And that sucks. I can't seem to unwind.
Rehearsals last week did not end well in my mind. I have this nagging feeling that the director thinks our cast is crap and that I don't know how to think for myself. It's one thing to be disliked for actual truths about yourself. I can almost handle that (though I really hate being disliked), but when I am disliked for something that is not true, then that really irks me. I KNOW HOW TO THINK FOR MYSELF. When you are in a rehearsal room, the issues are rarely the fault of a single person. So, I will take responsibility for any closed mindedness I may have, for my facial expressions which have a life of their own when I am displeased, and for the billions of questions I always feel bubbling inside me and occasionally get asked. But I will not apologize for being confused or for feeling like I am not respected. The role I have does not actually exist in the play. It is a mixture of four parts and it has changed from being a Concept role, to a sadist, to a Mary Poppins on crack, to a school marm undertaker, to an efficient mother, and now who knows what. So I think I am entitled to be a little confused. And I understand that I am supposed to make my own decisions about a role and that that is my job. But I think I should have a jumping off point so that I have some structure. I do not like feeling lost. And I get the feeling that I am not the only one in this cast who feels this. My mistake,in sum, has been caring entirely too much about what this guy thinks and placing way too much emphasis on this project as if it epitomizes my career. This is a blip on my radar, people. Perspective. Must keep that in mind. ...but I never like feeling like I'm shite. And I never like feeling like my best is not good enough. I have felt both these things. And I hate that I am tempted to settle for luke warm characterization. I deserve better than that. And so does my cast. So. I am using these next three weeks to complete my rather large "To Do" list, but also to do some serious jesus-prayin' that I find a way to put whatever bitterness I have aside so that I can walk back into that rehearsal room after break, refreshed, open, and not with an impulse to flip the bird every two seconds. That is my goal. It's gonna take a lot of prayin.'
Anyway. Last Saturday I managed to go to Oran Mor (an old cathedral that was converted into a pub and theatre) for A Play, Pie, and a Pint. Which is exactly what it sounds like. You get to watch a play while enjoying a pint and meat pie. I've given up drinking for the next couple of weeks so I stuck with diet coke, but it was fine because I really enjoyed the show. Then we went to a pub to watch my first Rugby match (Scotland v Ireland). I lasted about 90 minutes before I realized I was falling asleep. It wasn't boring! I swear! But my body has been crashing from all the excess work. Sometimes you never realize how tired you are until you stop moving and thinking. So I spent all Sunday watching a marathon of True Blood and sleeping.
Monday was my first costume fitting for Duchess of Malfi. It was what it was. Some of the decisions made have helped me get an idea of where my character is actually supposed to go so it was useful. It's funny when you've got a picture of who you think you are in your head, then you put on the clothing options and realize...wow...I've been so wrong. So THIS is where you want me to go with it!
I also spent the morning with AK and KS watching them take headshots. I always love a good photo shoot.
Tuesday was the audition for As You Like It for the Bard in the Botanics. Basically it's a summer festival where you perform Shakespeare outside in the botanical gardens. This year they were looking for Phoebe and also two male parts. The audition was fine. I find if I got through the monologue and gave it my best shot, then it was a success. We don't find out for a week or so but I am fine either way. Either I get it, or I am taking a trip to Malta. It's a WIN-WIN.
I also had a meeting with the head of opera at RCS with a few of my other cohort members. He is putting on a sort of benefit dinner in Edinburgh to promote the RCS and help gain scholarship funds and the theme is Shakespeare. I was asked to perform a few Sonnets for the evening. Pretty neat, they feed us and everythin'. :)
Tuesday night was our cohort's (a tradition now, I think) Brinner night. Breakfast for dinner to celebrate the end of our term. I brought breakfast burritos this time. It was many an hour of just sitting back, eating, and relaxing.
Wednesday was rehearsal for On the Verge with PB. As per usual, it was fun and inventive. Our assignment was to make a "mix tape" for our significant other in the project and find reasons behind each song. We've also been assigned an element (earth, fire, air, water) to work with so that we start to deviate from our actual selves in the improvs. My element is water and the more I study about it the more I'm like, "Ew." It's all about feelings and needs and shit. Sigh. Not that I don't have them. I can actually be quite emotional and needy. Which is why I keep a tight leash on stuff like that. It's hard for me to respect women who have an excess of that. Ok, that's sounds really bad. But I just keep picturing those women I see who are all over their guys like, "save me save me! I can't open this peanut butter jar and need your big stwong hands to hewp me. boo hoo hoo." But I just have to remember that my mother is a water person. And she's not like that. She's the most feeling person I know. But it's not neediness. It's empathy. It's those kinds of people that when they love, they love big. Which is scary for me to think about doing. These people are the bravest because it's more important to love someone then to worry about being rejected. This also makes them incredibly sensitive as well. It will be an interesting challenge. Let's see if I chicken out. Bets, anyone?
Today was my last costume fitting of the week. This time for my appearance as a whore in Measure for Measure. I am SOOOOO glad I've been going to the gym, because wowzers. We're talking tacky strappy blue heels, fishnet stockings, stretchy animal print short skirt, open teal lace up corset-ish thing with only a black bra underneath, blue synthetic bob wig, red fishnet gloves, pimp daddy dollar sign ring, large light blue hoop earrings from the 80s, and a feather boa. uh whuuuuuuuuuuuuuh? Baby boo boo honey child, I am gooooooooood lookin'. It is certainly a side of me that many have not seen before. But I am actually, as of now, fairly comfortable in it. But I will certainly not be slacking off on the treadmill over the next six weeks.
Well, that about wraps it up. I have hair modeling tomorrow at BBC Scotland. They are doing master classes for period hair from the 1900s to present. The lady in charge of it is Academy Award winning I think. She may have done the hair for Sense and Sensibility if I remember correctly. So that will be fun, I hope. But it's an early morning so off to beddy bye, I go.
Thinking of you x
Rehearsals last week did not end well in my mind. I have this nagging feeling that the director thinks our cast is crap and that I don't know how to think for myself. It's one thing to be disliked for actual truths about yourself. I can almost handle that (though I really hate being disliked), but when I am disliked for something that is not true, then that really irks me. I KNOW HOW TO THINK FOR MYSELF. When you are in a rehearsal room, the issues are rarely the fault of a single person. So, I will take responsibility for any closed mindedness I may have, for my facial expressions which have a life of their own when I am displeased, and for the billions of questions I always feel bubbling inside me and occasionally get asked. But I will not apologize for being confused or for feeling like I am not respected. The role I have does not actually exist in the play. It is a mixture of four parts and it has changed from being a Concept role, to a sadist, to a Mary Poppins on crack, to a school marm undertaker, to an efficient mother, and now who knows what. So I think I am entitled to be a little confused. And I understand that I am supposed to make my own decisions about a role and that that is my job. But I think I should have a jumping off point so that I have some structure. I do not like feeling lost. And I get the feeling that I am not the only one in this cast who feels this. My mistake,in sum, has been caring entirely too much about what this guy thinks and placing way too much emphasis on this project as if it epitomizes my career. This is a blip on my radar, people. Perspective. Must keep that in mind. ...but I never like feeling like I'm shite. And I never like feeling like my best is not good enough. I have felt both these things. And I hate that I am tempted to settle for luke warm characterization. I deserve better than that. And so does my cast. So. I am using these next three weeks to complete my rather large "To Do" list, but also to do some serious jesus-prayin' that I find a way to put whatever bitterness I have aside so that I can walk back into that rehearsal room after break, refreshed, open, and not with an impulse to flip the bird every two seconds. That is my goal. It's gonna take a lot of prayin.'
Anyway. Last Saturday I managed to go to Oran Mor (an old cathedral that was converted into a pub and theatre) for A Play, Pie, and a Pint. Which is exactly what it sounds like. You get to watch a play while enjoying a pint and meat pie. I've given up drinking for the next couple of weeks so I stuck with diet coke, but it was fine because I really enjoyed the show. Then we went to a pub to watch my first Rugby match (Scotland v Ireland). I lasted about 90 minutes before I realized I was falling asleep. It wasn't boring! I swear! But my body has been crashing from all the excess work. Sometimes you never realize how tired you are until you stop moving and thinking. So I spent all Sunday watching a marathon of True Blood and sleeping.
Monday was my first costume fitting for Duchess of Malfi. It was what it was. Some of the decisions made have helped me get an idea of where my character is actually supposed to go so it was useful. It's funny when you've got a picture of who you think you are in your head, then you put on the clothing options and realize...wow...I've been so wrong. So THIS is where you want me to go with it!
I also spent the morning with AK and KS watching them take headshots. I always love a good photo shoot.
Tuesday was the audition for As You Like It for the Bard in the Botanics. Basically it's a summer festival where you perform Shakespeare outside in the botanical gardens. This year they were looking for Phoebe and also two male parts. The audition was fine. I find if I got through the monologue and gave it my best shot, then it was a success. We don't find out for a week or so but I am fine either way. Either I get it, or I am taking a trip to Malta. It's a WIN-WIN.
I also had a meeting with the head of opera at RCS with a few of my other cohort members. He is putting on a sort of benefit dinner in Edinburgh to promote the RCS and help gain scholarship funds and the theme is Shakespeare. I was asked to perform a few Sonnets for the evening. Pretty neat, they feed us and everythin'. :)
Tuesday night was our cohort's (a tradition now, I think) Brinner night. Breakfast for dinner to celebrate the end of our term. I brought breakfast burritos this time. It was many an hour of just sitting back, eating, and relaxing.
Wednesday was rehearsal for On the Verge with PB. As per usual, it was fun and inventive. Our assignment was to make a "mix tape" for our significant other in the project and find reasons behind each song. We've also been assigned an element (earth, fire, air, water) to work with so that we start to deviate from our actual selves in the improvs. My element is water and the more I study about it the more I'm like, "Ew." It's all about feelings and needs and shit. Sigh. Not that I don't have them. I can actually be quite emotional and needy. Which is why I keep a tight leash on stuff like that. It's hard for me to respect women who have an excess of that. Ok, that's sounds really bad. But I just keep picturing those women I see who are all over their guys like, "save me save me! I can't open this peanut butter jar and need your big stwong hands to hewp me. boo hoo hoo." But I just have to remember that my mother is a water person. And she's not like that. She's the most feeling person I know. But it's not neediness. It's empathy. It's those kinds of people that when they love, they love big. Which is scary for me to think about doing. These people are the bravest because it's more important to love someone then to worry about being rejected. This also makes them incredibly sensitive as well. It will be an interesting challenge. Let's see if I chicken out. Bets, anyone?
Today was my last costume fitting of the week. This time for my appearance as a whore in Measure for Measure. I am SOOOOO glad I've been going to the gym, because wowzers. We're talking tacky strappy blue heels, fishnet stockings, stretchy animal print short skirt, open teal lace up corset-ish thing with only a black bra underneath, blue synthetic bob wig, red fishnet gloves, pimp daddy dollar sign ring, large light blue hoop earrings from the 80s, and a feather boa. uh whuuuuuuuuuuuuuh? Baby boo boo honey child, I am gooooooooood lookin'. It is certainly a side of me that many have not seen before. But I am actually, as of now, fairly comfortable in it. But I will certainly not be slacking off on the treadmill over the next six weeks.
Well, that about wraps it up. I have hair modeling tomorrow at BBC Scotland. They are doing master classes for period hair from the 1900s to present. The lady in charge of it is Academy Award winning I think. She may have done the hair for Sense and Sensibility if I remember correctly. So that will be fun, I hope. But it's an early morning so off to beddy bye, I go.
Thinking of you x
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