Beginning Again. The Last Entry.

Beginning again.  How many more times will I have to start over?  How many more moves? Jobs? Will I ever stay in one place?  Will it ever feel right? I. Have. No. Idea.

 

The year is over.  One of my goals was to get my Masters in Acting by the time I was thirty.  My birthday is in 8 minutes.  And I did it.  And I have had the best year of my life so far.  I began this year unhappy, flabby, dissatisfied, scared, and without hope that I could be a working actor but knowing there was nothing else in the world I could see myself doing.  I am leaving grad school happy, toned, stable (as stable as an actor can be), still scared, but KNOWING I can do this. 

I know the unpredictability of this business.  I know that even if I were the next Meryl Streep, it wouldn’t be worth a damn without a little luck and being in the right place at the right time.  I may never get the career I want.  But I know it will not be for the lack of trying.  I know I will be brave enough to show up.  I am ready for that. 

There may have been Olympic sized flaws to this programme, but being able to walk out of here with that self knowledge, willingness, and drive, has made the debt, the intense highs and lows, and the loneliness all worth it.  I know what it is to be unhappy.  And I know what it is that makes me that way.  Therefore, I know how much I appreciate a good day, a happy moment, and an instant of progress.  I value every opportunity I have been given. I am so lucky.  I have lived in Europe for a year.  Studying and doing what I love.  With good people.

But though I wish my stay in the UK were longer, it is time to go. 

As for all of you out there who have kept up with this blog, thank you.  You have kept me honest.  I did not know that writing this would be therapeutic, a creative outlet, and a way for me to know myself better.  I don’t know how I’ll do without it.  It has been my comfort and my release.  It has been my conscience and my connection with the world outside my head.  There have been people who have written me, people whom I’ve not spoken to in years sometimes, and tell me that I either made them laugh or that they felt the same way.  It’s nice to know that it has done some good.  And it certainly made me feel less lonely. 

Sometimes when I speak to people, I don’t know how much I actually say or how much of what I want to say comes across in real life.  But this blog has been the first time where my thoughts and words feel like they connected.  So thank you for tagging along.  Thank you for my peace of mind. 

I don’t know if I’ll start another blog.  Maybe when I get back to New York City.  Maybe not.  Maybe it’s not good to let people see too much of your life for too long.  We’ll see.    Whatever is next, I just pray that it’s better; that things just keep getting better.  That I keep getting better. 

We are works in progress.  We are ever evolving.  Ever reaching.  And ever hopeful.

So.  Here’s to new beginnings…again.

 

Thinking of you   x