I put my sunglasses in the refrigerator. I don't recall when or how. All I know is I went to get my lunch yesterday, opened the door, and there they were. I suppose that's a good sign of being slightly burned out.
The week has been epic. Thank God I wrote little notes here and there as to what I did or else I'd never have remembered. This was the last full week of rehearsals and it was filled to the brim. I found I was in school mostly from 9am to 9pm with the occasional excursion.
Monday was a group warm up with Voice teacher Bill Wright. I did not care for him in term 1. But I have to say that he's totally growing on me. He stayed the entire day working on people's diction, scansion, and delivery and it changed many scenes into something that was actually understandable. So good on ya, Bill. That and he's got a lovely sense of humor that sneaks in out of no where.
We also brought in our child actor who plays the Duchess' son. We are using RG, the son of one of our cast mates. This little boy is delightful, sensitive, and extremely friendly. And frankly, if anyone is going to get an agent out of this project, it will be him. He does a beautiful job and makes us all a little weepy.
Tuesday was the fourteen hour day that would never end. The plan was to go in to Measure for Measure for a full run of the show with full cast (including all prostitutes for the first time). It was so nice to see the other half of the group working. It seems so long since we've felt a part of them. And the show was in really solid shape. It is clear though that Malfi and Measure have had two completely different rehearsal processes. I believe this run through would have made their fifteenth. While Malfi as of that day was working on run number two. uh...no, we'll be fine. yup. fine. [exhales sharply]
Then following the Measure run we did a full Malfi run with all of the cast for the first time. Our run did not go as well. Our pacing was so far off that it felt like it added ten minutes. oh wait. That's because it did. By then I was a bit ragged and not feeling well and emotional and disappointed and just utterly female that I needed a good cry. And I DEFINITELY needed to get out of that rehearsal room. I will say that Monday and Tuesday were the first days in over two months where I felt that the cast and the director began to actually work together and make progress. That being said, we are all just burned out.
But alas, the day was far from over. That night was the night of the Edinburgh banquet where a few of us were asked to perform some Shakespeare pieces for the President of the school, the executive board of directors, and some possible future donors. I was incredibly nervous due to the fact that I only learned my pieces a week ago, had never fully performed them in front of people, and my brain had begun to short circuit.
But the people I was travelling with made it very hard to stay in a bad mood. JS and LF always make me laugh, AK keeps things light, and DS sends kindness and understanding your way so it would be impossible to sulk. By the time we got off the train Iwas feeling a bit better and was determined not to let anyone see how badly my hands were shaking and the panic. I find if I can keep my hands busy and warm, it helps. So I peeled a piece of plastic off of something and played with it in my hands as I ran through the monologue. I forced myself not to overrun it as well. When I'm uncertain of a piece, all I wanna do is repeat it until it is run into the ground and instead I find I get more and more upset and panicked when I skip over lines.
I slow my heart rate down by breathing and counting and run the monologue quietly maybe once every fifteen minutes or so, telling myself, "you know it. stop pretending that you don't." because it often is a battle for me. I've spoken about this before. My stage fright is sometimes so severe that it makes me want to never perform again. But in the past year, I've found ways of fooling myself into believing that I'm pretty good. And pretty soon, There is no fooling. I just believe I can do it. You would think though that once I was convinced, that that would be the end of it. But alas, no. It is a continual battle. One side saying "you are going to fuck up." and the other that says, "you are better than you think." This is the first year though that the latter voice has won out more than the former. I think that that's what happened to my singing. The "fuck up" voice won. and I let it. I'll be damned if I let that happen in acting.
Besides. there's something about acting that just always felt right. Not comfortable. But that it clicked. and it never bores me. I like the challenge of a role that I'm not sure I can do and then trying to find a way to do it. I dont mind a little anxiety, it keeps things alive. But out right fear is another thing all together.
After the performance (which went extremely well and I thank God for it) I had to sit down in a chair for a bit. Well that's new, I thought to myself, the anxiety came after the performance. huh. Well that I can handle. Because the jobs already done. Oh wait...now we have to have dinner and shmooze with the wealthy people of edinburgh. oh god. I'm awful at networking. I mean, I can do it. Ten years of job's daughters, public speaking competitions, and pageants taught me well. But I've never been comfortable doing it. I suppose that's a part of me that I get from my dad; conversing with strangers without a purpose or function is weird. And even weirder is conversing with strangers to get something from them. I suppose it helped not realizing just how wealthy these people were. Later I would come to find out that "wealthy" would hardly cover what they were.
Anyway, we managed to make the head of our programme proud and the people were very very nice (with the exception of that one waiter who is SO lucky I had three glasses of free wine or else he woulda found himself getting a swirly in the toilet. The asswipe. oop! sorry. keep it classy...).
Anyway, in case you were wondering, the two pieces I performed were Enobarbus from Antony and Cleopatra and also my favorite sonnet of all time #116.
I am grateful for every performance that I pull off. I never take it for granted or expect things to go off without a hitch. Ever.
Wednesday. oof. Only halfway through the week.
We worked mainly on trust and pace picker upper exercises. Which were very good. Only, I sat on my ass for most of it. In truth, I was in the rehearsal room from 9-6...but I was only worked 5pm-6pm. But I managed to fit in a gym session and I understand that having other people in the room during some exercises helps other actors get where they need to go. So I was only half ticked off. Mostly I was just still so exhausted from the day before.
The exercises:
Flying and Falling. We would walk around the room continually in any which way. Then suddenly and randomly someone would raise an arm and say either Falling (and fall completely backwards) or Flying (and faceplant themselves). It was our responsibility as a unit to catch them, lift them above our heads and walk them around the space. It can be quite frightening and a nice check in as to how much trust you have. It was also nice that the director participated and even used himself as bait for the first few times. Showing us that he trusted us. It was very much needed. The more I work with him, the more I realize that we, as a collective, are insecure. He, as a director, is insecure. And if you put 12 insecure intellectuals in a room together (ok, not all 12 of us but as a collective we are) then you get a big hot mess with a lot of tension and ugliness. So trust is exactly what we need. The director has also managed to curb his harshness by about 60% which is pretty good for him. There is now room in the room for progress.
The other exercise had us standing in a circle and running the scenes. We would jump into the circle on our cues, and the focus was on pace. It was exhausting standing for hours on the outskirts because you had to be engaged even when you weren't speaking. But it changed our whole first half so I know it will pay off in the end. As I said, I understand the need to have those in the scene to help the ones leading it. It adds to the atmosphere (paper research) and completes the energy. It's almost worthless to rehearse these particular scenes without all being there because you aren't using all the factors needed. It would be like building a house using chewed bubblegum to keep the walls together. It sticks for a while but in the end it falls apart.
Thursday brought a morning run through which went Soooooo much better. And then it was off to tech Measure for Measure. For the first time I put on the whore costume in full. ...wowzah. Um, the amount of boobage is stunning. And then following that, back to Malfi rehearsal again where I waited three hours to say one line.
Friday was another 9am call time where we dragged all the props and furniture into the rehearsal room to find out which pieces we may actually use. Some of us were bouncing back and forth to the Measure tech so we were never a complete group and therefore couldn't really rehearse many scenes. I managed to clean up a few loose ends to a couple of my scenes and then off to get whored up for the full dress rehearsal of Measure for Measure. It's been so long since I've been in a show with full lights and sound. Normally I'm the one behind the table calling the show. It's a nice change. And since I don't really do much other than shake my tail feather and grab a few guys hind-ends, I can sit back and enjoy my other castmates work. We ended the night and a very long week at the Flying Duck pub where it took only two Heineken to send me into happy land. huzzah.
Next week is our (Malfi) brutal two day tech, a couple of run throughs, and then starting Weds, our shows begin in Rep. I don't even have time to really dwell on the fact that it is almost May. Whoa.
Thinking of you. x
p.s. Happy Birthday to my Bro. Love you.
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