There are times when I go through a few days (sometimes weeks) when I feel uber sensitive and lost. Over the years, I've learned that that's just a part of what makes me tick and that the only thing I can do is ride it out and pray I don't make a damn fool of myself in the meantime.
These are times when I am thankful for whatever censor or shred of filter I may have.
The past week, unfortunately, has been one of those times. If I'm argued with over something petty or over the literal meaning over something, I want to scream. If I get a note from the director (or Don't get a note) I want to scream. If I am running late, trip over my own feet, stutter over my own words, anything. I get so upset with myself. Then I remember, Oh Stacy, this is one of your crazy times. Let that go.
It doesn't help that the rehearsal process is still one that I can't wait to be over. I'm exhausted waking up every morning at 7:30 and already putting on armor because I know I'm going to need it. I spend most my days standing in for missing actors or marking the blocking for the "attendants" then I do in my own part. But at least I am doing something. It was much worse when I had to sit for days in the room and do nothing.
A few good things from the process however, are that we had our first run through yesterday and it went so much better than any of us ever dreamed. Even el dictator director was slightly impressed, and I quote, "I hesitate to say this but, this has the potential of being quite good." ...praise indeed.
Another good thing is the four "attendants" from the Measure cast who join us here and there in rehearsals. They bring in an energy that lifts the room up a bit and it is SO much easier playing off of them than when have to talk to the air and pretend someone is there. For moments, the world is complete and even at times fun. Not to mention that the director is a bit softer with us when they are there.
And lastly, on the good front, I have gotten to get to know a few other people in our cast a bit better. We've found ways to support each other and make each other laugh and have learned how to gage what moods we are in and how to avoid most conflicts. SG does a particular dance with a tiny jacket on that works everytime for me. FM quotes awful pop songs and does accents. LM gives good hugs and screams like a girl. AK also gives good hugs and has an amazing Bob Dylan impression. KS (also a hugger) has a ridiculous super hero stance that lights up my life. MAR does crazy voices with his intense melancholic monologues. And so on and so on. We've got about two weeks of this left. We're going to be fine.
But the emotional sensitivity is just that bit of extra doo-doo that I don't need. And have you ever realized that that is the exact time that the small stuff happens? Yesterday, I come home exhausted and go to the kitchen and open up the fridge only to find that the fridge broke sometime during the day. We share it with other people on our floor. They moved all their food to other fridges but left mine. And half had begun to spoil already. I stared at the fridge, at my food inside, and walked away. I got ready to go to the birthday dinner of LF, got fancied up, looked at the clock, I'm running late, grab my bag, and walk out the door. ...I looked down at said bag...I grabbed my school bag instead of my purse. I had locked myself out of my room. My keys, phone, wallet, everything was inside the room. (insert rather graphic profanity here). Ok, breathe, no problem. I go down to the reception desk to ask the security guard to let me in and pray it's not the dude who always looks at me in a skeevy way. ....no one is there at the desk. (insert another creative curse here). I pace back and forth in my heels waiting....waiting....waiting....the scream is coming people. If that guard doesnt get here in two....he arrives ten minutes later...it's the same dude. Shit. Sigh.
He walks me to my door and I'm like "ugh. He knows my room number now." But whatever. I get in, hurl my school bag across the room, grab my purse, wait 30 seconds so I am sure I don't have to ride the elevator with kreepy mckreeperson guard and then walk out into the rain. RAIN. eff you, Scotland. We're in a fight.
How will this night be redeemed you ask? Well, by having a three hour birthday dinner in a fantastic restaurant with amazing seafood, good sauvignon blanc, and good people. Expensive? Yes. But while money can't buy happiness, it can sure help a shit-creek day. Well spent.
This weekend is a mix of catching up on all the chores I've missed since I've had 9am-9pm rehearsals all week, going to the gym, finding some girl time with a couple friends, and then going over the script. Again. I will not be beaten by this part. Am I frustrated with it? Yes. Is it coming along? yes. Is it my best work? absolutely not. And I hate that. I hate feeling like my work is slipping. Or that I am unable to figure a role out. I have never been this far along the process and have felt like I've no idea who I am. I will admit that it is not for the lack of trying. I remind myself that this role doesn't actually exist in the script. That the director's favorite phrase is "I Don't Know" so he's been no help other than confusing me further. And I also remind myself that it is a "crazy sensitive" phase right now. So I'm cutting myself some slack.
You only fail if you do nothing. You only fail if you do not try. Failure comes to those who do not show up. What is it they always say? In order to have a chance at winning the lottery...you have to buy a ticket.
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