And Then I Had Waffles...

I made the mistake of trying to be responsible and search online for jobs back in the States. I thought, hey I'll get a head start. I'll put feelers out. I'll be aggressive and proactive.
So what did I do?  I began looking on playbill.com and the theatre posting website in WA State. Just to cover both my bases. And you know what it did...? It freaked me the fuck out!
Seriously! What the hell am I thinking? All the jobs are Equity that I want to go to but they won't even see me because I'm not Union. Then there's the so-so jobs that don't pay enough for you to live on.
It isn't like I forgot about this conundrum that always existed but what I did forget about is the unbelievable frustration you feel when you recognize that concrete wall five inches from your face.
Hello again, wall. Remember me? It's Stacy. I'll be repeatedly smacking my cranium against your cold lifeless surface in the hope that someday I'll break through you and get to the other side where my desired standard of living resides. I would appreciate it if you'd let me do that by the time I'm fifty. Please and thank you.

It worries me how quickly I think, ugh look at all those posts for tech work. you're good at tech work. people were throwing tech work at you. You should do that.  You could get tech work on a cruise line, work for them for 6months and pay off a third of your loans. 6 months. 
...BUT you ain' no spring chicken no mo'. Do you really want to prolong the career that you've always wanted? Haven't you done that long enough? But then again, you could spend the next ten years paying back those loans while you work at starbucks (if they'll even have you. p.s. Dude, cut a girl a break, Mr. Bucks of the Star, and give me a damn job for the holiday season) doing half ass theatre work because that's the only thing you can handle with your work schedule that you need since you are paying your loan payments. gah!

Then there are jobs in administration for theatre. I technically qualify. I have a business degree. I have training in contemporary, classical, and musical theatre acting as well as stage and house managing. I could work for unions or theatre companies and just "see" the seasons shows...
but not enjoy them because everytime I watch them I'll be thinking, ah yes, look at all those people on the stage doing what I am not.  What a load of bullschnikety. And, yes.  I just made that word up.

So, boys and girls, what does that teach us? 
That being proactive causes tantrums and freak outs and should be avoided at all costs. 

Will I do any of the above?  Who knows. honestly? Probably not.
I did not come to grad school to just teach. or just tech. or just administrate. or even just to act. I came to grad school so I could find the confidence to do it all. And I know I can. Now, whether or not the Good Luck Fairy is going to bring me the opportunities I need for greatness is invariably up to her fickle twinkly ass. But hey, I'm going to give her every reason to come my way.

I have a hard time with the idea that this is as good as it gets. That I may have peaked somewhere along the line. I can't imagine that this is as big as it gets for me. Because frankly, it's just not damn good enough. I'm happy, I'm healthy, and I'm grateful. No ifs, ands, or buts. ...however... there's got to be something more out there for me. So...what now? What cliche am I going to get today?
"If you work hard enough, you'll get what you deserve"
-well, anyone who's lived in nyc will know that's not exactly true. in fact, it's fiction on the "fairness of life" scale.
"If you pray, it will come"
-well, I'll be doing that anyway.  But no one gets what they want sittin' on their biblical laurels.
"If you kiss ass, it will get you somewhere"
-...we all know how good I am at that.
"What will be, will be" 
-That's like when people tell you that relationships "come your way when you're not looking."  Once again,  bullschnikety.  Really, it's a saying for people who are passive and want to use the cosmos as a reason for their lack of motivation.
"Voice what you want. Get what you want"
-Now you're talking.
"Be honest, kind, constructive"
-Alrighty.  Can do.
"It'll be alright in the end. If it isn't alright, it isn't the end."
-keep on truckin. got it.
"Rejection in your career does not devalue your self worth."
-sho' nuff.
And finally, and my personal favorite...
"And then I had waffles."

In your career, before and after an audition or performance, you should always think "and then I had waffles." There was someone in my past (I cant even remember who anymore, it's been so long) that once told me that you should always have something outside of your audition/performing life that is worth looking forward to. Your audition should never be the end all be all. Your rejection should never make you feel like you should quit. It's just one bad person/audition/day. but if you look forward to that one extra thing; be it a person, a movie, or in my case...waffles, then the desperation and ache is numbed. Or at least dimmer in comparison.  When someone asks how your day was, it should never be an hour tirade on how horrible a casting agent was or how you couldn't even be seen or how you'll never make it because you are too little or too much of something. Instead, it should be a minute or so of a tirade followed by, "and then I had waffles." And those waffles, are the most important part of that day.
People who are outside the business often wonder how we deal with all the "rejection" all the time. Well, that's how I deal with mine. When I stare at a computer screen at 12:10am, eyes bleeding from all the jobs that I don't qualify for or it's like jumping through hoops for a single penny, I remind myself of what my waffles were.

Today was LM's birthday. KS, MAR, and I put together a scavenger hunt that spanned across Glasgow and eventually ended in a train ride to Loch Lomond for dinner. It was a good day. A beautiful yet muggy, exhausting and fun, kind and genuine day with good friends.    It was like a massive belgium waffle with strawberries and whip cream on top.
Also this weekend, I moved half my belongings to LY's new apartment who is letting me stay with her for September so I can cut rent costs.  Another chocolate drizzled waffle.
Also, I watched a marathon of Criminal Minds episodes and 1990's saturday cartoons on youtube which made me happy as I sipped my crappy instant coffee and puttered around my room on a Sunday morning.  Big, peanut butter and syrup waffle.

So when I get wound up about the future, or the fact that it is tech week and I'll soon be wrapping myself in cling film and popping vibrant blue colored contacts in while dousing myself with water as I slither on stage, I'll be thinking...

and then I had waffles. and they were good.