Voicing What You Want.

My go-to contemporary monologue has the lines, "don't tell me what I want because I'LL tell YOU what I want. I want a home, and a family, AND a career too. And I want a dog and I want a cat and I want three goldfish, I want everything. and there's no harm in wanting it George, because there's not a chance in hell you're going to get it all anyway. but if you don't WANT it, you've got even less chance then that." -Jennie from Neil Simon's Chapter Two.

And that pretty much sums me up.  Except for the whole cat thing. I'm allergic and they are the spawn of satan. 

But truly, I've been a George and have spent most of my 20's avoiding wanting anything. Because if you don't want anything, you are never disappointed. No one can make fun of you for dreaming too big or too little. No one can tell you that you can't have whatever IT is. But if I had looked closer, I'd realise that I was the one who actually told myself NO. What's worse, I told myself NO before ever figuring out what I was asking for. So lately, I've tried to become a Jennie.

A few months ago I started a journal of "I wants." No matter how big or ridiculous, I'd write it down. I'd seriously consider it, "Do I really want it? Or is it just a whim?" and then without judgement, I'd put ink to paper.

Sometimes I'd sit there for hours and not think of a single thing that I'd want. And sometimes I couldn't fall asleep because I'd think of something new that I'd want every five minutes. I made lists. Categories. Which won't surprise many of you seeing as even my wildest wishes are organized into their proper place. You can broaden a girl's horizons, but the base will always be the same.

Anyway, now I have the wants. And some embarrass me, some make me think I'm crazy. Some make me think there are not enough years in a lifetime to do it all. Some make me think there is not enough money either. But it's about being honest with yourself. It's about voicing what you want. And I'll take it one step further. It may bore some of you so feel free to just skip over it, but I'm going to list some of my "wants." Because it's one thing to hide it in a journal, but it's another thing entirely to put it out there. It sort of makes me accountable. It blows any embarrassment or shame out of the water. And knowing my pride and supreme attitude problem, once I put it out there, I'd be more inclined to go after it. I'm not one to make a statement and then let people see me give up. If I allow myself to hide, I'll never do anything with my life.  And, like Jennie said, there's no harm in wanting it.  So here we go:

I WANT TO LEARN TO:
fence, really ride a horse (preferably on the beach), play the cello, play the acoustic guitar, to garden, to cook like my dad, to meditate, to make a really good caramel macchiato, be certified in armed and unarmed stage combat, to network without feeling shady, to not feel bad for who I am, to change a tire, to change the oil in a car, to master a stick shift, to shoot a gun, and archery.

I WANT TO TRAVEL TO:
A road trip of the South- San Antonio, Galveston, Austin, Houston, Memphis, Nashville, New Orleans, Savannah.
Ashland, OR
North Pole- to see the midnight sun or the four hour day.
Antarctica- (only because I want to be able to say I've been to all the continents)
Morocco
South Africa
Greece
Paris- and do it right this time (includes Versailles and the Monet gardens)
Venice, Rome
Iceland
Rio De Janeiro- during Carnivale
Galapagos Islands- to see the ginormous turtles
Stonehenge
Marseilles Nice, France
Monaco (again)
Denver, CO
Prague, Czech Republic
China- because I feel like I should
Prince Edward Island- because I watched Anne of Green Gables one too many times.
San Juan Islands, WA

WHEN I BUILD A HOME IT WILL HAVE:
a small garden, french doors, baronian scots architecture or colonial, a balcony, a pool, built in bookshelves, window seat for reading, lots of natural light, a porch swing, trees, a stone gate, situated by a river or the sea, stained glass, hardwood floors, privacy, a REALLY comfy big bed, a real fire place, a chandelier in the dining room (it doesn't have to be big but it has to sparkle), a library and music room with a baby grand piano, old architecture with modern appliances.  and my own private bathroom with a deep clawedfoot tub. 

Believe me, people,  the ridiculousness is just beginning...

BIG DREAMS:
to have two dogs named "Squeegie" and "Tomorrow." Audrey Hepburn once had a cat named Tomorrow and whenever she had a bad day she'd hug it and say, "Everything will be alright Tomorrow."  Always loved that.
To have a little boy and girl named Bennett and Vivien. (Maybe one is adopted)
To work in NYC, LA, and London.
To be AEA and SAG union
To be able to pay the bills by only being an actor
To be a lead in a feature film
To be married. Once. And have it last.
To not have money be my number one worry
To have a house in WA

ROLES I WANT TO PLAY:
Kate- Taming of the Shrew
Beatrice- Much Ado About Nothing
Vivien Leigh and/or Elizabeth Taylor- in her biography
Diane- Next to Normal
Tamora- Titus Andronicus
Titania- Midsummer Night's Dream
Iago- Othello (yeah you heard me)
Diane- Little Dog Laughed
Cathy- Last Five Years
Jennie- Chapter Two
Duchess- Duchess of Malfi
Queen Margaret- Henry VI 1-3
Candice- Good in Bed
Any Heroine from a Nora Roberts Book.  (ha.  i'm laughing at myself for that one.)

THE CAREER I REALLY WANT:
to have a good agent
to never have to do an open call again
to teach college
to publish a book or play
to direct a play
to be tri-coastal
to be on Broadway
to get over my fear of singing
to work in tv, film, and theatre
to be a union member
to voice a disney character
to be respected
to have a lounge act
to do good work for a charity I believe in
to have health insurance
to go to the Cannes Film Festival

BUCKET LIST: random things to do or have before I die
Go sailing on an old sailboat
run a mile in under ten minutes
be a size 8/10
read the Bible cover to cover
be a guest at the Academy Awards
swim with dolphins
fresh flowers every week
massages
mani/pedis
quiet
time to myself
travel
books
gym membership


I have to admit, those are only about half of the lists.  I wrote lists about Books to read before I die, Movies to see, what kind of man I hope to end up with (inquiring minds want to know I'm sure but you'll just have to ask me privately for that one, and I may or may not tell you), how I want to better myself, etc.  And I'm going to keep adding to them until I'm completely empty of wants.

It's scary as shit, stating what you want. Letting hope leak in through the cracks. But I recommend it. When was the last time you asked yourself what you want? When was the last time you said it outloud? Try it. Start small. Start in the present. And then go from there. People get what they want all the time. Why not you?  But you have to admit it to yourself first.  Then you work on how to get it.  At least, that's MY plan.


I'll probably write one more blog by the end of the weekend.  That way I can cover the last couple of days of class and also the one man show of Macbeth I saw last night.  Then I can get on that plan to Malta and really enjoy a good vacation with nothing on my mind other than flipping over when I've had too much sun on one side.  It's been a very long term and I want to just disappear for a bit and recharge.  So stay tuned for one more entry before freedom.

Thinking of you x