My luggage and most of my belongings are piled at the foot of my bed. After twelve hours of sleep in my own familiar yet still uncomfortable Glasgow bed, I'm feeling a little less on edge. It's quiet here for the most part. The occasional slamming of the corridor doors or the pianist playing in the other room still filter in, but my space is my own. My body is angry with me. Everything aches. Some are from bruises I gained during the month, some is due to tightness of muscles from stress and cold weather. Whatever the reason, I can't bring myself to unpack. This will be a day of half procrastination and half catch up.
I think about the last month. Where I was before as an actor and where I am now. And I realize, London and the Globe have given me a boost in confidence that I hadn't realized I sorely needed. Sure the lessons are now a blur and I've been exhausted for most. But now I'm even more hungry for what else I can get from this programme. I'm slightly concerned to go back to a more lax structure and way of teaching. I really enjoyed the jam packed schedule of the Globe. The utter honesty of the teachers. The feeling that I was a colleague, not a itty bitty student that needs to be stroked and petted. I only pray that I can manage not to get lazy. I am the laziest person alive. Give me a reason to sit, and I'll take it. If you give me a ten minute break, I'll take an hour. If you say skip a work out, I'll skip them all. And now there won't be a five mile walk a day to off set my sloth-like abilities.
I realize now that I. Love. London. I love how old it is, how spread out it is, how clean it is, and how quiet it is. You rarely hear a siren or honking of horn. In NYC, just the walk home would drain me. In London, the walk home (though very tiring physically), was the only time that I found calm. and I really loved the people at the Globe. Martin, from Voice, has converted me. I'll buy his book when it comes out. I'll use his warm up. And I'll miss him.
Glynn-duh is cracked out crazy. But she gave me a good kick in the ass and I kind of hope I am like her thirty years down the road.
And Tom, though this is disputed among many of my fellow classmates, was the right kind of push that I needed. He called me out on any inauthenticity I had settled for. He was supportive and personable and I never felt unsafe. I worked harder, not because I was worried about his wrath, but because I knew he expected more and therefore I should expect more out of myself.
The last week of London is a solid blur. Basically it was long days of rehearsals with an occasional voice or movement class thrown in. On Weds alone, we had a thirteen hour day. Much of which was outside in the 30 degree weather in only thermals and a few light layers of shirts. There was a point when I had misjudged how long I actually would be on stage and came off with teeth chattering and shaking all over. Its times like these that I remember what great friends I have. Almost immediately there were coats thrown on me, someone wrapping their arms around me, someone shoving hand warming packets in my hands, and someone rubbing my shoulders. Sometimes I sit back and remember what beautiful hearts these people have. And I know how lucky I am.
We had our dress rehearsal which honestly was huge bomb (not all our fault). They tried to cram too much work into too little time and then asked us why we were sucking. Very frustrating. But you know what they say, a bad dress means a good opening night. And it was.
Thursday, we had last minute rehearsals, an atmosphere runthrough, and then the showing. About 130 people showed up to stand in the cold for our 1 1/2 hour version of King Lear. It went very smoothly and everyone should be proud of how they did. It's an amazing feeling to be on that stage, in performance mode. I still get terrible stage fright but have found some things I do to off set it.
1. I slow down my breathing to slow my heartrate which slows my thinking. This stops me from talking too fast on stage.
2. I do my best to keep my hands warm. The stiffer my hands, the more stiff my physicality.
3. I say the first line of my next scene to myself to get it in my mouth.
4. I look at the people in my next scene (they don't have to be aware of it) and think: "this is not about me. This is about you. I will make it about you." As long as you are thinking of your scene partners, you aren't thinking of yourself and therefore your nerves take a back seat.
5. I ask God to help me do my best so that whatever happens out on stage, good or bad, that I am able to handle it and walk away after the play with self respect and self kindness still in tact.
And though there were moments of inauthenticity in my acting that night. And though I know I could do even better. Self judgement aside, I am proud of what I did. Afterwards, a girl from a past cohort named Lucy spoke with me. She said, "I understood and believed every word you said." I don't think I've ever received a better compliment. Because that's the point isn't it? To tell the story and make others believe. And to have done that with Shakespeare...I am so grateful. I asked for a challenge and I got it. And I did well.
The next day was dedicated to tutorials with Tom. The final feedback of the month. And it was probably the best feedback I ever received. I will keep the details for my own but know that I have never felt better about where I am at as an actor. Though there is such a long way to go, and though you never stop learning and growing, I feel for the first time that I can actually do this. Not just as a hobby. But I could do this for a good living and be more than mediocre. You never know what you can do...until you do it.
Alright. What's next?
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