Unleashing the Beast

WARNING:  if you are looking for laughs and witticisms, please check back for later blogs.  This posting will not fulfill your requirements. 


Today was a tough day.  

On a whole, the entire week has been emotionally draining to the point where I send myself to bed at around 930pm.  And though yesterday was frustrating, today was...crippling.  Now don't get me wrong, in my mind, it was a huge "acting" success, but not without a few casualties.

I pretty much will skip over yesterday.  It felt mostly like a waste of a day. We had a meeting for every scene that we are in and my main one was full of arguments, tantrums, and stubborness.  Believe it or not, none of that came from me for once.

Today however...Alright, I promised honesty in this blog, but please know I'm cringing the entire time.  Today hit every insecurity I have.  Hard.  Allow me to elaborate...

The first exercise was once again walking around the room, in character, interacting silently with other characters (or you were allowed to say a phrase here and there from the script).  I woke up a bit sensitive today.  I know that now.  So already this was vibrating under the surface.

You know those days when you wake up and you just feel ugly?  As a person, physically, etc.  Well, this was one of those.  So I immediately tap into Ranevskaya's (recap: that's my character) neediness and loneliness.  A feeling I am familiar with but tend to shove as far back in my mind as humanly possible.  I file it in my mental drawer right next to "shame", "regret", and the fact I still know all the words to almost all the NSync albums. 

But anyway,  I tap into that.  I sit in my chair forever focusing on that voice of self loathing.  Everyone has this voice and some listen to it more than others.  I, generally, fight tooth and nail to block it out since the bitch is exceptionally strong in me.  But today, knowing it was a part of the character that I hadnt really explored and knowing full well it was a HUGE part of her, I let the voice out.  ughhhhhhh.   Both an excellent and horrible idea.  It's a horrible feeling, not thinking anyone wants you.  And that no one ever will.  And it's incredibly pathetic.  Regardless.  The exercise was to intensify/magnify your discoveries.  And so I did.  And it was manageable...until MAR who was playing Lopakhin came up to me while I was standing near a dark corner.  He took the side of my face in his hand, leaned in, and whispered a part of the text that was so cruel.  And it was the distain in his voice that had my knees buckling, body shaking, and then eventually I was sobbing on the floor in a ball.
There are some girls in my group who I think have the most incredible gift of overactive tear ducts.  They can cry at the drop of the hat and then bring it back.  I'm quite jealous.  I, however, am not able to do this.  I don't cry in public if I can help it.  And frankly, I hardly cry at all (though those of you that have known me these past few years know that it's been an increasing trend).  So this outburst today was something that really shook me.  I did not like it.  I did not like the loss of control.  I did not like the pain.  That being said, it's good for the character.
In said ball, I heard footsteps and then a hand on my back.  After a moment, I lifted my head and saw my Yasha.  And it was over.  I wrapped my arms around him and cried some more (ugh, whimpered more like)  and he held me, brushing the hair off my face, telling me it was alright.  When the brunt of emotion was over, he sat with me for a bit longer. I couldn't look at his face for long periods of time, but I played with the corner of his shirt which brought me more comfort than any words.  Those that know me REEEEALLY well, know that that's a nervous habit of mine, playing with corners of fabric. 
And that's where the line of character and actor blend. 
The character feels pain.  I feel pain.  But the character shows it, without limit.  I show it, and I'm embarrassed.  But either way, we as actors then use it.

We did a few more things in the morning class, but mostly it was reading outloud our scenes and focusing on where your attention is placed.  When we speak, our direct focus is sometimes on the person we are talking to and sometimes inwards while thinking of the person we are talking about.  We had to identify which and when.  My scene went very well though the echoes of the crying still stuck with me. 

At lunch I didn't feel like eating so I bought a Sprite and checked out a voice room to play the piano for a bit and try to shake it off.  Had I only known it was about to get a helluva lot worse.

The exercise was to perform etudes of our scenes.  That is, to improv a contemporary version of your scene with your partners.  My main scene is with Trofimov.  In it, he tries to give tough love by telling me the truth that I don't want to hear.  Mostly that my ex lover (who wants me back) is a loser and thief and that I'm living in a dream world.  To which my character makes it personal and fights back with ugly words and insults.  He ends up leaving. 

Our contemporary etude was basically set where my ex started coming back in my life, texting he misses me etc, and Trof (NB) is trying to convince me (Stacy)  that he's a loser and I'm stupid to get back with him. 

I take NB aside before we present and say, "Now, you do know that I'm going to light into you right?"
NB:  Yes.
me: "And you are SURE you are ok with this?"
NB:  Yes.

Deep breath.  Ok...

Our scene starts,  I check the text, explain the situation, and he begins to pick and poke, and...I rip him a new one.  I say the most hideous ugly things in the most hideous ugly way.  And don't be mistaken, we are using each other's names and the insults are very personal.  To the point that when it was all over, I looked at the rest of the cohort and most had either their mouths wide open, their eyes were bugged out, or they were completely and utterly still. 

Let me also say that NB had some mighty fine jabs himself.  His closing remark being the most lethal, "What man would ever want YOU?"   Think back to this morning's exercise and feeling.  Yeah.  Thinking it and feeling it are one thing.  But having someone throw it in your face vocally in front of 22 peers and teachers is another thing all together.

And despite what NB said of me...I'm actually more concerned with what I said to him.  He seems fine with it by the way.  I'm sure glad I warned him though in the beginning.  I think it made all the difference.  But he walked out of that room fine and dandy.  Me on the other hand...I hate knowing that that is in me.  I did my job.  I did what was asked.  And I did it well.  Too well.  It's something I truly hate about myself.  Ok no, I rarely lash out like that in real life.  But it's there.  That kind of poison in there.  And just because you feel bad afterwards, it doesn't excuse you from having the poison there in the first place.  You can't say, "Hey, I'm still a good person.  Sure I hurt someone, but I felt real bad afterwards."  You still did the hurting.  And now I just feel bruised, inside and out.

And I bet you thought that was it, huh?  Oh no.  The hits just keep on coming.

One of the very last etudes of the day was with MAR.  We did not discuss this before hand but he needed a Ranevskaya and said it needed to be me.  First, I know it's mostly because he knows me better than the other two Renny's and would be able to find better ammunition (yes, he warned me that he was going to lay into me. only this time I wouldnt be able to fight back).  But I also noticed that, the other two Renny's are softer and kinder.  They are in real life softer and kinder.  MAR needed someone he could attack and that person would be me. ...um, thank you?  But it was absolutely right.  Sometimes you need someone to hate.  I'm just saddened that it tends to be me.    What I bring to the table is a feisty, harsh, neglectful Renny.  And I'm quite heartbroken to say, that there's a LOT of me in her.  More than I'd like.  So when MAR throws those personal punches, they hit.  This time, it was an attack on my talent or lack there of. 

My two biggest hang ups are 1. whether I can really be an exceptional actor.  and 2. whether I am attractive to men.  ew.  That's so annoying as to how sad that sounds.  And please, all you out there who love me, please know that this little voice of self loathing is a tiny one.  It only took over today because I let it. 

Also, please realize that there is absolutely NO hard feelings with any of these members of the cohort.  We always hug it out afterwards and I can honestly say that I hold no animosity towards them.  And after a small pity party this evening that I'll be throwing myself, I'll sleep on it, and restart again tomorrow.  Hopefully retaining everything I learned today, and letting go of the rest.

I assure you all, despite the fact that I'm emotionally bruised and tired beyond belief...I've never been happier.  Man, actors are messed up.  :)