I am not a One-Trick Pony...at least I hope not.

Our first performance went extremely well.  The picture above is of my group from "Pool (No Water)" in one of our scenes.  It's funny when you rehearse something for 8 hours a day, every day.  Once you get up to perform, at least for me, I didn't really have any nervousness.  The two pieces were integrated together and we had an audience of all the BA 1st year actors, two of our writers and the head of the Playwright's Studio, our head of dept, and one of the directors who will be working with us on Chechov (which is next).  There were also some members from last year's MA CCT cohort. 
After two weeks of grueling work, it was all over in a little over an hour.  Poof. 
Later I received compliments on my voice work as well as my acute ability to play an intense powerful bitch. ...yeah.  Thank you? 
The truth is, that IS a compliment.  And I take it that way.  However, I do worry that that may be the one thing I can do.  I hope it's not the ONLY thing I can do.  It tends to be the fall back, or the card I keep in my back pocket.  It makes me wonder 1. why do I normally take a line that way?  and 2. Is that me going for what is easy.  I don't want to be a one-trick pony. 
I am sure there is a career out there to be had playing only bad guys, cranky secretaries, and bitchy neighbors.  And I'm sure I would fit right in.  But that will not take me to the next level (whatever the hell that means.)
Yes, there are some parts that I will just never play.  But I also know that as human beings, we have so many shades and colors to us.  It's not just Happy, Sad, Mad, etc.  There are so many facets that make up who we are.  The problem is making sure you can bring them forth so that you make a real person as opposed to a caricature. 
I think it may go back to the whole "self perception" thing.  How do you see yourself?  How do others see you?  Which is fact and which is fiction? 
I don't think I'm quite chameleon enough yet.  But I'm hoping at some point in this year, someone will give me that chance.  And maybe, just maybe, I'll find some shades and colors I never knew I had.

After the performance on Friday I crashed.  And I mean CRASHED.  I went home and didn't move again till Saturday night.  I wasn't going to move then either but my across the hall neight AW from the MA musical theatre course invited me to a small gathering at an apartment off campus.  I am REALLY glad I went.  It was nice being around musical theatre people again for a bit.  They are a different breed, my friends.  And it was also very low key which is how I prefer to spend my evenings anyway.  We watched Reservoir Dogs and then had an impromptu jam session with someone on keyboard, someone on acoustic guitar (named Isabel or Scarlet, we couldn't decide), and just sitting around singing songs.  I was plied with just enough beer to do a few Chinese grama impressions as well as sing India.Arie's "Ready For Love" and we sprawled out on the couch getting to know one another.  Didn't get home till about 3 a.m. 

Today I once again kept it easy.  Saw a movie (The Help...for the third time) and then hibernated in my room.  I very badly want to get out of Glasgow and see a bit of Scotland but I knew very well that my body and mind needed this weekend to sit and do nothing.  We also get tomorrow off for our mid term break.  And will have conferences (they call them Tutorials here) with our dept head to gage our progress on Tuesday. This week, in theory will be much more on the slow side.  Thank. God.

And this is why I am an actor. magical.

Today was a good day.  No, today was a magical day.  It was just one of those days when things go right.

I'll admit that I was hesitant at the start.  I had a very bad night's sleep.  My back was hurting so badly that I couldn't get comfortable.  Didn't fall asleep till about two thirty, then was awoken by another fire alarm at 745am.  This would be the 4th in four days.  I may be deported for homocide soon.
Then was at school by 9am for another rigorous workout session that bordered on martial arts.  My already weeping muscles screamed at me as we punched at the air and squatted until our thighs shook and gave out.  If my body weren't tightening up, I'd be pissed.  But since it is, I'll only mildly hate the warmup leader.  Don't you just hate it when things are good for you?

Anyway, following that we had the most productive and magical rehearsal.  The voice teacher (and my nemesis) Lorna came back in for the morning session.  We ran our rehearsal and she made tweaks.  And damnit.  They were freakin' brilliant.  The slightest note she gave us changed and cleared up any muddiness we might have had in our scenes.  There was a point when the group of us were huddled in a heap and laughing and giggling (which was called for in the scene) but it wasnt acting...it was being.  It stopped feeling presentational and became natural.  It was one of those AHA! moments where you sit back and go "this is when the individual became the WE."  This is when you actually listened and responded and things became real. This is what energizes and feeds our creativity.  And this is WHY WE DO IT. 
But the best was yet to come.  The final scene involved one of our actors, MM, to stand and deliver a monologue that tore into the rest of us for our foul behavior and indecency.  It used to be just shouting at us where we snarled back and "acted."  After Lorna's tweak, we stood still and watched MM.  She didn't move.  She just stood there.  Straight.  Didn't even look at us.  Lorna place a bit of pressure on the back of MM's neck and whispered "stay with it.  say it."  And as we gazed with resentment at MM, she, with tears streaming down her face, gave the most heartbreaking speech.  Instead of caving in to the impulse to yell out and tear us down, she quietly put us each in our place.  No one moved.  No one hardly even breathed.  Some couldnt look MM in the face because they truly felt shame.  Some couldnt help but look at her, mesmerized by the guilt they felt.  And I...I watched and listened.  And tears began to fall from my eyes, too.  For once, I didn't think.  I just listened.  And took what MM gave.  And in return, I felt.  I reacted.  I didn't know I could.  That I had that in me.  And that, my friends, is what we (no, I) have always wanted.  For something to feel right.  I didn't cry because I thought, "well, I should really squeeze out a few tears here, it would really sell the piece."  No.  The tears were a by product for what was going on inside me.  For what I felt for MM.  At that moment, I broke her heart.  And I knew it.  And she was so open and generous in letting us see that vulnerability that it allowed each of us to react in an open way.  Speaking for myself, it was one of the most incredible moments I've ever experienced.  And THAT is why I'm here.  THAT is what I do this for.  For moments that are so beautiful that no words can truly express it.  All I can say is, I wish you were there.  I wish you could have felt what I felt.  Alive. 

The lunch session brought another success.  I went to the bank.  (cue dramatic impending doom music)  and found that the money transfer had finally gone through.  I am no longer poor.  I have an account that functions.  And it only took...five weeks. 

The afternoon session was with the entire cohort.  We found a way to integrate both pieces of work, intertwine them, and added transitions.  I am truly excited for our performance tomorrow.  And in celebration of that, most of us went to Molly Malone's for a couple of beers.  I spoke with a couple of cohort member that I don't know very well, and felt more at home than I have in a very long time. 

The walk home with LY and VM was brief and chilly (just the way I like it).  Twinkly lights are being strung from the buildings giving Glasgow a magical glow.  We stop at the fish n chips place, but don't feel guilty since we got our butts kicked this morning in warm up. 

I am hopeful.  A scary notion.  Because hope means you have the ability to be disappointed.  But hope also means there's a broadening in your vision.  It means you have direction and purpose.  It means I value myself again.  This feeling may not sustain itself for long, but I can tell you, right now it feels pretty effing great.  And I'm going hug it close to me for as long as I possibly can. 

Home is where your heart is.  But I never knew where my heart was.  Or I put it in unhealthy things or gave it to people who were only temporary.  It's made me a bit lost for a very long time.  I'm still fairly lost.  But I feel I have a much firmer footing in my world right now.  I feel I belong.  I can't tell you how rare that is. 
It is not the place.  It is not the people.  Though both are delightful.  It is me.  Feeling useful, productive, worthy, and purposeful.  I am my own home.  And as long as I am at peace with me...I can make my home anywhere. 

Now remind me of this when I next have a bad day and want to throw inanimate objects out the window.  Because let's be honest.  You know me.  I'm a moody sort.  And my tantrums are legendary.

Thinking of you.

Will You Marry Me?

Are there any single UK men out there who are looking to get hitched?  'Cause I'm open to offers.  Clearly that is the only way US performers can now stay in this country.  Now I am not in anyway sure that I'd want to stay here after graduating.  But I don't like the idea that it's not even an option.

Allow me to elaborate...

We had a meeting today with an immigration specialist that was to explain the changes in UK visa regulations.  Now, in the US for example, a foreign study performer can work IN THEIR FIELD during studies and then following graduation, they have a year to gain employment before they either apply for visa extension or get booted out of the country.
Here, during your studies you can work...but NOT in your field.  Then the old regulation would be that you graduate and can apply for a two year visa that you can stay in the country to gain employment, go to auditions, and try to convince the UK that you are an exceptional artist and they want to keep you. 
HOWEVERRRRRRRR, as of this April 2012, they have discontinued that visa.  Now we can only qualify for what is called a general Tier 2 visa.  This requires you to have already gained a job BEFORE graduation that is 1. long term, 2. a company that is from a certain list of sponsors, 3. that pays you a minimum of something like 20,000 pounds a year.  ...uh buh????  This would be ok for a nuclear physicist, or an engineer, or an accountant.  But for those of you that don't understand the way the entertainment business works, the likelihood of this happening would be like me saying I could learn Yiddish in a day while having winged monkeys flying out of my butt.  (I may be talented but bat monkeys are not in my repertoire.)
1.  Long term rarely exists in acting.  Even most broadway shows give you a 6-9 mo contract.  And if you gain a tier 2 visa, it only lasts as long as your contract.  The visa itself costs a couple grand at least. You have to leave the country to apply for it, so that means you are spending hundreds of dollars just going home to fill out a piece of paper, then spending hundreds of dollars flying back here if they give it to you.  All that for 6 months?  I think not.
2.  The likelihood of you finding a UK company to sponsor you and doing the paperwork rather than just going with a european who looks just like you anyway is incredibly slim.
3.  and getting 20,000 pounds for one gig is...well who do I look like?  Dame Judi Dench?

Sigh.  So.  For those of you back home that worried that Europe would swallow me and keep me, never fear.  They pretty much give you your diploma and show you the way to the airport at the same time. 

As for todays shenanigans, we were in rehearsal from 9-6pm.  I was feeling well below par.  Bit under the weather and run down.  But it was a VERY productive day.  We presented our piece to the class at the end of the day and it went way better than I think even we expected.  Orgy and all.  By Friday's performance I think we'll have something pretty darn good.

Bumps and bruises, aches and pains all over.  And well earned.

p.s.  Mom and Dad, I miss you.  But can you believe I'll be home for xmas in less than two months??

p.p.s.  I have already received one proposal since posting this.  any other takers??  :)

a $30,000 Orgy. [SORRY FAMILY MEMBERS]

Yup.  You heard me right.  That's basically what the past two days have been. And that's basically how much this education is costing me.

The piece we have been working on (for those of you just joining this program, the piece is called Pool[no water]), has reached the part in the script where the cast gets high off of numerous drugs and then has a mass orgy.  Before you worry about my sanity, please realize that we all keep our clothes on and that it is in fact artistic...as artistic as you can get with ten bodies writhing around.  Well...it's certainly taken away all shyness in our group.  And we can't claim we don't know each other after this.  And it's made for some WONDERFUL laughs.
The piece itself is raw and unflattering.  It's meant to be that way.  It's definitely not something I've ever worked on before and it surprises even me with some of the things I do without a second thought.
I feel this would be a good time to talk about that leary question that everyone always wonders about actors: How can you do explicit things?  and in front of people??

Now, I can't speak for anyone but myself.  People have different limits, morals, and tastes.  But just because I participate in a performance piece like this, does not mean I am without these virtues.  On the contrary.  I'm quite conservative.  And for those who know me, I don't express a lot of public display of affection.  But on stage or on film, you are not in public.  (Well, you are.  There's hundreds of peeping eyes from the audience.)  Technically, if you are having a moment with another character (if you are doing your job) you are only with that character.  The audience does not exist.  There of course are gray areas (i.e. when it is an abstract piece or presentational, and breaks the "4th wall" and involves the audience).  But for the most part, if I can justify the intimacy within the play, and it serves a purpose in telling the story and adds to the meaning of the piece, I'm all for it.  Let me reassure you, however, that I do NOT count pornos as art.  Or anything of the like. 
But there is beauty and power in intimacy and the use of it.
Regardless, in the end, it IS about the work.  It's about the story. 

That being said...I'm not quite sure what story we are trying to tell with this mass ball of people.  I certainly would never invite my family to see it.  But not because I'm not happy with how it's evolved. I am.  I just don't think that's what they would see.  And not something they would enjoy.
But I am pushing my own boundaries, learning to DO and not only THINK.  And though frustrations are high, we are learning to work together which is a Herculean feat all in itself. 

I will be ready, however, to move on to the next project after this Friday.

Before parting I will share with you some wonderful isms I've learned this week.

*Munter or Minger=  a very unattractive person.
*Faff= to muck about or waste time.       and therefore...
*faffucino=A beverage purchased from Starbucks which causes a delay and a queue to form. Particularly popular with the person in front of you when you are rushing to get coffee at the station for the morning commute.


Now...back to memorizing lines.

What did you just call me???

So Friday morning I get up early so that I can take out the rubbish since it was my turn in the communal kitchen duties.  I take it down to the basement and through the laundry room where the main mainenance man was painting the room a cheery bright yellow.  Now, let me preface this with the fact that he has one of the STRONGEST scottish accents I have ever heard.  But I could tell from what he was mumbling that he was asking how I liked the color of the room.  This is how the convo went...
Maintenance Man: How dsfkm adgfoiuc like color?
Me:  oh.  Yes!  It's lovely.  Very clean and cheerful.
MM: Ah gud. Ahv bin doon herrrr awhile asdlkcvjergoin finish.
Me: Uh-huh. 
MM:  Yew like it hair in wee glazgo?
Me:  Oh yes.  Very much.
MM:  adsfjmo agfvoihw sdo.
Me: (smile. nod.) ...ok.  Well, I'm off to school now.
MM: Ok. See you later, Cow
Me:  ----

WHAT?!  I had made it halfway to the elevator (lift) when it hit me.  Did he just call me a cow?  Is that a term of endearment here?  He said it in such a sweet and friendly old man way...hmm... must do reconaissance work.

So I asked my scottish cohort members and NO.  It is not something people generally say.  "Maybe he thought your name was Carol. and you heard Cow?"  "Oh no, it sounds like he said Pal.  Not Cow. Surely not."  ...ok...I'ma gonna believe them and go with Pal.  But if that piece of Haggis says cow again, he's going to be blowing his bagpipe from the other end.

Class itself that day was frustrating, but productive, but not, but confusing.  Working in an environment that is building a piece from the ground up where everyone has a say and most are people (myself included) that like to explain things in depth, is incredibly taxing.  And everyone wants so badly for the piece to be good that they worry about stepping on each other's toes.  So we spend as much time apologizing as we do sharing our ideas.  But what we came up with is a wonderful start.  Though now I've been spending the weekend memorizing pages and pages of dialogue.  Memorizing, I find, is something that is a muscle that needs exercised.  And mine is highly out of shape.

Friday night, I took a step out of my character and went first to a cabaret, then a bar where two bottles of wine were consumed, and then clubbing.  Yes.  I went to a club.  Friends in NYC, please stop laughing.  I can hear you from here. 

The cabaret was a brother sister duo from London called Bourgeois and Maurice.  Which I truly enjoyed.  Plenty of glitter, jokes, and silly made up songs.  Then the bar was in some alley way and they opened up a section for the ten of us that were there.  (never fear mother, I had plenty of people to keep me safe).  This was the perfect unwind from a frustrating day and I got to know a few people a lot better.  They really are lovely people.

Finally, about five of us continued to the Buff Club. Now I realize that sounds like a strip joint, but I assure you it wasnt.  At least on that night.  As far as I know.  Anyway.  They played awesome 50s, 60s and 70s music.  And as two o'clock rolled around LY and VM and I left the club to walk home with a pitstop at a fish n chips place.  That's right children,  always remember, after a night of debauchery and drink, one must always coat thy stomach with grease.  Then douse self in much water.  Then take two large Aleve's.  Which I did. 

Saturday was dedicated to a hangover the size of Texas.  But so worth it.

In other news, I finally had an appointment with the bank.  I now have an account....with no money in it.  Apparently there are certain pieces of information on their computers that can only be obtained during mon-fri and so transfers are impossible on weekends. ...whuh? 

Whatever.  Scotland, your ways no longer shock me.

dear santa, screw the two front teeth. all i want for xmas this year is Tiger Balm.

They have begun to put Christmas decorations up around the city and have posted holiday sales. I used to think it was horrible when Walgreens used to put out Valentine's Day candy at New Year's but this I think tops that.  October 20th...Happy Xmas.  

It's now dark and dreary almost all the time.  I get to class at 930 and don't leave till about 6pm.  I don't think the sun and I have seen each other in a few days.  And so far, I don't really mind.  Although I do wish we had a bit more fresh air considering we've been stuck in a basement like rehearsal room that smells of musty socks and sweaty wet dog.  Which I suppose is the equivalent of hundreds of musty sweaty actors rolling around on the floor.  I know.  You're jealous.  I can tell.

We began both yesterday and today with the "warm up" from hell.  Two of our cohort were put in charge.  It just so happens that these two are the most fit in the class.  What we thought would be leisurely stretching and humming turned into a bootcamp that involved planks, pushups, running (you remember how I feel about running) with knees up, then touching the ground then with kicking your own butt then touching the ground then running then pushups then running then kick back push ups, etc.  By 1030 we all were sprawled on the ground as we'd become panting puddles of exhaustion.  Then came class.

Yesterday, after reading through our play "Pool (No Water)" we had our session again with Lucien and Benedicte.  This time instead of the elements, we studied Materials.  We observed and then became rubberbands, cardboard, bubbles, cellophane, and finally sugarcubes when plopped in a glass of water.  I know.  You're jealous.  I can tell.  lol.  But believe it or not, these materials (when stretched, ripped, popped, crushed, or crumbled) move in a way that when duplicated through the human body can reflect human emotion.  Now that doesn't mean that when your role calls for you to collapse after hearing that your brother died that you tell yourself "Beeeeeeeeeeee a sugar cube."  That's not the point.  But to understand and use all objects around you, to interpret that in your body, you can then expand your knowledge of what your body can do.  So that when you feel tension stretched between two characters, you can remember how that rubber band felt before it snapped.  You can feel that childlike wander of a bubble.  You feel the burst of release after releasing the crumpled piece of cellophane and the twitches that follow as it tries desperately to return to its original shape but never quite making it and it can resemble a sort of distorted pain in the body after severe injury.

Funny tale about that particular cellophane exercise.  The idea was that your partner (mine was PB. wonderful guy) has to fold and crumple your body tightly into a ball, then release it like the cellophane. Than it is your job to release and twitch to return almost to your unfolded position.  Ok. No problem.  Then we tried it together.  So here's another moment where you'd never be in this position in real life.  I am laying on the ground with PB, completely intertwined and wrapped around each other, we squeeze each other as tight as we can, then release each other and twitch. Totally immersed in the exercise I thought nothing of it.  It was only later that I thought...Gee, I'm really glad we both like boys.  That coulda been...awkward.

Today we worked with L and B again (after another rendition of the warm up from hell.)  This time it was a workshop on Jacques Le Coq's Le Plateau.  It's a bit difficult to explain but basically it's all 23 of us sitting in chairs along the edges of a large rectangle.  We pretend that the rectangle is a plateau or platform that is balancing on top of a ball.  One person gets up and walks around, UNbalancing the plateau.  So, another person gets up and sets themselves in the space to balance it back out.  The movement continues, every so often adding people.  We adjust our spacing as we react to the imaginary tilt we feel when the plateau/stage is unbalanced. 

During lunch, half of us met up with the marketing team for RCS.  They discussed with us how to market ourselves around the community, to agents, on social networking sights.  We divied up responsibilities and my plate is fairly full, I'm pretty happy with how much the group is putting forth.  If everyone pulls their own weight, we should be in VERY good shape.

Finally our afternoon session began and it was the first Actual rehearsal for Pool (no water).  This process is very much from the ground up.  We spent a couple hours running around and improving the entire piece.  Since it is written like a modern day greek chorus (we speak all at the same time or in intervals or make sound effects or make the scene with only our bodies) it's a huge group effort.  So far we are working incredibly well together.  If we keep on track like this, we should be able to have something really impressive by performance...which is next friday.  woof.

Well, I think that's about it for today. 
Thinking of you.

I Can Be Any Kind of Tree You Want...Just Give Me a Moment to Prepare.

And I'm back on top.  I feel better.  And THAT is how it works.  One minute you can feel like an absolute waste of space, and the next, you are back to that feeling of belonging and acceptance.  ...It's freaking exhausting.

Today was not as dreary in both weather and curriculum.  After a quick trip to the bank to yell at them for still not providing me with a bank account, I managed to get to class on time.  First on the docket, Movement with Lucien and Benedicte.  No, these are not code words.  But rather the names of two phenomenal teachers.  Both have been trained at the Le Coq school and they are like two halves to one whole.  Like tweedle dee and tweedle dum.  Like the comedy and drama masks.  Like Yin and Yang.  Like Peanut butter and Jelly. ...ok, that was a bit much.  But they are truly two beautiful spritely people that give off such a wonderful vibe and finish each other's sentences.  Lucien also looks a bit like Andy Serkis which makes me giggle.
Today's movement was on the four elements: Earth, Water, Fire, Air.  We hold a movement for each in different parts of the body.  Earth- stability, formidable, solid, and determined- can be found in your base/legs.  Water- fluidity, sensuality, freely- is in the pelvis.  Fire- hot, erratic, dangerous, lustful- is in the chest.  Air- malleable, without direction or limit, light, soft- is found in the head.  So we spent that time moving our bodies through each phase.  Earth is when we became (yup. No joke.  Theatre people actually do this.) trees.  I had always made fun of that, quoted Drop Dead Gorgeous (which we still did. you can click on the link below and see the reference), but today there was proof that there's reason why we do it.
Drop Dead Gorgeous here

 By envisioning the characteristics of a tree, you can become something powerful and stoic.  Something that could be used in a character who might be grounded and forceful.  We then became the waves and as a collective unit, ebbed and flowed in something that appeared like a whirlpool of people.  Fire, my least favorite, was more about that build and spasm of a fire's burn.  The sounds of crackling and hissing.  The heaviness and almost pant of breath.  What comes from that is feral and aggressive.  And finally air.  If you've ever watched a plastic bag being tossed around in the wind...well...insert actors here. 
Other exercises included molding ourselves and each other like clay, running from one side of the room to the other with arms spread to feel the air through our fingers, and pretending to jump off imaginary diving boards (testing the different levels of bounce from each end of the board.)  yeah...you know...just a normal day in the grind. 

Trust me, people.  I am quite aware how abnormal this all sounds.  But oddly enough, when you are here, this becomes the normal. 

After lunch the second class was Voice with Lorna again.  I centered myself (oh who am I kidding?  I sent a prayer to the big man upstairs that I wouldn't cockup from start to finish this time.)  And once again, the Lord came through.  After the normal warm up-alas there was no butt jiggling this time- we began on the text.  I still don't like reciting text on full voice for long periods of time.  It sounds and feels like shouting and I feel like I learn very little.  But I committed to the exercise and felt freer with it.  Then came the sound effects again (see last blog for more description).
Anyway, this time we used a half page worth of our "Pool (No Water)" text with six of us.  We read our chosen text and then extracted sounds and words we liked.  It was informal but structured. Just. how. I. like. it.
Everyone was heard and everyone contributed.  And what came from it was actually something quite special.  We set up our audience (the other half of our class) in the middle and asked them to close their eyes.  We then set ourselves in a circle around them so that our text and sounds would sound like surround sound to them.  There were points where we hadnt ironed out all the particulars but for the most part we created a visual world through sound.  At one point we created a hospital using the sounds of the dripping IVs, the hum of fluorescent lights, etc.  I wish I could explain it better.  But just know that it was a huge step forward for our group in collaboration.  And special props to one of our directing students PB.  His energy, openness, humor, and yet ACTUAL direction is something that makes me very excited to work with him. 
The other group made a huge impression on me as well.  With our eyes open, we watched them create amazing tableaus and images as well as enhancing the text through sound.  I was really proud.

So yes, today was a success.  And I embrace that.  I am more tired than I can say.  My back is in pretty bad shape after the 8 hours of physical work.  But I am happy and inspired.  I don't think there's anything better than that.