It's like End of Days in my kitchen and outside my bedroom window. The Apocalypse. I got home from a long day of rehearsals and the gym to find a plethra of flies, the size of two thumb nails put together, flying around the kitchen. Outside, smells of garbage are permeating from the other kitchen while the sounds of screeching seagulls and crows serenade me non-stop like a tone deaf dying chorus. It's awesome, I assure you. But then again, I'm so tired at this moment that I just sort of fling my middle finger in no particular direction, mumble "oh, for f*cksake" and slump against my wall whilst watching something meaningless on youtube. I can't be bothered.
This week, for some reason, felt like that Bill Murray movie "Groundhog's Day" where he had the day that would not end. It felt SO long. I'm not quite sure why. Especially since we technically only had four days of rehearsal this week.
I've kept up with the gym doing about 10 miles a week (two miles here, three miles there). And Tuesday through Friday we've been in rehearsals 10-530pm for "The Special." Our last play that we tour around the UK. You know, the one where I'm the mermaid. Today we had a costume consultation...welp...let's just say my Measure for Measure whore costume has got NOTHING on this one. Think silver cat suit, Saran wrap (cling film), silver body paint, and possibly color enhancing contact lenses. If you were me, you'd be going to the gym, too. I'm excited and nervous, but surprisingly not so much about the costume (then again, I haven't seen it yet). But I've grown fairly comfortable with myself physically. Which is nice. And thank God. Because...cat suit and cling film...
As for actual rehearsals, they've been very good for the first week. We've gone through the script, step by step, finding our intentions and our "why's" and "how's." I've felt a bit off balance since the Mermaid doesn't really have a back story and she is more creature than human. It's about finding how she moves, where her voice lies, how she speaks, how she communicates, and what does she want. SPOILER ALERT: The idea is that she's never felt human emotions before but is a natural empath. So she takes on the intense feelings of the humans around her and tries to process them, with very few words, and very few moments of interaction with the other characters. This is all while she is tied up and trying to avoid being on the menu at the restaurant. For the other characters, they can't hear the mermaid speak until they reach their personal epiphany or moment of heightened emotion. And whenever they come physically near the mermaid, their emotions are intensified. And all this has to be portrayed within 45 minutes, with very little exposition. So, it's been a challenge. What's nice is that there is very little room for insecurity to leak through. I find I still talk too much and ask too many questions. I'm trying to shut that down more. JUST DO, don't dissect. I think it comes from being over educated and being too involved in the tech side of things in the past. You forget that your job as an actor is simpler than you make it. And it's important to let other people do their job. It's about doing less. Something I'm not really good at.
Today I also had a one-on-one session with Ros Steen who is one of the head teachers of the voice technique by Nadine George. She also did the voice work with Alan Cumming for his Macbeth that is going on in NYC right now. I'm not going to lie, though I respect her career and her dedication, this is a technique that I have NEVER fully loved. There are good moments and exercises but overall it is not my cup of tea. But I really needed to delve into the different qualities of my voice to find where I could possibly begin to be a mermaid, whatever that means. And it was useful though stressful. One-on-ones are the best thing for me and something that rarely happens. I like to hide and I get embarrassed very easily. Put that in front of a teacher and a director and I immediately get defensive and annoyed because someone is looking at me and pushing me to do something that I don't know if I can do well or not. And I don't know whether it will work or not. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be free enough to be any good. That's what this business demands, a freedom of expression and a willingness to try and fail big, while in front of people. But you know, sometimes, the things we theatre people do...well...they are just ridiculous. However, if you shut down before you try, you lack the imagination to find the really good stuff.
I did my best in my session. Well, my best for where I was today. That's another thing. Sometimes you have to wake up and ask yourself, "How am I, today?" And if the answer is, "Shitty. Thanks for asking" well then you just have to play the cards you are dealt and wait to reset your day tomorrow. For me, the past two nights have been rough when it comes to sleep. As in, I've not had much of it. I sit there in bed for hours, worrying or feeling anxious, or beating myself up over stupid things. And pretty soon, it's two or three a.m. and I have to be up by 8:30am. So already this morning was going to be a doozy.
Ros was good though once we actually started moving. She had me finding the vibration through the lower to upper registers, then adding it to some of the text. It's a very delicate science, finding subtle qualities in the voice. Elongating vowels, resonating in certain parts of the body, and making sure not to push emotion or acting. When doing this voice work, it's not about the acting. It's about sending that vibration and sound outwards and through the timbre, you can affect yourself and others emotionally. We hold tension in our bodies but also in our voices. Sometimes we don't realize it until we, well, strike a chord. By trying the different octaves and vibrations through the text, I could find where it felt right for the Mermaid to deliver. And also, it opened up a few more colorful acting choices for her. Perhaps she has lightness, awe, wonder, danger, anger, innocence, and laughter. And then you find where each quality might sit in your voice. It's a lot to mull over and I'm going to have to sit down alone and hash some of it out. Already when we continued our rehearsal later in the afternoon, I lost some of the quality and sound that I had sweated over with Ros. Nerves, the early rehearsal process, the fact we're not off book yet, all added to my inconsistency, which is forgivable. For now. But I want to feel solid and sure of the vocal part of the character by the time tech comes around. I want it to just be there.
Overall, I've been good. The sheen of my Malta vacation has faded with my tan but I'm still in a pretty good place. What's more, I feel like I've gotten to the acceptance stage of leaving the UK. I really like it here. But there are some things I do miss about the US, and more specifically NYC. I miss the brutal honesty of it. It's hard to hear the truth sometimes, especially when it is delivered in a way that can border on vicious. But you can count on it. If someone lays out the rules, you follow them or you get fired. If someone doesn't like you, they don't pretend they do. It takes too much energy. Sure you've still got those people out there who will ask themselves whether or not they should stay on your good side so they can use you or ride on your coat tails just in case you find any small success, but there are also enough people out there who work with you because they want to and that is reason enough. I miss knowing where I stand with the City and the people in it. I've always had a problem with NYC being an unfair place, but at least it's open about its nepotism. More so than any other place I've ever been to. And even going back to WA for a bit will be nice. A reminder of something familiar and a different world than where I am. Sometimes we create a world that is too small, where the people you surround yourself with are the only people you see, and pretty soon you start believing that that is the ONLY world there is. The problems or annoyances are magnified. Egos inflated or crushed. Disagreements and disappointments are gargantuan. And loneliness is all encompassing. NYC is lonely in its own way. Don't be mistaken. I remember my complaints before. You are always alone and yet never alone. You are surrounded by noise and smells (especially in summer). Kindness is not on a free flowing tap. You have to hustle and it can be humiliating. And if you are not careful, it can suck you in and before you realize it, you've been there for years and done nothing with your life other than becoming bitter and unforgiving.
Part of me knows that I am going there because no where else feels right. Part is going there because I at least know how it works and would prefer going to one building for three auditions as opposed to driving all over a smaller city for two auditions that are for no or low paying gigs. No thank you. Not for me. Not anymore. And part of me still hopes that a miracle will happen and I'll figure out that there's somewhere else I'm meant to be. But there is one thing I DO know. This time, the City and I will be on more equal terms. I do not want to just live in survival mode, but rather strive for the career and lifestyle that I want. Which, my friends, is not a cheap one. I am worth that. I just really need to work on deserving it.
I believe in karma. I believe that even if you don't see immediate results or even if you NEVER see results, the good and the bad stick to you. You take it with you where ever you go. And I am not a natural do gooder. I'd like to be, but it's work. Lately, I have slipped into feeling catty or spiteful at times. Which really, how is that productive at all? Who does that help? No one. Because it hurts those you feel that way towards, poisons the ears that hear your venom, and you end up feeling like an asshole who can't find anything better to do than rain on others' parades. In the end, you want people to be happy for you when good things happen, you want them to believe you deserve whatever success you get, and you want to feel that for yourself as well. There is a fine balance between the venting fairy who expels whatever troubles you have so that it does not live inside you, and the shit-talking wench who talks something to death in order for people to pat your head and say "oh no, you are terribly right." One is healthy. The other destructive. However tempting and natural that bitch may be, she will turn on you the minute you shut your eyes. So, one must try to resist.
So. The weekend is here. I will get some sleep, I will get things done, and I will try to do and be better. Because that's the point isn't it? To earnestly try.
x
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