Saturday's day trip to Edinburgh was exactly what I needed. Being outside in the chilly air with lots of distractions helped both the pains in my chest and the chronic disappointment of Friday's news. Edinburgh is a gothic city that's magical under the dusting of snow. They have a german and scottish xmas market that sells handmade crafts, xmas stuff, bratwurst and fried cheese, and tons of mulled wine and spirits. We bought touristy scottish stuff, found the BEST vintage shop I've ever seen where I forced myself not to buy a 20GBP mink handmuff, and ate lunch at an american diner. Before you balk, I might also add that I ate a scottish breakfast there that included blood sausage and haggis, so you can forgive me for the american cliche. Afterwards we went to the ChocolateSoup cafe where Angie ordered me a shot of chocolate. As you can see from the photo it's basically an orgasm in a cup. Literally chocolate soup. And oh. so. good.
Sunday was spent quietly in my room resting and finding perspective. More of the former than the latter.
And today was the day of productive uselessness. Meaning I ran a billion errands only to find that most I didn't need to do in the first place. I received a phone call a long time ago about needing to get tax exempt but that my address was not in their system so I needed to make my way to their offices. I went there today to find that the council tax office is basically our version of the DMV. Wait for your number to be called, get hit on by strange man in beanie, etc. When my number was finally called the lady behind the desk told me that I didn't need to come in at all because since I live in student housing, the building itself is already exempt which is why it's not in the system. Thank you lady. Thanks oodles.
Second I found my bus stop that i'll need to go to the airport. After walking a bit in circles I discovered that it's about four blocks from my flat. Awesome.
Then I went to the bank (cue ominous music), oh yes, the bloody bank again. Got my questions answered with very little trouble but wishing they'dve answered the question weeks ago when I first asked it.
THEN I went to try to buy tickets to the Sleeping Beauty Ballet for next saturday only to find that the box office for that theatre is actually at a theatre a ways down the road. whuh? Forget it, I'll eat the booking fee and order online.
Now today all I was scheduled for was a meeting at 2pm and then a Chekhov tutorial at 745 tonight. I got to school early, played some piano and wandered downstairs with my Sweet Potato and oregano soup. Found M.Saunders in the hall where he said, oh the meeting has been moved till tomorrow. I think he felt bad that I'd come all the way in to school (and I wasn't going to tell him I had been around anyway) and so he bumped my tutorial which is scheduled for tomorrow and instead sat me down then and there to talk about my progress with the term.
I thought to myself, "Self. Here it comes. Clarification and critique. I am ready." ...well. I sort of got clarification. And got nowhere near critique. Apparently I am doing above and beyond well. Allow me to break it down for you.
He found my One Night in Iran performance "strong, direct, focused. Believable. I really listened to my partner. I show wonderful growth. And am performing exactly as the programme dictates."
Me: Great. ...uh. No complaints? Criticism? Qualms?
Mark: Nope.
Me:...ok. Well perhaps my audition was not very good, Mark?
Mark: Well, let me check my notes on it... Ah yes. I wrote, "great choice in piece. Great grasp on language. Very strong. perhaps a bit fast but was very clear and concise. great command. And there was a light in her eyes."
Me:...ok. That's it?
Mark: Aye.
Me:...Right.
Mark: And your first term paper was very good. About where it should be. very positive. next time put in a few more sources.
Me: ok...um. So, I'm on track then.
Mark: Oh yes. You always show exemplary work.
Me: ...
Mark: Ok. Well that's about it, then.
Me: Wait. I have a question.
Mark: Absolutely.
Me: Normally I would NEVER ask this but since we are in an educational setting I feel it may be alright. Since there are no complaints about how I've been showing and since you wrote in the casting for the renaissance that there are to be great challenges for each of us regardless of part...may I ask how you'd like to see me challenged in the role of midwife?
Mark: (this is me paraphrasing) Well, there technically is no midwife in the show so I don't really know what it will be. but it goes along with the director's theme that he'd like to deal with "birth and death". And you will be playing a few of the smaller roles. So your challenge will be to create more than one full character and life. To be able to switch from each and mold yourself into different people.
Me: Uh-huh. Ok. Then may I ask you a demographic question? Perhaps I am casting myself in incorrect or unrealistic ways. If it isn't my talent or attitude that prevents me from getting any leads, is it an external reason? Would I be more castable if, for instance, I were half my size? (knowing full well that regardless of what his answer would be, I wouldnt intentionally change a damn thing about myself. but I wanted to know if in his opinion I was shooting for the moon here).
He sat for a minute, head tilted, eyes to the ceiling, thinking. Finally he said,
Mark: Is this your normal size?
Me: Yes.
Mark: You need to stay exactly as you are.
...ok. He didn't really answer the question now, did he? the slippery little...
But it was a good answer. And he's absolutely right. I am enough as I am.
So. To sum up the meeting. I am awesome. I have talent. I am enough. ...but I wasn't what they were looking for for certain parts. ...ok. I feel a little better in that I now know that I didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't for the lack of trying or any shortcoming beyond my control. It was just the way the cookie crumbles. Right. Ok. Do I like it? No. But can I now accept it and move on? Absolutely.
Will I be the best midwife you've ever seen? You're damn right.
...I wonder if I can work in the line "But Miss Duchess! I don't know nuthin' bout deliverin' no baybees!!" (Gone With the Wind reference for those of you who are special). Or better yet, maybe I can set up a way to cannon the babies out of her like using those air cannons that they shoot t-shirts out of at baseball games and then catch them with a baseball glove...
See people? I'm already full of ideas. :)
Thinking of you x
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